‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Original Air Date: Dec 8, 1974

Skepticism nearly derails the holidays, but eventually guilt and blind faith save the day for humans and mice alike…

BACKSTORY:

The Rankin/Bass production company owns approximately 17% of your Christmas memories with the one-two punch of classics Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman. And since those were so successful, they just kept on making new ones, each with speaking parts of notable stars of the time, such as Mickey Roonie Angela Lansbury, and Buddy Hackett. They were the Dreamworks Animation of their time, in that they kept making celebrity-fueled works that were small variations on the same story.

By 1974, Rankin/Bass was pretty into the swing of things, and for that year’s X-Mas cartoon jubilee, the team looked to one of the earliest works of popular American prose. The poem is titled “A Visit From St. Nicholas” no matter how much popular perception thinks it’s “‘Twas the night before Christmas,” and it basically solidified our perceptions of who Santa was. It gave a detailed description of what we all know about Santa now, his sleigh flying in on eight reindeer that were named in the same poem; it describes how one lucky guy witnessed the magical man pop into his home, friendly as could be, to give toys out of his sack to everyone.

Don’t be afraid, it’s not offensive

Heck, “A Visit from St. Nicholas” could even be called the first American Christmas special even if it wasn’t animated. Every Santa-based Christmas cartoon you’ve seen owes so much to that poem and what it started that it seems only fitting to make a special based around it. But first we’re going to need a family of talking mice and a Broadway actor.

BREAKDOWN:

It all starts simple enough. We pull in on an American, pre-Civil war home on a snowy night. We hear Joel Grey, who’s most famous as the host in the Oscar-winning Cabaret and for fathering Jennifer Grey of Dirty Dancing fame (and here you thought he was gay), recite the beginning of the poem. Here’s what kids look like dreaming of sugar plums:

Why show us their dream sugar plums? It’s not like this is a cartoon or anything

And Ma in her kerchief while the father reads a multi-page bound book used that holds a 56 verse poem.

So in their world the poem exists and yet it’s about to happen to them too? Plus, the book has the wrong title

But that simple premise is quickly thrown out the window to introduce some cute mice into the picture. Yup, this human family lives with a matching mouse family that owns small furniture and everything.

They even have tiny mice editions of the same book

It’s stupid to question the reality of something that climaxes with the eventual appearance of Santa Claus, but this is just silly. This special is only 25 minutes long and you immediately clutter it with two separate families and plotlines? So anyway, things are dire on X-Mas Eve for the mice and the humans. In a slightly creepy way, Father Mouse calls the human father “the boss,” which conjures a kind of agreed upon slave/master situation in this society.

Just because you dress like your oppressor doesn’t make you guys friends, Father Mouse

By the way, what kind of name is that, Father Mouse? Anyway, the troubles began two months earlier, when some mail got delivered to the families in the fictional town of Junctionville.

Does everyone in this world walk around with their mouse doppelganger? So many questions about this strange earth

Every person in town gets their letters to Santa returned to them, and I mean every person, kids and parents alike, sent Santa their usual letter asking for stuff and now it had been returned to them unopened. Everyone in Junctionville is sad and confused by this seemingly unwarranted passive-aggressive action by Claus, but Father Mouse is gonna get to the bottom of it by calling up the North Pole.

Nobody writes jokes for the person-to-person phone operator anymore

Seriously? Mice not only have a complex, clothes wearing society, but they have their own phone companies that in the mid-1800s can call the North Pole? The Christmas mouse on the other end explains to Father Mouse that Santa is pretty mad at the town because of a letter published in their newspaper that called into doubt his very existence. So the giving spirit of Christmas turns on an entire town of believers because of one doubting letter? This Santa is pretty Old Testament.

Confused protesters attack the government because of superstitions

Meanwhile in the human world, the lazy bureaucrats that run the town want to fix things but don’t want to put any work into doing so (what a comment on our society!). Eventually Father Human, or Mr. Trundle as he’s sometimes called, shows up and explains that he’s got a plan to make Santa love them again: making the town clock sing a song praising Santa.

“And the imprisoned singing children would go inside…”

That quick fix is okayed and tons of taxpayer dollars are thrown away on a whim to impress St. Nick. At the same time the mouse family pours over their collection of old, human-sized newspapers to find the offending letter.

And where and how do they store all those newspapers?

The letter in question, signed “all of us,” calls out Santa as a dangerous myth and the reindeer as phony. After thinking it over, the family realizes that the use of long words in the letter could only lead to one person, apparently the only individual in town that reads… the mouse family’s own son, Albert. The family confronts Albert, accusing him of hurting Santa’s widdle feelings, and Albert is proud to have done so and stands by his words still.

Nerds before the internet

I’m all for not believing in stuff, and Atheism is probably the easiest belief system there is. But if I wrote a letter saying God is a superstition and then everyone I knew got stamped letters back from God saying I was a dick, I think my doubts would waver a tad. Regardless, Albert still believes Santa is a lie, perhaps the root of some global conspiracy, and is then chewed out in song form for thinking too much and believing too little. It’s one of the least Christmas-y songs ever to be in a Christmas special, which is probably why it’s usual cut for time in most TV airing.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

But the guilt trip isn’t over. Father Mouse takes Albert all over town Ghost of Christmas Present-style to show him all the pain his lack of belief caused. Actual line: “Here’s our first example of how you ruined everyone’s Christmas with your opinions.” Jeez Rankin/Bass, did your kids just come home from their first semester of college or something?

“See Albert, just do what we tell ya and the orphans will stop crying”

Albert still persists that grown-ups don’t believe in Santa, so Father Mouse proves him wrong by showing Al the clock Mr. Trundle is making for Santa. But instead of shutting the unbeliever up, he’s instead fascinated by how the complex machine works. A little too fascinated…

Ain’t no party like a clock starting party!

There’s a big party to celebrate the clock’s completion, but once Mr. Trundle cuts the ribbon that somehow starts the clock, the whole thing falls apart to the shock and dismay of everyone. The mayor probably has the best reaction:

“ZOUNDS!”

The public embarrassment ruins Mr. Trundle. People don’t want his clocks anymore and he’s forbidden from fixing the broken town clock. Pretty soon his whole family is starving to death, as are the mice that depend on their crumbs.

Mice have society with phones, clothes, corrective lenses, and tiny books but still subsist off of garbage dropped on the floor?

The whole family is ready to give up and die on Christmas Eve, until Joel Grey bursts into the most memorable part of the whole special, the song Even a Miracle Needs a Hand. Taking a message similar to the recent Princess and the Frog, he sings about how you can wish and hope, but you’ve gotta work your ass off to get something great  done.

Here’s the song in case you’ve never heard it

It’s a really swell song and is the best part of the whole thing. Also since you just watched the clip, it’s worth noting that many of these old specials were animated by some Japanese artists who went on to become part of Studio Ghibli, makers of Totoro and many other esteemed anime classics. And while the animation is pretty sub-par most of the time, you occasionally see flashes of what they could really do:

Here’s the most Ghibli-esque scene in the cartoon

But not so much, this:

LOLGobbleLOL

Of course the real point of the song is to poor just a little bit more guilt on the too-smart-for-his-own-good Albert. Him seeing the Trundles happy in the face of adversity, he admits to his dad through tears that he wanted to see how the clock worked and in doing so broke it, as his damned inquisitiveness nearly killed his entire family. He says he’s sorry but that’s not good enough for Father Mouse, so Al decides he’s going to fix it all by himself in the matter of hours left before Christmas. His dad just lets him walk off on his own into this dark, snowy night to work with machinery that’d be too big one for one man, let alone a child mouse. I’m just saying he’s a great dad is all.

Hahaha, he almost died!

As Albert runs off, Father Mouse goes to apologize on behalf of his son. This was the part that just breaks the whole special for me. They had set up that while they knew of each other’s existence the mouse and human world’s were pretty separate. Now all of a sudden they can talk to one another with no explanation. “Oh did we forget to mention that mice talk and converse often with humans? Oh well, no time to explain now.”

“Thanks talking mouse, your words are of great comfort. Also, stop chewing holes in my walls please.”

That brings us back to before, as it is still the night before Christmas, but only for a few minutes longer. Then the last comes and goes, breaking the timed honored rule of a countdown ending at the last second. But a couple seconds later Albert gets the clock going and the song praising Santa strokes his ego enough to have his pull a u-turn in his sleigh and head back.

Not the usual R&B Santa. No mustache!

Then comes what the audience had long been waiting for as Joel Grey reads the rest of the poem in it’s entirety, including  “the moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, gave the luster of midday to the objects below.” Once that starts the ending is pretty rote, as families both mouse and human watch Santa get down to business.

A short, filthy stranger gets to work

It’s off-putting at first, but I give R/B credit for making this Santa more of an enigma. Because he has so few lines he isn’t their normal talkative Santa who explains plot points while hugging lost children and elves. He’s just a weird, diminutive creature that people can only watch in amazement. He speaks with actions, whether winking:

Santsual harrassment

Smoking:

Somebody think of the children!

And laying a finger aside of his nose, a seemingly random act that continues to confuse children to this day:

Totally different from “thumbing your nose” at something

That dealt with, Santa rides off, and doesn’t even apologize for doubting Junctionville’s heart.

Ho x3

Meanwhile Albert’s learns that maybe all the answers aren’t in books and we can assume Mr. Trundle’s business gets back on track, but honestly you’ll never know, because the cartoon ends immediately after the last line of the poem.

Wait, has anybody seen my pocket watch?

No real references to religion, save for a line about pleasing your maker in the Miracles song. Still it gets slight credit for spending so long attempting to make non-believers feel bad.

Santa is pretty central to the plot here, even if you don’t see him till the end. And I give R/B credit for not recycling an old design. Still, Santa acts like a real jerk in the beginning then just shows up smiling and giving just seconds later. Can you say manic-depressive?

This one felt like it was an hour long special cut to 25 minutes. There’s barely any time to build any spirit, and the amount of time spent making a kid feel bad for having opinions seems counter to all the warm feelings Christmas is supposed to bring. Still, it’s hard to argue with an unabridged reciting of one of the most defining works of Christmas cheer doesn’t bring some spirit to the whole thing, so I’ll just say it breaks even.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Shop Amazon through us – it helps!)

Although ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas never gets top billing, it appears as a bonus on numerous Rankin/Bass DVDs, the cheapest being bundled with Frosty’s Winter Wonderland. However, you’ll get a bigger bang for your Christmas buck purchasing it in the Classic Christmas Favorites set, as it comes also comes with How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey and a slew of others making for a total of 10 specials! These Rankin/Bass collections are tricky since they come in and out of print every holiday, but the aforementioned set is a ridiculously good value and I feel this is the last Christmas it’ll be available. Having said that, even though it doesn’t contain ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, The Original Christmas Classics DVD box set packs in a bunch of different Rankin/Bass favorites the other sets don’t such as Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town and Frosty the Snowman.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
A SPONGEBOB CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

2009′s Dec. 18th Christmas Special
REN & STIMPY: STIMPY’S FIRST FART

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Original Air Date: December 7, 1969

A group of children and a magical rabbit bring a lovable snowman to life. Keeping him that way gets to be a little problematic…

BACKSTORY:

Frosty the Snowman comes from the popular Christmas song written by Walter “Jack” Collins and Steve Nelson in 1950, just one year after the duo penned the immortal “Here Comes Peter Cotton Tale” for Easter.

The book adaptation of the Frosty song, and the album on which it appears performed by Gene Autry, who first turned down the opportunity perform Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, thinking the song was “too silly”

Following the success of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Cricket on the Hearth, Rankin/Bass decided to adapt another Holiday tune into a televised Christmas special and Mad Magazine artist, Paul Cocker Jr. was brought in to give Frosty the look and feel of a Christmas greeting card.

Frosty the Snowman premiered on CBS in 1969, and has done so every year since. Rankin/Bass produced numerous sequels to the special, including Frosty’s Winter Wonderland and Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July. Their success would prompt latter day rights holders to produce further Frosty specials including CBS’s Frosty Returns in 1992 and the direct-to-DVD The Legend of Frosty the Snowman in 2005.

Frosty Returns and The Legend of Frosty the Snowman. The sheer amount of Frosty sequels alone ensure this blog will have material until 2015

BREAKDOWN:

My memories of this special are a little vague, since I believe Frosty the Snowman’s annual airings began to taper off into earlier timeslots during my childhood, thus somehow passing me by once the other Xmas specials were airing in full swing in late December.

Now, I don’t mean to sell the special short, but it’s not hard to see why a kid could become slightly less interested in Frosty. Compared to other Rankin/Bass Christmas classics based of Holiday songs, like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town, Frosty just doesn’t hold up as well.

I’ll bet you’ve forgotten about some of this stuff

The animation isn’t crude necessarily, yet it’s certainly rudimentary, especially when watched side-by-side with something as painstakingly gorgeous as How the Grinch Stole Christmas. And I’m not sure if my DVD was an odd remaster, but the audio was almost distracting. The children’s vocals are so crystal clear they seem disembodied from what’s onscreen, coupled with several sequences that are just a mess of stock Hanna-Barbera sound effects, oftentimes accompanied with the low-fi ambient noise of a record player.

The Great Tiny Train Robbery of ’69

That said, of course I’m still nostalgic for Frosty – Jackie Vernon’s depiction of the famous snowman remains one of the most iconic versions of the character to this day. But just writing about it makes me feel old as dirt. How would you try and convey the magic of Jimmy Durante’s role as narrator and songman?

“Ha-Chaa-Cha“

I’d like to tell kids he’s the comedian Looney Tunes are impersonating every time they grow a large nose and say “Inka-Dinka-Do,” but it’s not like those toons have aired much in the last decade either.

The simple joys of winter

Doesn’t matter much anyway, because Frosty the Snowman is still a pretty grand adventure, even if it is unspooled at a pace better suited for preschoolers. Before the opening credits role, we see a snowed in school visited by a rather shitty magician named Professor Hinkle.

“Nothing up my sleeve”

He botches every trick in his bag, and once the kids quit groaning long enough to take off outside, a magic rabbit named Hocus Pocus runs outside with the illusionist’s hat.

Hats: The key to existence

Turns out the hat is actually powerful enough to bring precipitation to life! And the kids all rejoice for several minutes after their snowman becomes strangely sentient.

Just a little bit of pixie dust

Unfortunately, even though Hinkle has failed to produce anything but failed appearances at elementary schools with the godlike abilities of the hat, he demands it back, believing he can make millions doing nothing other than making snow talk.

For this, Hocus Pocus, will not stand! Even Uncle Jimmy confirms that, since the hat basically is the soul of this now-living creature, the hat now belongs to Frosty, and the hapless rabbit runs it back to the snowman.

Resurrection: A cause for celebration

Okay, assuming you accept the statutes enacted by the Finders v. Keepers case, you’ll have no problem swallowing the rest of the special. Because Frosty parties so goddamned hard, he begins to sweat profusely.

“The hat must’ve given me glands too”

Not sure about the meteorological feasibility of condensation on precipitation, but one thing’s clear: If Frosty gets too hot, he’s gonna melt. The kids don’t want to see him die, so a plan is conspired to get Frosty to the North Pole, post haste! And what better way to kick off the convoy then with a slam-bangin’ Xmas parade?!

Too merry for crosswalks

I love the following sequence, as it chucks away most of the ambiguity in other Christmas fables. Frosty is alive, and it’s no secret, nor a figment of the children’s imagination, because the entire town gets to see it too.

“This town is for figurative Whites only!”

A policeman is shown to already harbor negative snowman stereotypes, and even worse, the guy at the train station is demanding $3K to get Frosty to the North Pole. A bold statement on the corrupt practices found in Holiday travel inflation? I think so.

You must be at least this rich to ride over the the Holidays

With that kind of price gouge in place, I won’t fault the petty crime they pull next. No longer merely hat thieves, the kids stow Frosty away in a refrigerated train car. And for whatever reason, Karen opts to ride along in the icebox, and Frosty foresees zero conflict with this.

I see no problem with this

Nor do the shortsighted trio see that Professor Hinkle stow away too, still hellbent on getting his goddamn hat back and reverting Frosty back to a lifetime of stationary snow standing.

Not the smartest stowaway

Here’s where my theory on this special being geared towards preschoolers gains a little more credence, as Karen starts to succumb to the inevitable. Now kids now the dangers of weather! Don’t eat cold, kids. Sure a snow creature and a rabbit are fit for traveling to the North Pole through the snow and a refrigerator, but the idiocy the rest of us all saw coming begins to unfold.

Oh, right! It’s fucking freezing

Frosty’s left with no choice but to hop off his ideal lift to immorality and get Karen to warmer pastures. So what do we do when we get to cold, kids? That’s right: Start Fires!

Stumbling upon a woodland Xmas

Thing is, Frosty can’t get too close to flame, as he’s become all too aware of his own mortality in his less than 15 minute existence on this earth, so it’s up to Hocus Rabbit to get the forest creatures to build a fire.

Speaking “animal” is sorta like asking where the bathroom is in a foreign country

“This is awesome, why have been hibernating all these years?!”

In order to keep Karen alive, Frosty’s gotta keep his distance, and waits for Santa to fly by and give her a lift home. Unfortunately, both of their survival necessities leave them vulnerable to attack from, you guessed it: Proffy Hinkey.

Okay, he could be arrested for this

Frosty’s gotta act fast, and fast he acts, whisking Karen away on his back, becoming the fastest sled that ever lived!

His body bonds with snow like a blood cell in an artery

Karen is still weary and desperately in need of heat, so in a complicated choice, Frosty opts to set her down inside a tropical poinsettia greenhouse, then get the hell outta there before the heat reduces him to slush.

Somewhere between a sauna and Hell for Frosty

Oh, If only Hinkle weren’t right behind them…

Tried to piece together one of the panning shots. Hope ya like!

Back at the forest vestibule, Santa arrives and is thankfully fluent enough in animal tongue to get directions to Karen and Frosty.

This should’ve been subtitled

Tragically, it’s too late. I’m not sure why, but much like the ending of The Snowman, nothing gets me misty like a man melted.

Snowdeath for the Holidays

Not to worry, in this here magical dick-waving contest, Santa’s a regular John Holmes. He not only resurrects Frosty…

Brought back for the third time in a single special

He threatens Hinkle with a lifetime of presentlessness should he ever attempt to reclaim his hat.

How ’bout a festive knuckle sandwich?

Karen’s sleighed back home, and Frosty’s prolonged safety is all but assured.

“Thanks for not dropping me off at the front door“

The special concludes, yet in keeping with the wonderful tradition Rankin/Bass started with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman wraps up every loose end during the credits.

A shot from Christmas 1970

Frosty’s return is promised, and return he does in the numerous sequels that followed this Holiday staple.

“I’ll be back. A lot, actually“

Despite more than a few reasons to bend a knee and pray for survival, Christ gets no acknowledgment whatsoever.

Santa’s here big time, baby! And no offense to Frosty’s look, but his minimalist design ranks among some of my all time favorite depictions of Kris Kringle.

In spite of being a slightly antiquated affair, a whole lot happens during the brief half hour runtime. It’s likely you’ve forgotten many of the whimsical sequences that transpire here, so it’s certainly worth a watch. Yet, while I cherished this viewing from a historical perspective, I can’t say that Frosty the Snowman holds up as well as half a dozen other Rankin/Bass Christmas classics. Perhaps it’s due to animation that doesn’t set itself apart anywhere near as well as their stop-motion output. Those specials raised the bar in their respective medium, whereas Frosty barely touches it. However, it’s important to remember that Frosty pretty much provided template for a zillion other animated TV specials you hold dear today. So, if you haven’t see it, you don’t shit about Christmas specials, son!

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Shop Amazon through us – it helps!)

Frosty the Snowman is available on numerous DVDs, and generally comes bundled with Frosty Returns as a bonus feature. I’d recommend people pick it up in The Original Christmas Classics on DVD or Blu-ray since they come with the phenomenal Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town and more! Of course, you can also purchase the standalone Frosty DVD, as can Frosty’s Winter Wonderland, Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July, and The Legend of Frosty the Snowman, which all technically relate back to this Rankin/Bass original.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
A DISNEY CHRISTMAS GIFT

2009′s Dec. 2nd  Special
THE SNOWMAN

The Original Christmas Classics Set contains: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town, Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol, Frosty the Snowman, Frosty Returns, The Little Drummer Boy, Cricket on the Heart, and a CD of classic Christmas music!

Wash away those Black Friday blues with some of the greatest Christmas specials known to man! I don’t care how bad your shopping experience was, and it doesn’t matter one bit how critically you got trampled by roving packs of soccer Moms – winning one of these sets couldn’t be easier.

We’ve got three sets to give away and we’re gonna toss out ONE HERE, and TWO ON TWITTER. Want to win one right here? Just leave a comment below saying so. Yep, that’s it! We’ll pick a winner at random. To win one on Twitter? Do this:

#acartoonchristmas

Simply use that tag and tweet your favorite Christmas special from the one’s we’ve covered so far (that side bar on the left, you’ve got 24 specials to choose from) with a link to the article. So sorta like this:

We’ll pick THREE random winners Wednesday night, December 1st – the day A Cartoon Christmas’s festivities begin! – and mail your DVDs to you ASAP, so you can watch ‘em well before Christmas Day. North American residents only.

(FYI: I’m just a regular dude with a blog, not a marketer or a spammer. I’ll probably lose your address immediately after shipping and I certainly won’t give your information to anyone or anything. Trust me, and hey, follow me on Twitter.)

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Shop Amazon through us – it helps!)

SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN
Original air date: December 14, 1970

SYNOPSIS
A stop-motion Fred Astaire & Co. answer every question you never knew you had about Santa’s life story.

BACKSTORY
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town was the fifth animated Christmas special produced by Rankin/Bass, and it marked a return to their characteristic stop-motion after the hand-drawn animation of Frosty the Snowman.  It features an animated Fred Astaire as our trusty narrator, as well as the voices of Mickey Rooney (as Kris Kringle), Keenan Wynn (as the Winter Warlock), and Rankin/Bass standby Paul Frees (as seemingly all of the remaining characters).

Santa Claus is loosely based on the 1934 song by Eddie Cantor, if by “based on” you mean “bearing the same name.” But it expands beyond the basic idea of the jolly old coot who sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake, painting Kris Kringle as a fascism-fighting outlaw in an effort to explain the origins of many aspects of the legend of Santa Claus.

The trademark Rankin/Bass style is in top form, creating a charming and lively winter wonderland, and featuring several classic songs  sung by Astaire and beautifully scored by Maury Laws and Jules Bass himself.

Still, at the risk of stomping all over the toes of anyone who watched and loved this special as a child (or the President of the Mickey Rooney fan club), I’m just going to come right out and say it: the voice acting isn’t exactly Oscar material and the plot devices are more in-your-face than Courtney Love at an open bar, making the feature hard to take seriously enough to truly enjoy it.

Sorry to be such a party-pooper

The rights are owned by ABC Family and to this day it airs frequently on that channel, as well as on ABC itself.  Several notable scenes are frequently cut from those broadcasts, though – possibly in the interest of time, but more likely for reasons that will soon become clear.

BREAKDOWN
After a brief WWII-style newsreel broadcasting news of Christmas preparations the world over, we’re introduced to Special Delivery “S.D.” Kringle, the friendly postman to the North Pole who’s a dead-ringer for Fred Astaire.

Does this narrator look familiar?

How bout now?

S.D.’s truck has just broken down, so he does exactly what you know all postmen do for kicks: starts reading people’s mail.  He pulls a sampling of letters from a bunch of selfless nitwits who, instead of demanding that Santa bring them entire aisles from Toys ‘R’ Us, simply want to know how and why he came to be who he is today.

A waste of a stamp

And since ol’ Twinkle Toes is stuck in the middle of a wintry nowhere with a broken mail truck, patiently awaiting the mercy of death by either freezing or starvation, he’s only too willing to paint the entire, unsolicited, rags-to-riches story in painstaking detail.

You see, the man we now know as Santa Claus actually began life rather unglamorously as a foundling infant abandoned on the front stoop of the fun-hating (but deliciously named) mayor of Sombertown, Burgermeister Meisterburger.

Oh good – a baby.

Burg knows a money pit when he sees one, so he wastes no time in sending the child away to the nearest orphanage.

Pretty shrewd, for a fatty

Fate, though, has other plans, whisking the wee Claus’ conveyance away in the whispering winds to the, uh, Mountain of the Whispering Winds – range of the grim and territorial Winter Warlock.  Fortunately, a group of woodland creatures hide our hero from the Warlock’s spindly grasp and deposit him on the other side of the mountain in the Rainbow River Valley, home of a multi-generational family of toy-making elves known as the Kringles.

My worst nightmare

Matriarch Tanta Kringle takes the babe in and raises him as one of her own, christening him “Kris” and thus answering the first question that no one cares about: why is Santa called Kris Kringle?

Note that the special never addresses the one question on everyone’s minds: Santa is a ginger?

The Kringle family has been building toys for generations, all the way back to when they were the number one toymakers to the King of Sombertown, but in recent years the wrath of the Winter Warlock has left them and their playthings trapped in the Rainbow River Valley, where the toys simply build up, unused, in a pile outside the window (much to the chagrin of the Kringles).

Not cool, guys.

An overachieving teen aged Kris promises that one day when he’s old enough, he’ll cross the Mountain of the Whispering Winds himself and deliver the lonely toys to Sombertown.

“Well, what is a penguin doing in this special?”  We never quite figure that one out.

But just as that day arrives, Mayor Meisterburger takes an unceremonious tumble on an aptly placed wooden duck and promptly outlaws all toys.

Comic gold

Yeah…that’ll work

When Kris arrives to deliver his first round of goodies to Sombertown’s appreciative young-‘uns, he finds that he’s just made himself enemy- number-one of the state.

“We don’t want any”

Wrong answer, lady!

Thus begins probably the creepiest scene of the whole special (and there are many), as a toy-pushing Kris lecherously grabs a couple of the town’s children and launches into a song promising them that, “if you sit on my lap today, a kiss, a toy is the price you’ll pay,” followed by, “when you sit on my left knee, don’t be stingy, be prepared to pay.”  You can’t make this shit up.

“Atta boy, Johnny, right there…”

Thank you, lord!

Which leads us to a blatantly transparent back-and-forth between Kris and Burgermeister that elucidates every detail of Santa’s mythos at a level even a four-year-old could understand.  But just in case there are any three-year-olds in the audience, each revelation is also paired with explanatory narration by a real child, à la “so that’s why Santa wears a red suit!”  Duh.

“I’m a man, and a man should dress like one”

Anyway, Kris starts to make his way back across the Mountain of the Whispering Winds, only to be intercepted by a pissed-off Winter Warlock.

Who has two thumbs and doesn’t like visitors?

This toothy fiend has been disturbed for the last time, and he’s not going to let Kris escape, EVER…unless, of course, he were to be won over by some material goods.  Kris quickly forks over – I mean, presents him with – a wooden choo-choo, and the warlock’s icy exterior melts away (literally) into a warm puddle of what-can-i-do-ya-for.

“Well sure, I’ll throw my values out the window for a free tchotchke!”

Before Kris can count his blessings, though, Sombertown’s schoolteacher, Ms. Jessica, tracks him down to deliver some letters from the local tykes asking for, wouldn’t you know it, more toys!  (Ostensibly to replace all the ones that the mayor wasted no time in destroying…I’m so sure.)

“It’s just the funniest thing – one of the kids requested, um, one of those Hitachi Magic Wands…”

Pedo-Kringle tells Jessica to let the children know that if they leave their doors unlocked that night (so that’s why Santa comes at night!), he’ll sneak into their homes and personally make good on his earlier promise.  You know, to bring them some toys – why, what were you thinking?

This is almost too easy

But when Burgermeister discovers the new shipment of playthings in the morning, he orders all of the town’s doors locked.  Fortunately, creeper Kris finds a workaround by climbing in through the chimney and leaving even more toys at the foot of the mantle.  (So that’s why Santa comes down the chimney!)

Where there’s a will – or William, or Billy – there’s a way!

Still, an unrelenting Burg tries a new tactic: he commands his crew of doll-nazis to search every house for traces of any and all toys (including those that Sombertown’s denizens might be hiding, say, in their attics, or under their floorboards, or behind false walls) and arrest anyone housing them.

Pssst, Meisterburger – esents-pray, three o’clock.

Luckily, our quick-thinking star manages to disguise his wares by stuffing them in the stockings pinned above each family’s fireplace.  So that’s why Santa leaves us presents in our stockings!

“I’m having a good time…”

Finally, the slow-on-the-uptake Herr does what any Grinch worth his salt would have done in the first place – sets a trap and jails the entire lawbreaking Kringle clan.

“If loving children is wrong, then lock me up!”

The special then takes a turn for a trippy as Jessica launches into an acid-tinged ballad so strange it’s not worth describing, except to say that she realizes she’s in love with a certain Kringle and should probably get off her ass and do something.

I am a beautiful lioness…hear me roar!

So she gets a hold of one of Warlock’s last bits of sorcery (see, he lost most of his powers in a card game…or at least that’s what he’d have Mrs. Warlock believe): some magic feed corn.

Did somebody say “magic feed corn??”

When Jessica gives the corn to, oh, about eight of the neighborhood reindeer, they magically gain the gift of flight, alight to the jailhouse, and bust Kris and the rest of his commie friends out.

No, not this one – that’s another story, silly!

So that’s why Santa’s reindeer can fly!  Anything else you wanted to know?

Oh yeah, an on-the-lam Kris grows an Amish beard and changes his name to “Claus” to avoid being spotted by Herr Meisterburger, word spreads far and wide about the North Pole cash cow who can’t not give toys away, and Kris Claus decides that – hey! – if he’s going to be CEO of his own worldwide corporation, he may as well deliver gifts just one day a year and take the other 364 off. Which also explains how he goes from looking like this…

…to looking like this:

And then Jessica and Kris have a weirdo wedding where they for some reason give each other presents, wrapped and placed under decorated evergreens.

This is totally gonna catch on, I just know it.

Well, when you put it that way, it all makes perfect sense.

The punctured one is never mentioned by name, and the only reference to the fact that there might be a reason for the season beyond Santa and his giant sack comes as a seeming afterthought at the end, when our hand-holding narrator explains that Santa chose Christmas Eve to be his single night of gift-giving because it’s the holiest night of the year.  Which I guess means that Jesus may, in fact, be the only one more insulted by this special than I was.

Uh…yeah.  See above.

For as much as I’ve made fun of it, this thing really does have a lot of heartwarming holiday gumption, which is probably why it appears to be a lifelong favorite of many, many less-discerning reviewers.  Still, it couldn’t break through this hipster’s hard shell of irony and cynicism, so I can’t in good conscience give it more than three balls.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the Site!)

Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town is available on a single disc, standalone DVD but your best bet is to purchase it on The Original Christmas Classics boxed set, which also features Rankin/Bass classics like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman for just a few dollars more. Television broadcasts trim more and more from classics like this every year, so the DVD is your best method of preserving the version you remember. We’ve also included a link to Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town Christmas Ornaments, which should look classy hung upon even the dingiest Christmas Tree/Menora.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
THE BELLS OF FRAGGLE ROCK

ROBBIE THE REINDEER in HOOVES OF FIRE
Original air date: December 25, 1999

SYNOPSIS:
Rudolph’s well-intentioned but ill-applied offspring heads to the North Pole to fulfill his destiny as Santa’s chief navigator, only to find that he’s up against both a territorial Blitzen and the march of technology.  Will he step up his party-boy game in time, or have to return home a Prodigal Son?

BACKSTORY:
Robbie the Reindeer in Hooves of Fire premiered Christmas Day 1999 on the BBC.  The special was presented to benefit the charity organization Comic Relief, and it went on to win a prestigious BAFTA award in 2000, beating out such steep competition as Robot Wars and So Graham Norton.

Despite huge popularity in the U.K., it received a lukewarm reception in the U.S., where it was initially picked up by Fox Family and later sold to CBS.  Attributing its lack of appeal to the thick and varied British accents (and, let’s be honest, looking to score some star appeal), CBS re-dubbed it for American audiences in 2002, enlisting the voices of such Hollywood illuminati as Ben Stiller, Brad Garrett, Hugh Grant, and the famous voice actor Britney Spears.  Stripping the original characters of both their charm and comic timing, though, the U.S. version’s main value has proven to be as the clearest recorded example of voice-over work done through a mouthful of Cheetos.

The voice of Robbie the Reindeer: Father Ted’s Ardal O’Hanlon in the U.K., Ben Stiller in the U.S.

Robbie is the son of Rudolph, although that famous reindeer is never mentioned specifically by name. This allowed the production to play loose with the lore set in place by the 1964 Rudolph Christmas special. According to that legend, Donner should be Robbie’s grandfather, but instead she’s Robbie’s female teammate and eventual love interest.  Try not to think about it too much.

Grandpa?!?!

Although Hooves of Fire wasn’t technically made by Aardman Animations (the studio most famous for the Wallace and Gromit series), many Aardman staff – including director Richard Goleszowski – worked on the production, and their influence is readily apparent in its characteristic style.  Fans of the aforementioned limey and his inimitable pooch will find plenty to love in Robbie’s similarly detailed animation, vivid expressions, and twisted British sense of humor.

Two more Robbie specials were later created: Legend of The Lost Tribe in 2002 and Close Encounters of the Herd Kind in 2007.  And having never seen either of them, that’s all I have to say about that.

BREAKDOWN:
Our story begins with Robbie’s arrival in Coldchester, North Pole – home of none other than jolly old St. Nick.  Robbie is the son of a famous reindeer whose name we never quite learn (for copyright reasons, rumor has it – because asset protection is to Christmas as gluttony is to Thanksgiving), but if I had to guess, I’d wager that he probably had a very shiny nose.

I have no idea what this sign says, but I bet it’s full of dry British humour

Robbie’s immediately greeted by his new housemates and fellow sleigh-pullers: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome frat-boy Prancer; sulking sexpot Vixen; bubbly welcome wagon Donner; and malevolent alpha male Blitzen.  Blitzen can’t wait to welcome the famous Robbie to the gang, but something about his Jeremy Irons-esque drawl (as voiced by Steve Coogan) seems to presage evil.

Check out special-needs Beaker on the right there...

Apparently the product of some sort of genetic lottery gone awry, Robbie’s got a schnozz that’s part GPS and part seeing-eye dog, with a dash of ESP thrown in for good measure. And, like most celebrity offspring, he’s also overweight, lazy, entitled, and all too quick to embarrass himself on film.

What not to wear

Still, his heart’s in the right place – poor Robbie just wants to take his rightful place as the head of Santa’s sleigh team (and if he gets to bone Vixen in the meantime, well, so be it).  And with that Google-maps beak of his, he knows he’s got this one in the bag…

This hunk of red clay is smarter than Miss South Carolina.

Or does he?  In the absence of he-who-shall-not-be-named, Blitzen has been playing leader of the pack, and he’s not about to give up his throne without a fight.  Especially not to the son of some stinking red-nose who stole his thunder all those years ago.

Despite appearances, there is not actually a break-dancing sequence in this special.  Sorry, kids.

Robbie’s none too keen on the 364-day training regimen portion of the program as it is, so a scheming Blitzen pounces on his opportunity to encourage him to eat and sleep his way off the team.

Uh, Robbie? You’re doing it wrong.

But wait – who said anything about anyone leaving the team?…

Oh yeah – this guy.

The reindeer soon learn that a mid-life-crisis Santa’s gone and gotten himself a souped-up new ride, complete with a navigation system so advanced even Mrs. Claus could drive this thing.  And that means he’ll be needing one less steed to pull him to adulation, so it’s auf wiedersehen to the reindeer who is most unfit (criteria courtesy of local helping-hand Blitzen).

If you thought Santa’s calves were scary, wait ’til you meet this wigger

It’s a rude awakening for Robbie, who realizes he’s traded his legacy for a quarter-pounder.  So he does what any troubled celebu-spawn would: runs away from home and slums it with a blue-collar job in the local toy factory.

Octomonkey!

As the product of a life of luxury, though, Robbie is woefully unprepared for even the most banal factory work, and he undergoes a series of demotions that culminate in the humiliation of being used as a human (ah, reindeer) forklift.

And you thought antlers were just for giving your decor that special “Palin” vibe

Fortunately, Donner spots our familiar forklift one day during a factory visit, and she’s got good news for Robbie – she has a plan!  The way for Robbie to reclaim his place on the sleigh team is to win a medal in the upcoming Reindeer Games (sponsored by Hay^TM), thus redeeming himself in Santa’s eyes.

PSYCH!  It’s a dream sequence, suckahs…

But for that to happen they’re going to need a miracle, or at least a “wise old coach who can save the day.”  Enter Old Jingle, the local crazy-as-balls, older-than-dirt Mr. Miyagideer.

Homina, Homina, Homina

Jingle whips Robbie into shape with the workout montage to end all workout montages and, during a rare bout of lucidity, soothes his nerves with some sage old-man wisdom.

Aaaand Vangelis will be needing a clean pair of boxers

By the time the big day arrives, not only is Robbie a lean, mean steeple-chasing machine, but he’s also found new motivation in his spontaneously realized love for Donner (who’d been pining for him all along, but in that cryptic, passive-aggressive way that women do.  So, you know, he could be forgiven for giving her the brush-off.)

“I love everything about the person I’m going to change you into”

Still, it’s not going to be a trot in the park.  Turns out Blitzen’s ambitions are more A-Rod than Iditarod – he’s been juicing (apparently you can drink steroids now, which would have been nice to know before I had a forearm like a pimiento loaf…) to gain a hoof up on the competition.

Pop quiz: which one of these hairy beasts has bedded Madonna?

Fortunately, Blitzen’s ‘roid rage is no match for Rocky’s – er, Robbie’s – training (and general love-fueled mania).  Even after sprinting out of the park pre-race to rescue a prostrate Old Jingle from his poorly placed (read: on top of him) house, Robbie manages to return and chase Blitzen down to a photo finish.

And the winner is…Blitzen, by a nose!  BURN.

No matter – the Reindeer Games commission is onto Blitzen anyway, and Robbie could care less, what with the all-night romp-in-the-hay you know he’s in for (don’t think I don’t know that look, Donner…).

Yesssssss

So Santa apologizes in the best way men know how – by lending Robbie his wheels and never mentioning this again – and Robbie and Donner ride off into the moonset to the sounds of a Mark Knopfler song cheesy enough to plug you up from now ’til New Year’s.

You kids be careful, now, or it’s gonna be more than just your hooves on fire.

Awww, shucks.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the Site!)

Hooves on Fire is available on DVD, packaged with Robbie’s 2002 follow-up, The Legend of The Lost Tribe. The disc contains both British and American voice tracks, but, in the biggest slap in the face since the Boston Tea Party, bills the original version as a bonus “alternate U.K. audio track.”

Hooves director Richard Goleszowski went on to work with Aardman studios on the Creature Comforts series, including this double-sized Christmas episode available on a stand alone DVD as well as the Wallace and Gromit spin-off Shaun the Sheep.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
Original Air Date: December 6, 1964

SYNOPSIS:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it… you’d know how fucking awesome it is!

BACKSTORY:

The original book and an 1960′s advert featuring the characters from GE, the shows original sponsor

The story of Rudolph began life as a promotional book by Robert L. May commissioned by Montgomery Ward to give away during the Christmas of 1939. In 1949, Johnny Marks adapted May’s poem into the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer into the song we all know today.

The last cartoon by Popeye helmer, Max Fleischer was actually Rudolph’s first animated appearance in 1948

Following the success of TV’s first animated Christmas special, Mister Magoo’s Christmas Carol, networks were on the prowl for Christmas specials. You could say NBC really scored when they struck a deal with producers Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has run annually every year since 1964, making it TV’s longest running Christmas special!

Rankin/Bass produced many other successful stop motion, holiday-themed specials over the next three decades until that division folded in favor of traditionally animated entertainment, such as Thundercats and The Hobbit.

BREAKDOWN:
To any of you who were butt hurt over yesterday’s choice of special, this should more than make up for it. Without a doubt, one of the most iconic examples of, not only the Christmas special, but the medium of stop motion animation at large.

Still beautiful

I know what you’re thinking… Does it hold up? I hadn’t seen in a few years and didn’t expect it to either, but as of this writing I’m overcome with giddiness to report that it most certainly does!

I’d forgotten about the live action intro

The animation is far less rudimentary than all those parodies we’ve seen over the years eould have you remember. Each and every character is wonderfully articulated, the camera pans and adjust their focus for movement, and characters make detailed impressions in the snow with every movement. In other words: It’s still a beautiful sight to behold.

Burt Ives serves as our frosty narrator

One of the reasons I still love it so much is that the main cast is made up entirely of losers. Rudolph and Hermey are classic sad sacks, each of them representing the dregs of their judgmental and shortsighted castes.

Not too high

The beginning of the special is largely devoted to heaping shit on both Rudolph and Hermey. And would you look at that, even Ol Saint Nick gets in on the act?

“Damn , dawg! Turn that shit down!“

Rudolph is forced by his father – who I didn’t remember being Donner, one of Santa’s starting line-up – to wear a false rubber nose that restricts his breathing.

Societal Acceptance > Oxygen

Similarly, Hermey – and yes it’s Hermey, not Herbie! – has to hide his love of dentistry in front of the other elves for fear of being berated by hairless midgets.

No one likes getting chewed out by an elf

Rudolph’s façade eventfully comes a tumblin’ down in full view of all, and he is disbarred from any further participation within Reindeer Games. (There’s gotta be a better way to word that!)

Love the eye effects during this sequence

Clarice, the cloven hottie, follows in pursuit and nearly brings ‘Dolph out of his funk. But unfortunately her dickhead dad puts the kibosh on that.

D’Awwwww

Rudolph is at peak sulk right about now… but fortunately, he’s about to meet up with a kindred spirit.

Apparently, the song sung at this point was removed from Rudolph’s second airing in 1965, and that’s a shame. Now, it’s not that the song here is musically above and beyond, or even that it’s all that necessary. I’d only call it bad in comparison to the other ditty here, also written by Johnny Marks.

Sam the Snowman cranks out the superior tunes

But I love it when two unrelated, societal castoffs find a way to get together, and the song is essentially a safe-for-network television way for Rudoplh and Hermey to say, “Fuck ‘em all! We don’t need em!”

1960′s water effects courtesy of Cocaine

Either way the song, entitled “We’re a Couple of Misfits,” was restored into the special in 1998, and is present on the latest DVD edition I just purchased.

Peace!

Any hoo, the boys set off to begin their brand new life together. Anywhere but here, am I right boys?

Oh…

But they’re not on their own for very long, as the boys quickly meet up with outcast peppermint prospector Yukon Cornelius…

Action figures of Yukon Cornelius replaced his revolver with a nonviolent knife

Who’s quick thinking saves them from a fatal run in with the Abominable Snowman.

Not spark another Pixar conspiracy, but fans of Monsters Inc. will see the inspiration

Yukon chips severs an ice flow and the boys float off into God knows where

I’m on a float!

Okay, the next sequence is a favorite for me, and I can’t imagine I’m alone.

C’mon, who wouldn’t want one of these?!

The boys – hell, men – land on the Island of Misfit toys, a place where broken or slightly irregular toys go to commiserate.

Personally, I’ve got a soft spot for the spotted elephant

It shouldn’t surprise you that I have an affinity for toys come to life, therefore I not only love this scene because the unlovable toy models are so awesome, but over the last 40 years many a toy line has been based off of these misfit toys and proved quite popular.

The Original Lion King

Evidently, a noble flying lion has been scooping the refuse toys up from all over the globe, and he offers the flesh-based misfits sanctuary so long as they tell Santa about the existence of the Island so that he may eventually find a home for his flock of unloved playthings on some future Christmas.

The palatial royal quarters

Rudolph steals away in the night, so as night to endanger his pals any further, and ages into a full grown reindeer in the months of solitude.

All growed up

He returns to the North Pole to find out that his friends and family have been out looking for him the whole time, and it’s his term to go find them.

Gasp!

Luckily, Hermey and Cornelius show up and help Rudolph defeat the Abominable snow monster.

Oral Offense

Ouch, Hermey yanks the monster’s teeth out!

Kind of above and beyond cruelty, actually

And Corny shoves the, now powerless, oaf off a cliff.

Does Cornelius survive? Tune in next year…

We now find the North Pole beaten down by a record blizzard and Santa is threatening to cancel Christmas.

If weather conditions are that much of a factor, maybe setting up shop in the North Pole was a bad business decision

And Santa finally realizes what we’ve known all along: Rudolph’s luminescent schnoz can light the way.

Just like the song!

Christmas is saved, and everyone finds a new lot in life. Hermey gets permission to open up a dental practice, and Yukon Cornelius finds a peppermint pipeline. Even the Bombby finds a new place to fit in:

Probably my favorite image in the whole special

And thanks to a letter writing campaign the year following its debut, the next year Rankin/Bass animated a sequence where Santa returns to the Island of Misfit Toys and deploy them over the end credis.

I can’t believe this scene wasn’t in the original airing

Not much. Even back in the 60’s, networks weren’t all that crazy about presenting the Good Word on primetime television

Santa’s here a lot. And I love that even though he’s not a central character, he begins the story as kind of a prick, and eventually learns a thing or two about acceptance, too.

Classic

Easily half a century’s worth. I went back into Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer fully expecting an experience only enjoyable through nostalgia goggles. Believe the hype, this one is truly timeless.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the Site!)

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer appears on an ultra affordable standalone DVD, but with no notable bonus features to speak of, I’d have to recommend The Original Christmas Classics Boxed set. The price is a steal, plus it contains six more classic Christmas specials, including other Rankin/Bass stop motion classics like The Little Drummer Boy and Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town. And I can’t recommend the Holiday Figurine set enough. Featuring almost all of Rudolph‘s primary cast, I propose that this become every atheist’s annual nativity scene.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: SANTA CLAUS
Original Air Date: December 24, 1993

SYNOPSIS:
Just in time for the holidays, Mike and the Bots are forced to endure the most twisted version of Santa Claus the world has ever seen!

BACKSTORY:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 was the brainchild of magician/comedian Joel Hodgson in 1988. What began as two puppets and a man yelling improvised lines over full-length movies on a small Minnesota UHF station transformed into two puppets and a guy writing incredibly insightful and hilarious lines to yell over full-length movies on Comedy Central starting in 1989, and then on the Sci-Fi Channel from 1997 to its cancellation in 1999 (10 years ago?!)

MST3K ran for over a decade on multiple channels and in syndication, and even produced one theatrically released movie

The show maintains a large cult following, and DVDs of the hour-and-a-half episodes (cutting out the commercials) continue to trickle out on a semi-regular basis. The hold-up is due partly to the need to purchase the rights to an entire movie for each episode in addition to the cost of licensing the show. Fortunately for fans, in 2009 Shout Factory finally released the highly sought-after episode featuring the 1959 Mexican film Santa Claus.

While Santa Claus received a very limited theatrical release within the states, it’s grown into a cult classic all its own due to an extended life on television throughout the last 50 years, as well as an absurdly loose understanding of the legend of Santa Claus.

The now immortal “Patrick Swayze Christmas” from a previous MST3K Xmas

BREAKDOWN:
Yesterday’s special, It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown put me into a whole “Midwestern Christmas” vibe, and I figured I’d ride that crest into one of my favorite shows ever: MST3K. Hell, it’s kind of a twofer if you think about it. Bear with me, though… it gets a little nuts.

These jerks shot a guy into space to make him watch really bad movies

Okay, before the dozen or so of you reading this blog start yelling at me… I’m aware that this isn’t animated. But technically, neither are The Muppets, and you can be damn sure I’m going to write about them again. Besides, it’s good for my sanity during this ridiculous marathon of daily bloggage, and I had to figure out some way to watch the DVDs I preordered months ago.

Apparently, Gypsy had started knitting the sweater for Joel

Anyway, after belting out a Christmas carol that goes horribly, violently wrong, Mike and the bots exchange horrible gifts with one another.

There is no present worse than a savings bond

Things don’t fare much better for the Mads. TV’s Frank got his boss, Dr. Forrester, a necklace, and then even shaved his head. Unprepared, Dr. Forrester gives Frank an old savings bond made out to himself. They introduce the south-of-the-border Christmas film… and this is where things really get weird.

And I’m not talking about this

In the 1950’s, Mexico didn’t associate Christmas with Santa so much…

A gateway to horror

Whether this film was meant as a means of spreading the holiday (or Christianity) down Mexico way, or was simply a case of one country presenting another country’s culture as quaint folklore, I can’t be sure. But the result is one of the most warped and disturbing versions of Christmas, Santa Claus and the Holidays ever carried out by well-intentioned people.

This’ll all make sense in a second

In this version, Santa Claus lives in Outer Space

Post-Nothing Fantasia

Where he oversees the production of toys occurring in a place called “Toyland”

A Very Merry Sweatshop

And said toys are not made – day in and day out – by elves… but by children hailing from various nationalities.  Santa’s got child laborers from America:

Fine, we’re an easy target

Germany:

Okay… that’s a little racist

The “Orient”:

Full-fledged racism, nailed it

And even Africa:

WOW

And just when the film is done presenting stereotypes with the utmost of insensitivity, it introduces Satan.

Aww, Mexico! Don’t belittle our Devil too

Apparently, the Devil has assigned his best man, Pitch, the task of turning kids evil just in time for the merriest of holidays!

Psst… celebrate Kwanzaa

Meanwhile, we catch Santa as he literally watches over little boys and girls the world over. Hardly a mere voyeur, the big guy has an apparatus that lets him see into minds, dreams, and bedrooms…

Oh, it gets creepier

Wait for it…

Seriously, Santa? You could at least try and look less excited.

And the audience gets to revel in Santa’s hedonistic delight. Watch as a young “rich boy” dreams of exhuming his deadbeat parents from a pair of festive coffins, won’t you?

Hooray!

So while the Devil’s favorite minion is off invading the dreams of of preschoolers, let’s take a break for my favorite host segment of the whole piece. Because this time around, Mike and the bots exit the theater to rock the Satellite of Love to its foundation, courtesy of their new-age synth-ensemble, Santa Kläws!

“Are you ready to be merry!?”

Do they, in fact, rock?

Oh, yes indeed

Now, nothing against the host segments here  – they’re fine and the riffing is just above average.  But the film itself is by far the star of this particular episode. I can’t recommend watching Santa Claus and it’s utterly bizarre interpretation of Christmas enough.

Just another day with the Devil

It’s one of those movies you might’ve heard about and always meant to watch, but lord knows I’d never get around to doing if not for the added draw of running commentary from a couple of robots.

“Kill Me!”

Did you know Santa’s reindeer are white, crank-activated, creepy as all hell, and turn to dust if they don’t return to outer space by sun-up Christmas Day?

It’s a fact! (in Mexico.)

And how familiar are you with Santa’s technique for navigating the world’s households unseen?

A rope ladder, it’s so simple

Or did you know that he has a flower that makes him invisible? What about the magic powder he blows in the faces of woken children to knock them back to sleep?

Even inattentive parents will know Santa’s poison

SO, the devil continues to possess the minds of Spanish-speaking North Americans and still finds the time to sabotage Santa’s sleigh and its arsenal of dirty Christmas tricks…

If you don’t have a kid to force through this film, rent one

However, the demon’s final masterstroke proves to be his greatest: getting a dog to chase Santa up a tree.

Christmas better have a Plan B

With nothing left in his bag of tricks, the devil provokes the home’s residents into arming themselves – with guns! – and slaying Santa as if he were a dangerous intruder.

“But honey, I need these bullets for bullfighting”

Santa reaches out to his only remaining life line and calls out to the North Po…I mean, Galactic Headquarters! And what valiant hero heeds the call? Is it Jack Frost? Mrs. Claus? How about one of his many indentured children? None of the above…

Why it’s Merlin, of course

The Arthurian legend acts fast (for a man centuries old) and tells Santa to reach into his sack and pull out a stuffed cat to distract the dog long enough to make his escape. Christmas is saved, evil is punished, and all viewers under the age of 10 are scarred for life.

This picture is 1080p, so any dust or hair you perceive is the fault of your monitor

But it’s not like MST to end on a down note, heavens no. Borrowing the liberties taken with the film, a light snow falls on the Satellite of Love.

A rare moment of gravity and weather

And that’s not all! Pitch the Demon stops by for a visit to Deep 13 and is confronted by none other than Santa Claus, to deliver the fightin’ finale the film never did.

Will the Devil get his due?! Who cares, it’s a comedy!

Santa does mention The Lord Jesus Christ a single time, although I can’t be entirely certain it wasn’t a mistranslation of “Merlin.” But there can’t be a Devil without a Jesus, right? So, I’m awarding one cross for that, another for the nativity scene Santa fixes at the beginning, and the last for the following ending screen:

It’s that simple

SANTA’S METER OVERFLOWETH! I dare say there’s too much Santa in this movie… I know I certainly could’ve done with less.

Hanukkah Harry would be ashamed

Again, there’s just this “Gee, Gosh, shucks, it’s Christmastime dontcha know?” quality to both MST3K and the Peanuts special that makes me warm all over. It playfully mixes in the sweet with the cynical, and I can’t really imagine that ever becoming any less timeless.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the site!)

Santa Claus is available on DVD in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Volume 16 box set, which also includes a personal favorite of mine, Warrior of the Lost World, and a kickass Tom Servo bust! If you’re bold enough to go Santa Claus alone, you can also purchase a bare-bones, bot-less version at your own personal risk. The immortal MST3K “Patrick Swayze Christmas” song appears in the episode Santa Claus Conquer the Martians, which is available in the Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Essentials collection, on a double bill with Manos: The Hands of Fate. You can’t go wrong with that disc, trust me.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
IT’S CHRISTMASTIME AGAIN, CHARLIE BROWN