Still fiddling around with new ways to capture oldass cartoons, and managed to retrofit one of the greatest animated intros of all time with a little higher definition

Okay, I gave He-Man and She-Ra’s Christmas Special its fair share of shit, and rightfully so! I grew up loving this homoerotic masterpiece, only to grow up and feel utterly betrayed by what basically amounted to a crass, colorful commercial for ludicrous, although admittedly, badass action figures, featuring incredibly poor and/or recycled animation.

Anybody else have that sword in glow-in-the-dark yellow?!

You took advantage of me, Filmation! But damned if He-Man’s intro doesn’t get me every single time…

Right hearing the Filmation logo pour out (Doodly-doodly-doodly-doo-DING!), to the seizure-inducing transformation sequences and that unforgettable musical theme, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe could very well have the greatest opening in cartoon history!

Not all that evil, actually

It perfectly establishes the heroic premise, introduces nearly a dozen characters – both good and bad, and let’s be honest, features a higher quality of animation than you’ll find in any of the 100 plus, mind-numbing episodes throughout the original series’ highly successful 1983-1985 run.

OOOOH, look out evil plastic!

A FAT ALBERT CHRISTMAS
Original Air Date: December 18, 1977

SYNOPSIS:
Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids must deliver a tyrant, as well as a baby, to redemption!

BACKSTORY:
Fat Albert’s first appearance dates all the way back to 1967, when Bill Cosby performed the character, as well as many others caricatures from his North Philadelphia upbringing, on his stand-up comedy album, Revenge. An animated prime-time special partially based on the routine, entitled Hey, Hey, Hey, It’s Fat Albert, was produced for NBC in 1969.

From the beginning, the show featured live-action introductions from Cosby himself, and he also voiced three characters from the gang during the animated segments: Bill, Mushmouth, and of course, Fat Albert.

The show was a hit, but NBC was wary of translating such a moralistic show into a full-blown series. The first episode of Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids finally aired on CBS in 1972 and remained in production for the next twelve years (even though only five seasons were produced during that time).

BREAKDOWN:
Awww, it seems that Fat Albert is no longer shown on television these days. How do I know? Because every time I do an impersonation of one of the characters in front of anybody so much as five years younger than me, I get treated like I made a watermelon joke in minstrel makeup.

Irrefutable proof Bill Cosby was involved

Strange, since the show was produced by Filmation (creators of He-Man) and aired consistently and all over the place during my youth, from USA’s Cartoon Express to marathons on public access.

“Bill” the character that most represented Cosby

And that sucks, because I, like the rest of the population, do a pitch-perfect Mushmouth impression, and pulling that out in public nowadays is received with all the warmth of Michael Richards on Def Comedy Jam.

“Oh-ba K-be Fa-ba Alber-ba-bababa”

Supposedly, the implication is that caricatures of inner-city black kids playing in a junkyard is no longer PC…which I personally can’t fathom, because as a little kid in the suburbs, I know I would’ve traded my left nut for a clubhouse amidst piles and piles of glorious trash.

Never once referred to as “The Crib”

There was just something so warm and inviting about a gang of characters who did everything together. And I know that the low-fi musical sequences were little more than an excuse to recycle animation on the cheap. But my little brain sure as shit didn’t seem to mind.

Unfortunately, Bill Cosby himself doesn’t appear in A Fat Albert Christmas Special, but his voice is present, and it went on to win an Emmy for Outstanding Children’s Special in 1978, anyway.

This entry will be 100% fat joke-FREE

The special opens with the ultra-wholesome Junkyard Gang setting up a nativity scene for the enjoyment of their parents.

Surprise, suckahs!

But just when everything is nearing finalization, in comes Tyrone, the cantankerous entrepreneur who wants to bulldoze the club house.

Bravery would not make it to the ghetto until 1987

The boys tremble and cower for a bit, especially when there’s another knock at the clubhouse door.

God looks down on his rotund creation

D’Awww, it’s lil’ Marshall! His parents are a little down on their luck, and by that I mean broke, homeless, jobless, insurance-less, and his mother is about to give birth.

Fat Albert offers the family sanctuary as he goes off to try and convince Tyrone not to tear down Fat HQ, especially now that it’s acting as a de-facto Free Clinic.

Let’s hope Marshall’s Mom gets happier

Tyrone is, predictably, the same asshole he’s always been. However, we’re informed that, actually, he wasn’t always that way. Before his wife died he was apparently tolerable and well-liked around the neighborhood.

Fat Albert agrees to work as a storefront Santa to try and appease Tyrone, but it isn’t doing the trick.

The guys show up and call him a sell-out – clearly not diplomatic men of compromise.

Guys! Focus…

Remember the pregnant lady back at your shack?!

And Tyrone kicks Fat Albert to the curb after his friends start jacking the Holiday freebies.

The following scene I do love very much, though. A sage-like hobo named Mudfoot (also voiced by Cosby) emerges to tell Tyrone what kind of a shithead he’s being, and exactly how much his dead wife, Martha, would’ve hated the man he’s become.

Just when you think it’s going to veer into hackneyed Christmas Carol territory, it backs off right in time. Tyrone realizes a change may be in order…but that’s of little importance now, because over at the Fat manger there’s a baby about to be born!

Rudy and Bill rush off to grab some ghetto doctor

And the now the rest of the gang have to go find Marshall, since he ran away after overhearing his father vent his fears and frustrations over just how in the hell he’s going to feed two kids with no money and no job.

*sniff*

After an admittedly dated chase sequence, they’ve failed to retrieve Marshall. Luckily, he’s been made somewhat obsolete, as the doctor has arrived at the clubhouse on time. The birth was not only a success, it couldn’t have been less bloody.

That floor’s gotta be a mess of hay and clumped afterbirth

Tyrone comes a’knockin’ once again…

But instead of bringing an eviction notice, the guy has decided to “give back”  – he went and wrangled Marshall!

Possibly more frightening when he’s happy

The notorious curmudgeon atones for his past  misdeeds by offering Marshall’s father a job at his store, and I have to point out that the last line is all his and is ridiculously touching. FIN!

Na, Na, Na, Gonna have a good time!

Let’s not forget that the gang is basically putting on a passion play at the beginning, plus the clubhouse makes a nice little metaphor for Jesus’ manger. But don’t worry, interweb atheists, you’re not beaten over the head with any religious themes.

It’s common knowledge that Santa doesn’t visit poor kids. Luckily, Fat Albert is 10x the Santa Santa is… even though he probably won’t live past the age of thirty.

In spite of being of over three decades old, A Fat Albert Christmas is one of the more modern Christmas specials I’ve ever seen – Marshall’s family especially. They’re less a stand-in for the Cratchits than a contemporary family struck down by a harsh society and failed economy. None of the regular characters behave abnormally as they go above and beyond to extend a helping hand… Come to think of it, Fat Albert and the Junkyard Gang tend to behave like every day is Christmas, anyway! Stove pipe hats-off to Tyrone as well, since he quickly transforms from a two dimensional, Ebenezer-esque character into someone the audience can empathize with. I don’t care what anybody says, the music is still fantastic, and this is one old special that’s stood the test of time.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the Site!)

Unfortunately, several Fat Albert disc have been discontinued. The stand-alone A Fat Albert Christmas can still be obtained out in the wilds of retail, both new and used, AND the special can also be found in the New Christmas Classics 2-disc set, which also contains holiday specials from Gumby, Casper and George of the Jungle. I don’t know what’s going on with the Fat Albert series on DVD, but they seem to be getting scarce. If you’re like me, you’ll want to snatch them up quickly to ensure that they don’t disappear forever.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
HE-MAN AND SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

HE-MAN AND SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
Original Air Date: December 1985

SYNOPSIS:
He-Man and She-Ra team up when Christmas comes to Eternia.

BACKSTORY:
He-Man started life in the pages of DC Comics’ Masters of the Universe as a barbarian of a surviving tribe. The Filmation cartoon of 1983 altered his origins to that of a Prince endowed with the power to transform into a warrior.

The cartoon is synonymous with a super-successful toy line, and even though it ceased production in 1985, He-Man appeared in a two more animated series and even a feature film starring Dolph Lundgren.

BREAKDOWN:
Calling He-Man and The Masters of the Universe “stupid” is like saying the current economy is “rough.” Stupid is only scratching the surface, and doesn’t begin to describe what a cultural setback this asinine phenomenon was.

It’s Christmastime in Epcot- I mean, Eternia

And let me preface this by saying I was one of the biggest He-Man fans on the planet. One of my earliest memories is of throwing a tantrum in a Toys R’ Us over a new Man-At-Arms action figure.

A king looks out upon his immensely stupid kingdom

I watched every stupid episode of the dumbass cartoon show and never gave a though to its logistics, nor the fact that it was one of the crassest examples of advertising ever devised by some truly shameless and evil men.

You’re doing it wrong

I used to recall it with some reverence, but once you actually sit down and watch it as a discerning adult, without the rose-tinted nostalgia, you can’t help but get angry over the colorful travesty – it’s pretty clear that PR and marketing were given first, second, and final cut.

MARKETING: What if He-Man fought a character with suction cup hands?
WRITER: Um… he’s a “Master of the Universe” with super strength and powers… isn’t that a little beneath him?
MARKETING: Should be easy to write then. Oh, and how about an enemy who smells bad?! Think about it for next week (or you’re fired).

You had to have seen this before

Every single thread of the He-Man quilt is stitched together with miraculous idiocy. Nothing makes sense, every detail is anachronistic, and in spite of its wild popularity, it seems like no one is even trying.

The height of Eternia Engineering: A flying jet-ski with wheels

The Christmas episode is no exception. The animation is dependent on reusable frames, so there’s very little room for action and it’s built on a backbone of horrendous exposition. The stupidity has already beaten us senseless, so there’s no reason to question why She-Ra, He-Man’s long lost twin sister, is in Eternia with her matching cast of doppelgangers in tow.

I don’t care how gay you are, He-Man is pretty gross

You’ll forgive me if I’m not up on my He-Man canon (can’t believe that wasn’t an accessory) but I forgot that He-Man’s mother was an astronaut from Earth. She explains Christmas to the ensemble of two-dimensional characters.

No one seems to give a shit, so we cut to Men-At-Arms, a doctor in pastel armor, and Prince Adam, who are set to launch a satellite space probe that’ll provide the good ol’ gang with streaming updates on Skeletor’s evil plans.

Musclebound men perform serious science

Orko, Eternia’s leading provider of comic relief, foolishly activates the vessel and is transported to present-day Earth.

Oh, Orko! Your uselessness creates plots out of thin air!

My hat goes off to Men-At-Arms for creating such an impressive feat of technology, but if Sputnik had accidentally beamed itself to another dimension, I’m pretty sure that would’ve been considered a colossal failure of million-dollar proportions, and a likely end to the space program.

Technically doesn’t count as kid-touching

On Earth, our magical misfit encounters two children lost in a blizzard after, apparently, hiking on foot to the Himalayas to find a Christmas tree. Orko provides them with shelter, and they teach him all about the Christmas holiday.

Creepy!

Meanwhile, back in Eternia, the gang is figuring out how to bring Orko and the Sky Spy back. Men-At-Arms concludes that his machine is powered by a magic crystal that, o.k., might not even exist, and it’s up to She-Ra to do him a solid and go find it.

Eternia has its own Aquaman

Now it’s Mermista’s time to shine! All-but-useless on land, only she can retrieve the crystal from its underwater hiding place, provided She-Ra can distract a surface-dwelling, beastly monster, hastily titled “The Beast Monster.”

She-Ra battles The Beast Monster on her trusty steed, Horse Creature

The crystal is found, but for reasons unclear the act unearths a race of evil transforming robots *cough* known as the “Monstroids.”

“Transformers?  Never heard of ‘em!”

The crystal works, and Orko and the Earth children are beamed back to Eternia.

Please enjoy some upskirt action

But the presence of the kids and their innate Christmas cheer creates a disturbance in the balance of good-to-evil. Horde Prime orders Skeletor and Hordak to eliminate any presence of Christmas, as it irks him ever so.

“Tonight, on Larry King Live…”

The children are kidnapped by Hordak, only to be re-kidnapped by the Monstroids. Wait a minute… are they… I think they are?!

Monstroids?! Exit, stage left

The audience is informed that the Monstroids are in constant battle with the insipidly saccharine race known as the Manchines…

Retail heroes

…tiny neon Precious Moments endowed with household abilities.  They’re seemingly unfit for battling giant robots…

Note: You’re still watching He-Man

…but perfect for a new toyline!  YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.

THE BALLS?

Now, many a Christmas special has served as a pilot for a new franchise, but He-Man was already a shameless vessel for new toys. So while this hour-long special was already showcasing action figures for two shows, they brazenly saw fit to try and introduce an entirely new line of nonsense blatantly ripped-off of Transformers and The Care Bears.

Also stupid: She-Ra’s rope sword

Skeletor is good example of the “writing” process of the show. Originally, he was a clear-cut arch nemesis to He-Man – the embodiment of pure evil, to be feared by all. But he eventually proved to be likable, even comical.

They may as well break out in song

There was an internal mandate not to portray Skeletor as “too evil,” and that usually provided the “writers” with the perfect excuse to parade around a new action figure in every episode.

Even the animation is undignified

So when the kids are re-re-kidnapped (are you following this?) by Skeletor, his bizarre transformation is almost acceptable, given how much he was marginalized. Although, I’m probably not the most credible judge right now, what with the sheer number of lame “Christmas Spirit” plot devices I’ve had to endure of late.

Fashion magic from the ram spear!

He provides the kids with coats and is and is eventually brought back to life by a puppy’s kiss. Seriously…

Addicted to lick

So Skeletor’s heart grew two sizes that day…

And Hordack, Skeletor, He-Man, She-Ra and Horde Prime finally clash in a colossal explosion of stock animation. Robots are thrown. Some lasers happen. Who gives a shit…

A rare, punchless fight

Most notably, Skeletor saves the children – and thus the day – by lasering a skill-crane claw, even though Horde Prime describes it as “Ow, my engine!” and crashes anyway.

Sigh…

Back at the castle, the gang engages in obligatory celebration.

Eternian tradition dictates that the stupidest character gets to top the tree

He-Ma… I mean, Prince Adam, dons a Santa suit and gives the kids flight belts as presents, and with that they’re beamed back to Earth.

I was originally infuriated by the idea of He-Man having such abundant access to the power of flight, even though he always had to ride around on dick-shaped jet skis… but then I got to thinking about Queen Marlena.

“That’s nice, now float your ass to bed”

If the kids could be sent back to Earth so easily, why didn’t she return as well? How low would your self-esteem have to be for you to fall in love with an alien before securing a ride back to Earth… I’m just saying, I developed a newfound sense of pity for the woman… Merry Christmas!

There are some Christ-like observations on Christmas, but Eternia is basically another dimension, so for all we know Jesus is still alive and rewarding people for their sins.

Santa doesn’t make stops in Eternia, so Prince Adam will have to suffice.

Man, the animators really went all-out

Utterly stupid, and a thinly veiled commercial for an entire warehouse full of new and preexisting toys.  I deserve a fucking Pulitzer for devoting as much time to this shit as I have, as I’d gladly take an embedded assignment in Iraq over watching He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special ever again. While I’m never in support of our government butting in on our television shows, at least they were aware of the “Catch ‘em all” brainwashing before I was: the FCC mandated that if 80’s cartoons such as these were going broadcast synergistic drivel over the public airwaves, a certain percentage had to be devoted to something “educational.” Which is why He-Man – and more notably, G. I. Joe – concluded every episode with a moral lesson presented directly to the viewer.

A Very Mattel Christmas

In this case, Prince Adam and Orko have a brief discussion on cultural holidays and tolerance, then fade out while laughing uproariously at something that wasn’t even remotely funny. So I’m giving it one ball just for that.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the site!)

I’m of the belief that He-Man and The Masters of the Universe is one of those shows that’s better left to memory. (But what do I know? Millions of people seem to love those idiotic Transformers movies). That said, the DVDs are actually pretty good, featuring great transfers with some substantial bonus features that I vastly prefer to watching the actual show. A Christmas Special is available on a standalone disc and features lots of goodies. You can find the entire series spread out across four volumes, although I highly recommend the Best Of set, since it features the episodes you remember best, as voted by the fans, along with some legitimately insightful supplemental features from the creators.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
REN AND STIMPY: SON OF STIMPY