Still fiddling around with new ways to capture oldass cartoons, and managed to retrofit one of the greatest animated intros of all time with a little higher definition

Okay, I gave He-Man and She-Ra’s Christmas Special its fair share of shit, and rightfully so! I grew up loving this homoerotic masterpiece, only to grow up and feel utterly betrayed by what basically amounted to a crass, colorful commercial for ludicrous, although admittedly, badass action figures, featuring incredibly poor and/or recycled animation.

Anybody else have that sword in glow-in-the-dark yellow?!

You took advantage of me, Filmation! But damned if He-Man’s intro doesn’t get me every single time…

Right hearing the Filmation logo pour out (Doodly-doodly-doodly-doo-DING!), to the seizure-inducing transformation sequences and that unforgettable musical theme, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe could very well have the greatest opening in cartoon history!

Not all that evil, actually

It perfectly establishes the heroic premise, introduces nearly a dozen characters – both good and bad, and let’s be honest, features a higher quality of animation than you’ll find in any of the 100 plus, mind-numbing episodes throughout the original series’ highly successful 1983-1985 run.

OOOOH, look out evil plastic!

Similar to what we did last year with the Top 25 Cartoon Christmas Trees, A Cartoon Christmas is letting you (AND ME!) skip the usual 1000+ words of grammatically defiant babble on this day of days, while still giving you the opportunity to look at some gorgeous animated imagery.

REAL SANTAS

1. “Classic Santa” from A Disney Christmas Gift

I forget who issued me the challenge, but it was this: Can you find 50 different pictures from cartoon Santas? Well, two years + one post a day, every day in December until Christmas = 50 posts… yeah, sounds easy enough.

2. “Party Santa” from The Snowman (buy it here)

But wait?! There ain’t no Santy Claws in Mickey’s Christmas Carol or A Charlie Brown Christmas! And a few days on the animated advent calendar over there on left are, debatebly, cop out entries… You know, I could do it if I can do cartoon approximations of Saint Nick (i.e. cartoons characters posing as Santa) in addition to the Real McDeal! And that’s how we’re going to break these down: Real and Fake Santas.

3. “Slow Santa” from Sonic’s Christmas Blast (buy it here)

Both are just as fun to look at anyway, right? Oh, and keep an eye out for a third SUPER SECRET category if I can’t meet the numeric criteria.

4. “Magician Santa” from Frosty the Snowman (buy it here)

Please enjoy our last post on the 2010’s Animated Advent Calendar, and feel free to click on image/link to read more on about the special showcase.

5. “Stranded Santa” from A Wish for Wings That Work (buy it here)

And if you feel like buying the DVD, please do it through the Amazon link provided. Doing so costs you nothing, but kicks a small percentage back to us, which helps keep the site up. Or at least we hope it will someday!

6. “Useless Santa” from The Great Santa Caper starring Raggedy Ann

7. “Second Banana Santa” from A Chipmunks Christmas (buy it here)

8. “Sickly Santa” from Christmas Comes to PacLand

9. “Recipient Santa” from A Johnny Bravo Christmas (buy it here)

10. “Shouldn’t Count Santa” from Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus (buy it here)

11. “Skinny Santa” from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (buy it here)

12. “Donkey-Worshiping Santa” from Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey (buy it here)

13. “Massive Santa” from Robbie the Reindeer in Hooves on Fire (buy it here)

14. “Writer Santa” from A Spongebob Squarepants Christmas (buy it here)

15. “Stupid Santa” from Super Mario Bros. Super Show: Koopa Klaus (buy it here)

16. “Smokin’ Claus” from ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (buy it here)

17. “Blink and you’ll miss ‘em Santa” from Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas (buy it here)

18. “Captive Santa” from Invader Zim: The Most Horrible Xmas Ever (buy it here)

19. “Young Ginger Santa” from Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town (buy it here)

20. “Interstellar Santa” from George and the Christmas Star (buy it here)

21. “Sleepy Santa” from A Claymation Christmas Celebration (buy it here)

22. “Stinky Santa” from Ren & Stimpy: Stimpy’s First Fart (buy it here)

FAKE SANTAS

23. “Robotnik Claus” from Sonic’s Christmas Blast (buy it here)

24. “Opus Claus” from A Wish for Wings That Work (buy it here)

25. “Kermit Claus” (no longer) from The Christmas Toy (buy it here)

26. “Funky Claus” from TaleSpin: A Molly Jolly Christmas (buy it here)

27. “Robot Holocaust Claus” from Batman: Christmas with The Joker (buy it here)

28. “Snoopy Claus” from It’s ChristmasTime Again, Charlie Brown (buy it here)

29. “Donald Claus” from Toy Tinkers (buy it here)

30. “Racist Claus” from Mickey’s Good Deed (buy it here)

31. “Claus of Doom” from Invader Zim: The Most Horrible Xmas Ever (buy it here)

32. “Samson Claus” from A Very Venture Christmas (buy it here)

33. “Squidward Claus” from A Spongebob Squarepants Christmas (buy it here)

34. “Taz Clauz” from Bugs Bunny Looney Christmas Tales (buy it here)

35. “Dale Claus” from Pluto’s Christmas Tree (buy it here)

36. “Goofy Santa” from Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas (buy it here)

37. “An Extremely Goofy Santa” Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas (buy it here)

38. “Prince Adam Claus” from He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (buy it here)

39. “BBB Claus” from A Fat Albert Christmas (buy it here)

40. “Sad, Drunk Claus” from Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (buy it here)

41. “Extinct Claus” from A Claymation Christmas Celebration (buy it here)

42. “Dried Fruit Claus” from A Claymation Christmas Celebration (buy it here)

43. ” Doc Claus” from A Muppet Family Christmas

44. “Redemption Claus” from How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (buy it here)

YET TO BE COVERED SANTAS

45. “Pink Santa” from A Pink Christmas (buy it here)

46. “Worst 2010 Movie Star Santa” from Yogi’s First Christmas (buy it here)

47. “Nothing to Apologize for Santa” from Pee-Wee Herman’s Christmas Special (buy it here)

48. “Warner Santa” from Anamaniacs’ ‘Twas the Day Before Christmas

49. “Ruckus Claus” from A Huey Freeman Christmas (buy it here)

50. “Robot Santa” from Futurama’s Xmas Story (buy it here)

Seriously, thanks to everyone for reading this stuff. Really means a lot. (Now go have a great Christmas!)

Yesterday we presented our favorites, now it’s time to make with last year’s very best bad!

5. Bugs Bunny’s Looney Christmas Tales

I always come off like a Disney fanboy, but the fact of the matter is that they’re just better with how they preserve and handle their animated characters. Bugs Bunny’s Looney Christmas Carol is the perfect example of that. Not only is it the victim of horrible 70’s animation done on the cheap, outside of the Chuck Jones Road Runner portion, the whole special is pretty much a disgrace to the Warner Bros. animated legacy. I desperately desire more Xmas-themed Looney Tunes, but they’re a bit hard to find. And come on… just look at these screenshots, and you tell me how this stacks up to something like Mickey’s Christmas Carol.

4. Christmas Comes to Pacland

I might’ve been too harsh on the Pac-Man cartoon. In all fairness, it’s no worse than just about everything else Hanna-Barbera put out in the 70s and 80s. It adheres to the same wacky, mystery-solving formula, using tired gags and lame jokes, while doing its best to animate as little as possible. That makes Christmas Comes to Pacland understandable, although no less terrible. What I can’t forgive are the giant leaps in logic the special takes in order to put a first draft script on television screens. Plus, I’ve always found the fact that Pac-Man sounds like a phlegmmy, alcoholic bluesman with a three-pack-a-day habit supremely disturbing.

3. The Super Mario Bros. Super Show: Koopa Klaus

As a lifelong gamer and fan of Mario, believe me when I say you’ll only be able to watch this special through the gapped fingers of a half-hour long face palm. The live action sequences are embarrassing enough, but the depths of idiocy found in the animated portions may send some into fits of violently primal nerd rage. Why is Mario dressed for a calypso vacation? Why is he using a whip? Why is the person who voiced Toad still allowed to walk amongst men? You’ll have to watch the special to find out, which I strongly advise against.

2. The Great Santa Caper starring Raggedy Ann and Andy

I love writing about obscure, forgotten Christmas specials featuring licensed characters of yore, but this was just depressing. To watch Chuck Jones, the mastermind behind How the Grinch Stole Christmas, derivatively breathe life into these utterly useless characters and come out with just under half a Christmas special will suck the soul from your body. As someone not born in the 1920s, maybe I just don’t care about these stupid dolls enough. But still… If Teddy Ruxpin were still clinging to a shred of relevance, and paid Ren & Stimpy’s John Kricfalusi enough to humiliate himself with a half-assed Christmas special starring plushy tape recorders, I’d be bitching up a storm too. Bleh…

1. He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special

It’s with great shame that I cop to being a diehard He-Man fan as a kid, yet it’s nothing compared to embarrassment everyone involved in this crossover Christmas special should feel. I’m not sure how Mattel got away with making daily commercials that were little more than an excuse to hurl new action figures at childrens’ eyeballs for 22 minutes… But having to watch a full hour of it, skinned in an idiotic Christmas shell brought about by two kids who get sucked into Eternia, should be sternly regulated by the FDA. I am sicker for having watched this

HE-MAN AND SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
Original Air Date: December 1985

SYNOPSIS:
He-Man and She-Ra team up when Christmas comes to Eternia.

BACKSTORY:
He-Man started life in the pages of DC Comics’ Masters of the Universe as a barbarian of a surviving tribe. The Filmation cartoon of 1983 altered his origins to that of a Prince endowed with the power to transform into a warrior.

The cartoon is synonymous with a super-successful toy line, and even though it ceased production in 1985, He-Man appeared in a two more animated series and even a feature film starring Dolph Lundgren.

BREAKDOWN:
Calling He-Man and The Masters of the Universe “stupid” is like saying the current economy is “rough.” Stupid is only scratching the surface, and doesn’t begin to describe what a cultural setback this asinine phenomenon was.

It’s Christmastime in Epcot- I mean, Eternia

And let me preface this by saying I was one of the biggest He-Man fans on the planet. One of my earliest memories is of throwing a tantrum in a Toys R’ Us over a new Man-At-Arms action figure.

A king looks out upon his immensely stupid kingdom

I watched every stupid episode of the dumbass cartoon show and never gave a though to its logistics, nor the fact that it was one of the crassest examples of advertising ever devised by some truly shameless and evil men.

You’re doing it wrong

I used to recall it with some reverence, but once you actually sit down and watch it as a discerning adult, without the rose-tinted nostalgia, you can’t help but get angry over the colorful travesty – it’s pretty clear that PR and marketing were given first, second, and final cut.

MARKETING: What if He-Man fought a character with suction cup hands?
WRITER: Um… he’s a “Master of the Universe” with super strength and powers… isn’t that a little beneath him?
MARKETING: Should be easy to write then. Oh, and how about an enemy who smells bad?! Think about it for next week (or you’re fired).

You had to have seen this before

Every single thread of the He-Man quilt is stitched together with miraculous idiocy. Nothing makes sense, every detail is anachronistic, and in spite of its wild popularity, it seems like no one is even trying.

The height of Eternia Engineering: A flying jet-ski with wheels

The Christmas episode is no exception. The animation is dependent on reusable frames, so there’s very little room for action and it’s built on a backbone of horrendous exposition. The stupidity has already beaten us senseless, so there’s no reason to question why She-Ra, He-Man’s long lost twin sister, is in Eternia with her matching cast of doppelgangers in tow.

I don’t care how gay you are, He-Man is pretty gross

You’ll forgive me if I’m not up on my He-Man canon (can’t believe that wasn’t an accessory) but I forgot that He-Man’s mother was an astronaut from Earth. She explains Christmas to the ensemble of two-dimensional characters.

No one seems to give a shit, so we cut to Men-At-Arms, a doctor in pastel armor, and Prince Adam, who are set to launch a satellite space probe that’ll provide the good ol’ gang with streaming updates on Skeletor’s evil plans.

Musclebound men perform serious science

Orko, Eternia’s leading provider of comic relief, foolishly activates the vessel and is transported to present-day Earth.

Oh, Orko! Your uselessness creates plots out of thin air!

My hat goes off to Men-At-Arms for creating such an impressive feat of technology, but if Sputnik had accidentally beamed itself to another dimension, I’m pretty sure that would’ve been considered a colossal failure of million-dollar proportions, and a likely end to the space program.

Technically doesn’t count as kid-touching

On Earth, our magical misfit encounters two children lost in a blizzard after, apparently, hiking on foot to the Himalayas to find a Christmas tree. Orko provides them with shelter, and they teach him all about the Christmas holiday.

Creepy!

Meanwhile, back in Eternia, the gang is figuring out how to bring Orko and the Sky Spy back. Men-At-Arms concludes that his machine is powered by a magic crystal that, o.k., might not even exist, and it’s up to She-Ra to do him a solid and go find it.

Eternia has its own Aquaman

Now it’s Mermista’s time to shine! All-but-useless on land, only she can retrieve the crystal from its underwater hiding place, provided She-Ra can distract a surface-dwelling, beastly monster, hastily titled “The Beast Monster.”

She-Ra battles The Beast Monster on her trusty steed, Horse Creature

The crystal is found, but for reasons unclear the act unearths a race of evil transforming robots *cough* known as the “Monstroids.”

“Transformers?  Never heard of ‘em!”

The crystal works, and Orko and the Earth children are beamed back to Eternia.

Please enjoy some upskirt action

But the presence of the kids and their innate Christmas cheer creates a disturbance in the balance of good-to-evil. Horde Prime orders Skeletor and Hordak to eliminate any presence of Christmas, as it irks him ever so.

“Tonight, on Larry King Live…”

The children are kidnapped by Hordak, only to be re-kidnapped by the Monstroids. Wait a minute… are they… I think they are?!

Monstroids?! Exit, stage left

The audience is informed that the Monstroids are in constant battle with the insipidly saccharine race known as the Manchines…

Retail heroes

…tiny neon Precious Moments endowed with household abilities.  They’re seemingly unfit for battling giant robots…

Note: You’re still watching He-Man

…but perfect for a new toyline!  YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.

THE BALLS?

Now, many a Christmas special has served as a pilot for a new franchise, but He-Man was already a shameless vessel for new toys. So while this hour-long special was already showcasing action figures for two shows, they brazenly saw fit to try and introduce an entirely new line of nonsense blatantly ripped-off of Transformers and The Care Bears.

Also stupid: She-Ra’s rope sword

Skeletor is good example of the “writing” process of the show. Originally, he was a clear-cut arch nemesis to He-Man – the embodiment of pure evil, to be feared by all. But he eventually proved to be likable, even comical.

They may as well break out in song

There was an internal mandate not to portray Skeletor as “too evil,” and that usually provided the “writers” with the perfect excuse to parade around a new action figure in every episode.

Even the animation is undignified

So when the kids are re-re-kidnapped (are you following this?) by Skeletor, his bizarre transformation is almost acceptable, given how much he was marginalized. Although, I’m probably not the most credible judge right now, what with the sheer number of lame “Christmas Spirit” plot devices I’ve had to endure of late.

Fashion magic from the ram spear!

He provides the kids with coats and is and is eventually brought back to life by a puppy’s kiss. Seriously…

Addicted to lick

So Skeletor’s heart grew two sizes that day…

And Hordack, Skeletor, He-Man, She-Ra and Horde Prime finally clash in a colossal explosion of stock animation. Robots are thrown. Some lasers happen. Who gives a shit…

A rare, punchless fight

Most notably, Skeletor saves the children – and thus the day – by lasering a skill-crane claw, even though Horde Prime describes it as “Ow, my engine!” and crashes anyway.

Sigh…

Back at the castle, the gang engages in obligatory celebration.

Eternian tradition dictates that the stupidest character gets to top the tree

He-Ma… I mean, Prince Adam, dons a Santa suit and gives the kids flight belts as presents, and with that they’re beamed back to Earth.

I was originally infuriated by the idea of He-Man having such abundant access to the power of flight, even though he always had to ride around on dick-shaped jet skis… but then I got to thinking about Queen Marlena.

“That’s nice, now float your ass to bed”

If the kids could be sent back to Earth so easily, why didn’t she return as well? How low would your self-esteem have to be for you to fall in love with an alien before securing a ride back to Earth… I’m just saying, I developed a newfound sense of pity for the woman… Merry Christmas!

There are some Christ-like observations on Christmas, but Eternia is basically another dimension, so for all we know Jesus is still alive and rewarding people for their sins.

Santa doesn’t make stops in Eternia, so Prince Adam will have to suffice.

Man, the animators really went all-out

Utterly stupid, and a thinly veiled commercial for an entire warehouse full of new and preexisting toys.  I deserve a fucking Pulitzer for devoting as much time to this shit as I have, as I’d gladly take an embedded assignment in Iraq over watching He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special ever again. While I’m never in support of our government butting in on our television shows, at least they were aware of the “Catch ‘em all” brainwashing before I was: the FCC mandated that if 80’s cartoons such as these were going broadcast synergistic drivel over the public airwaves, a certain percentage had to be devoted to something “educational.” Which is why He-Man – and more notably, G. I. Joe – concluded every episode with a moral lesson presented directly to the viewer.

A Very Mattel Christmas

In this case, Prince Adam and Orko have a brief discussion on cultural holidays and tolerance, then fade out while laughing uproariously at something that wasn’t even remotely funny. So I’m giving it one ball just for that.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the site!)

I’m of the belief that He-Man and The Masters of the Universe is one of those shows that’s better left to memory. (But what do I know? Millions of people seem to love those idiotic Transformers movies). That said, the DVDs are actually pretty good, featuring great transfers with some substantial bonus features that I vastly prefer to watching the actual show. A Christmas Special is available on a standalone disc and features lots of goodies. You can find the entire series spread out across four volumes, although I highly recommend the Best Of set, since it features the episodes you remember best, as voted by the fans, along with some legitimately insightful supplemental features from the creators.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
REN AND STIMPY: SON OF STIMPY