NESTOR, THE LONG-EARED CHRISTMAS DONKEY
Original Air Date: December 3, 1977

Then one day pre-Christmas, Yahweh came to say / “Nestor with your ears so long, won’t you guide my unborn son along!”

BACKSTORY:

In the early 1960s, Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass formed a company originally known as Videocraft International. The Toronto-based studio began by focusing on a process then called “Animagic,” a stop-motion procedure usually farmed overseas to largely uncredited Japanese animators (who would later make a mass exodus to Studio Ghibli, of Spirited Away and Ponyo fame).

The Videocraft logo as it appears in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and the Rankin/Bass logo that preceded Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey

Videocraft’s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was an enormous smash right out of the gate, and the company followed suit with several other long-running Christmas specials including Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town and Frosty the Snowman.

You know these guys

While the studio dabbled in specials – and even feature films – with non-Christmas themes, it became fairly clear by the mid-’70s that Holiday specials were going to be its bread and butter. So what’s a studio to do when it runs out of Christmas tunes and legends to turn into animated specials? Well, after spinning off Rudolph and Frosty sequels, they made up a tale of their own.

BREAKDOWN:
Man, I loved this special back in the day, but Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey is fucking frightening! I mean, I’m pretty hard-pressed to come down on Rankin-Bass for almost any reason…but Jesus Christ, you guys?!

Shots in this sequence were reused from Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town

I’m well aware the duo probably didn’t have all that many Christmas jingles to retrofit into an “X the Xmas Y” formula, but did they really have to concoct a tale so unrelentingly cruel and wrought with tragedy that it’s… well, actually pretty befitting of its biblical setting, come to think of it.

Sty, Sweet Sty

Seriously, all the crap Disney takes for its past comedic depictions of animal cruelty and murdering the parents of its heroes in plain sight can’t hold a Menorah candle to the bloodcurdling heartbreak Nestor has in store in just twenty-four minutes.

AHAHAHAHAH, FREAK!

I mention this not as a criticism, but as almost a warning to others who care to watch it.  I was completely convinced that I was settling in for nothing more than a lighthearted Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer rip-off.

“Yeah, I’m standin’ on your ear. Do somethin’ about it!”

Nestor starts off with yet another celebrity introducing our titular hero in song.

Roger Miller, serenading you into depression

Roger Miller, the singer songwriter behind twangy country hits like “King of the Road,” voices Speiltoe, and he does a helluva a good job convincing the audience they’re not about to see things that will be burned into whatever portion of your brain gets referenced every time your body decides it’s time for a nightmare.

Livin’ like an ass ain’t easy

Nestor is mocked mercilessly for his obvious condition, but since we’ve all been conditioned to anticipate that his deformity will save the day a mere twenty minutes from now, you’ll probably assume you can roll with his punches.

Ker-THUD

Thing is, the woodland creatures’ jabs are far more unrelenting than those in Rudolph. Plus, without a Clarice or Hermey to alleviate Nestor’s pain, his torment is absolutely heartbreaking to watch.

Dicks

And not just because you’ll see the first of many shots of Nestor crying his eyes out.

Nestor is trying to break your heart

The song, “Don’t Laugh and Make Somebody Cry,” digs deep into how much it sucks to be Nestor, and it’s accompanied with elongated montages of animals laughing loudly and being unbelievably cruel to the poor jackass.

Humans aren’t any nicer

His mother is his only sanctuary. Even Olaf the stable-hand refuses to feed Nestor on account of his ear-induced uselessness, and the poor kid would go hungry if it weren’t for his mammy.

A rare smile

Yet even after all that heartbreak and peer rejection, what depressed me even more was that the special makes a point of saying that the only time anybody was nice to Nestor was around the Winter Solstice.

As if his life before this moment never even happened

This hit me in a strange way, as it reminded me of instances in grade school where I can recall everyone being nice to a kid around Christmas or his birthday, only to treat him like a shit-based swastika the other 364 days of the year. It brought back this strange sense of pain and pity at the idea that a rotten lot in life has nothing to do with your behavior, just…. Depressing!

Roman Holiday

And in come the Romans! Ever the harbingers of bad news in biblical times, a soldier arrives to buy livestock for the Emperor’s service. Of course he ends up simply stealing them, but not before interrupting Nestor’s single day of sanctity by once again pointing out that his ears are, in fact, larger than regular-sized ears.

Abuse!

This is the last straw for Olaf, familiarly voiced by Paul Frees, who chucks Nestor out on his, erm, ass to die in the snow.

Perk to having long ears #1

Fortunately, his mother comes to his rescue, offering calm and warmth throughout that furiously cold winter night.

Ahhhh, everything’s cool now, right?

“As savagery often does, it left beauty in its wake,” says Speiltoe cheerfully, as if we’re about to catch up with Nestor and his mother cooking three-egg omelets over a cracklin’ morning fire…

Nope

Yeah…your Mom’s dead, dude.

RIP MOM

And it’s pretty much your fault. I don’t know why, but I didn’t remember this. Bear in mind I’m the closest thing to a “Professional Christmas Special Commentator” the internet’s got going… But I was so goddamned gutwrenchingly depressed by Nestor at this point, I damn near turned it off. An industry first!

Goddammit… SAD!

Nestor wanders the forest looking for a reason to live, only to find snow and more snow and ears that continue to trip him up every third step. Fortuntely, an angelic creature appears out of the blue to give him a mission.

GAH!

Did you know that whereas angels guide humans, cherubs guide animals? Me neither! But truly I appreciate the heavenly Tilly for finally making the distinction. And in another Christmas miracle, Tilly also ties back into yesterday’s special, as she’s voiced by Brenda Vaccaro, the voice behind Johnny Bravo’s mom!

Greener pastures

She playfully tugs Nestor’s ears as they sing-songedly make their way to Bethlehem, where some sort of surprise awaits him. This scene brought me right back into whimsy, as it’s a warm – and snowless – montage of Nestor acting happily for the first time since the special began.

Bears are jerks too

Sorry, I just gotta show you some more, because Lord knows I need the pick-me-up at this point in the special.

Astounding stop-motion work here

Big Ear perk #2!

Once in Bethlehem, Tilly books it back to heaven and Nestor wanders aimlessly, once again subjected to the mockery of his peers. Somehow he ends up on the auction block, where he continues to be undesired thanks to his unsightly ears.

You might recognize the camels from The Little Drummer Boy

That is until one day a poor carpenter shows up looking for something his pregnant wife can ride on – Shhhhh, don’t ruin it for everybody yet!

“Do you accept prayer?”

Some broke ass-couple going under the names of Joseph and Mary need a lift, and they’re not picky about the paint job.

Ridin’ out

Unfortunately, the trio gets caught in a sandstorm, and the narrator tells us that Nestor considers dumping the fat lady and heading into shelter. But then: a guiding light…

Screw the humans

“SIMBA…”

Both Tilly and Nestor’s mother appear to him, telling him to listen. Galdurnnit, big ears probably mean big listentin’!

I suppose you could call it a manger

Nestor guides the couple through the storm and into the city. With all the hotels full, he figures a stable is as good a place as any – why, they’ll be as happy and warm as he used to be, nestled next to his mother in the hay,

Home at last!

Nestor gets them where they need to go, but doesn’t even stick around. Three wise looking men show up, but all they want to do is adulate this new born baby instead of the little burro who rose above the odds and boldly got the couple to safety.

“Oh wait, I hate you guys!”

Having turned his perceived weakness into a fucking superpower, Nestor heads home with his head held high, right back into the welcoming arms of… his tormenters. Huh, I guess word gets around

Nestor is commemorated with his own piece in the Nativity scene

Big time… almost.

This is all you ever see of Jesus H. What a tease!

The Baby Jesus is never actually seen, but with the angels, shinging stars, and alleged virgin cargo, his presence is heavily implied.

He’s here, but you gotta remember, the events of this story predate Kringle by several hundred years

I’m still pretty baffled as to why Rudolph- I mean Nestor, headed back to the place where people hated him. That logic aside, it still makes for a pretty happy ending, especially once you consider it comes after what could be the most morose first act of any Christmas special in the history of both Christmas and television. That said, the songs are enjoyable, and even though the mouths of damn near everybody appear a little more low-rent than usual, you can certainly see the evolution in Rankin/Bass’ craft. They appear to have mastered the art of suspending objects in air, making for numerous feats of stop-motion awe, and the camera swoops and pans in ways I’d have to imagine blew pre-Matrix audiences away. It can be a bit depressing, but Nestor, the Long-Eared Donkey is the furthest thing from a waste of your time in December.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Shop Amazon through us – it helps!)

Nestor, the Long-Eared Donkey appears on a no-frills disc from the Warner Archives bundled with The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus. It also shows up alongside other bonus specials on discs that have fallen out-of-print, however, I suggest you move your butt and buy the miraculously still available Classic Christmas Favorites set. It contains TEN specials, including How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town, Frosty the Snowman, and a bunch of others well worth owning. You could try your luck with the out-of-print discs, but hey, I already gave you my two cents.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
A JOHNNY BRAVO CHRISTMAS

2009′s Dec. 13th Christmas Special
INVADER ZIM: THE MOST HORRIBLE XMAS EVER

WILL VINTON’S CLAYMATION CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION
Original Air Date: December 21, 1987

SYNOPSIS:
The California Raisins and their Claymation brethren present the smartest, funniest, most creative and clayiest Christmas TRL you could ever ask for.

BACKSTORY:
Will Vinton didn’t invent claymation, but he does own the trademark.  No, really.  And he also lays claim to the creation of the California Raisins, which can come in handy if, say, you want to produce an animated Christmas special during the height of Raisinmania. (He also created The Noid, whom you should avoid, FYI.)

All that clay are belong to him

Not to imply that Vinton is some kind of proprietary asshole.  He’s done more than just about anyone to further the medium of clay animation (o.k., his words, not mine), including coining and trademarking the term “Claymation^TM,” which rolls off the tongue so much more easily than “clay animation,” don’t you think?

The famously canceled NES game developed by Capcom

Vinton created the California Raisins in 1987, as the stars of a commercial for the most boring-sounding agency on earth, the California Raisin Advisory Board (CALRAB).  And for those of you who weren’t around at the time (or were living under a rock), let me tell you: America went California-nuts for the California Raisins.

How, indeed…

We were a nation obsessed with those wrinkly little hunks of doo-wopping Model Magic.  We plastered them all over our pillowcases, Trapper Keepers, footie pajamas, cereal boxes, Hardees cinnamon raisin buns – basically anywhere you could put a raisin without getting slapped.

Love your raisin, hate yourself

On top of that, they had four studio albums, an animated TV series, and a couple of feature films, making them more successful than all the winners of American Idol combined.

So it should come as no surprise that when Vinton made A Claymation Christmas Celebration later that year, he decided to close it out with the marketing gold that was the California Raisins and their R&B rendition of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”

Perhaps the faded popularity of the Raisins is part of the reason this feature has faded from the public eye.  It originally aired on CBS, but by the early 1990s had been relegated to cable and is now no longer shown anywhere.  Which is a shame, because it’s one my all-time favorite specials – funny, original, and wonderfully animated (sorry - claymated).

BREAKDOWN:
A Claymation Christmas Celebration is essentially a series of Christmas carol music videos hosted by the Mesozoic Odd Couple: straight-man Rex, an erudite, red Tyrannosaurus Jeff Goldblum; and foil Herb, a bulbous, lisping garbage disposal of a stegosaurus who proves that yes, Virginia, vegetarians can be fat.

Our prehistoric Felix and Oscar

As Rex dryly lays it out, “thematically speaking, we’ll be looking at Christmas carols as they relate to specific traditions.”  Snore.  It’s no wonder Herb feels a need to comfort eat…

First under the microscope is “We Three Kings,” but before Rex can finish his introductory discourse, along come a group of hound dogs singing “here we come a waffling,” and pushing a cart full of…WAFFLES!

Nums.

It’s a little something for everyone, as Herb gets to stuff his face with Belgian deliciousness…

“As usual, Herb, there you go letting history take a back seat to your stomach”

…and Rex gets to digress, interjecting, “pardon me, but you’re making a lyrical error in that fine old Christmas carol…”

But Rex is vexed – while he can successfully identify the true term as “wassailing,” no one, himself included, knows what it means.  Thus begins one of the special’s running gags, as a whole cast of characters parade in on the action with their own variations on “Here We Come A-Wassailing.”  But I’m getting ahead of myself…

Spoiler alert!

“We Three Kings” is preformed by clay versions of the Three Wise Men themselves – Melchior, Gaspar, and Balthasar – with an interjected chorus courtesy of some doo-wop camels whose vocal style bears more than a little resemblance to those yet-unseen dried fruits.

Close your eyes and picture…raisins!

The trios trade turns at the mic in a sound-off that leaves the wise guys eating camel dust.

“I hate you.”

“We love you!”

Luckily, they can all agree on one thing: their destination -  Jesus’ birthplace, illuminated by the Star of Bethlehem©.

My gift for Jesus: not-crack

Even more than twenty years later, the jazzy swing of the camels’ “star of wonder, star of night,” cheesy as it is, takes me straight back to the Christmases of my childhood – basking in the glow of the Christmas lights while I was sung to sleep by three pachyderms.

Jesus…better than GPS

Herb and Rex return to introduce my favorite clip: the Paris Bellharmonic performing “Carol of the Bells.”

“One of the ways to drive evil off was by making a great deal of noise…”

“This isn’t driving you off!”

Conductor Quasimodo has put together a fine ensemble of anthropomorphic bells, with the exception of one particularly unfocused member who gets distracted, plays some air guitar, hits himself in the face trying to swat a fly, and loses his mallet.

Someone I would probably date if I were a bell

The whole sketch is so clever that I don’t want to give away the punch line (you should really watch it yourself, HINT HINT), but I’ll just say that Quasi ultimately saves the day with a move that would leave Bart Simpson green with envy.

Don’t mess.

After being pulled briefly off track to deal with a flock of ducks come a-waddling, our prehistoric hosts present “Oh Christmas Tree,” which, while the claymating is stellar, is frankly not the most exciting tool in the shed.  So we’ll move on…

Yeah, it’s kinda like that

We’re next introduced to two physics-defying ice-skating walruses: the world-famous prima ballerina Margot Pontoon and her partner, Rudolf Nerves-on-Edge.

It’s a testament to the quality of the animation that Margot and Rudolf move exactly how you imagine a pair of ice-dancing walrus ballerinas would.

A majestic-y creature

They’re fluid (relatively speaking) and graceful(-ish), but they collide one too many times with the friendly neighborhood penguins…

Don’t get too attached…

Kapow!

…and when the walruses’ final salchow leaves them three feet underwater, the aggrieved penguins waste no time sealing up the hole.

Sorta like David and Goliath, except not at all

Too bad no one bothered to tell them that walruses are semi-aquatic animals.

Can’t nobody hold me down

We return to find Herb and Rex mired in reference books, trying to determine the true meaning of the term “wassailing,” when who should appear but a slew of swine come a-wallowing.  No, no, no, no, no! It’s all Rex can do to keep us, dear viewers, on the straight and narrow while trying to restrain Herb from joining the pig-out.

“Joy!”

Better distract us by cutting to the trippy African Pride Jesus-montage…

o.k., sure, a baby’s ass…why not?

The “Joy to the World” sequence is, in a word, weirdasballs.  I’m sure the animation is a marvel of modern plasticine, but this thing is like taking a baaaaaad trip soundtracked by Luther Vandross covering Manheim Steamroller.  Which I guess isn’t all bad, since synth-rock was my second-favorite childhood Christmas tradition, but still.

Here’s just a sampling of the crazy-ass shit that happens in the 2:30 that it takes to sing “Joy to the World.”  For the rest of the collection, please see my nightmares from the past twenty-two years.

So far, so…so.

I don’t remember anything like this in “Rudolph”…

Not okay.

Mommy?

Boobs!  All is forgiven, Vinton.

Finally we get to some damn Raisin action, introduced by ultimate CALRAB fan-boy Herb…

Sunglasses are how you knew something was cool in the ‘80s.

In a classic case of “slow food,” A.C., Bebop, Red, and Zoot spent so long shooting the shit that they missed the last bus home on Christmas Eve.  So what do they do?  Deliver the finest Motown “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” to ever grace our ears, of course!

See?  Cool.

And at the same time, they learn a hard lesson in acceptance when it turns out that one of their own is also a shiner.

“Craisin!”

Not really – they spend the whole song making fun of his nose…

“There’s no possible way they can mock me if I’m hiding behind this snowman”

FAIL

…then rope him to the front of a ghetto-fabulous sleigh and make him pull them home.

A little holiday oppression to warm your cockles

Fruits can be so cruel.

The special ends with Rex, Herb (who’s put on a good 3 packs of Sculpey) and all of their waffling, waddling, and wallowing compadres enjoying a full mug of Christmas spirit, courtesy of some singing leprechauns who pull up a-drinking – no, wait – a-wassailing!

Leave it to the Irish to show up wasted at the end

They’re carting a frat’s-worth of “Cyril’s Cider” (Really?  Not wassail?  Whatevs.), and they’re not a moment too soon because Rex is about to pop a vein.

“Fuck all y’all!”

Luckily, everyone finally gets what they wanted for Christmas – Rex gets validation, Herb gets enough clay snacks to feed a herd of bulimic elephants, and all of the claytastic characters get to make one last appearance.

What really killed the dinosaurs

Or rather, almost all of them.  In a much-appreciated nod to what I, and probably everyone with eyes, wanted for Christmas, those creepy-ass “Joy to the World” fuckers are nowhere to be seen.

LET’S WASSAIL!

While I wouldn’t call this a religious special (thank God!), and there’s certainly no molded Jesus anywhere, A Claymation Christmas does seem to have a little more savior-presence than most of the specials we’ve seen so far.

For one thing, it’s based around a series of carols that, whether we’re wont to admit it or not, sing the praises of Jesus’ big day.  Then, of course, there are the aforementioned manger-moseying Wise Men, and while I didn’t really want to have to bring it up again, the “Joy to the World” segment has more than a few images that could probably garner a cool sum on eBay if they were to show up on a piece of toast.

The face of Mary in…a program about Christmas!

Old Saint Nick makes just one blink-and-you’ll-miss-it appearance, (understandably) dozing in his rocking chair during the soporific “Oh Christmas Tree.”  But Herb does don an ever-strained Santa suit during the entire special, so we’ll give ‘em kudos for that, too.

A Claymation Christmas certainly doesn’t have a heartwarming moral, (too much) religious iconography, or a tidy resolution, but the melding of classic carols with ambulatory clay, quirky humor, Christmas treats, and those quintessentially 80′s spokes-raisins perfectly encapsulates everything that I loved about the holidays when I was growing up.  So while this may be the last nail in the coffin of the Christmas-spirit scale’s validity, I’m giving it 5 balls.  Cuz I love it.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the Site!)

Contrary to popular belief, Will Vinton’s Claymation Christmas Celebration is available on DVD… and isn’t it time you upgraded from that VHS you recorded twenty years ago? (I know I probably should!) It contains the uncut special we all know and love, as well as Halloween and Easter specials you’ve likely never seen.

If you’re still in the mood for some vintage Vinton, I can easily recommend his full-length movie The Adventures of Mark Twain (which contains the notoriously frightening “Satan scene”), but if you’re simply hunting for something under the criteria of “stop-motion” and “Christmas,” you could do a helluva lot worse than the newly remastered The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
A FAT ALBERT CHRISTMAS

ROBBIE THE REINDEER in HOOVES OF FIRE
Original air date: December 25, 1999

SYNOPSIS:
Rudolph’s well-intentioned but ill-applied offspring heads to the North Pole to fulfill his destiny as Santa’s chief navigator, only to find that he’s up against both a territorial Blitzen and the march of technology.  Will he step up his party-boy game in time, or have to return home a Prodigal Son?

BACKSTORY:
Robbie the Reindeer in Hooves of Fire premiered Christmas Day 1999 on the BBC.  The special was presented to benefit the charity organization Comic Relief, and it went on to win a prestigious BAFTA award in 2000, beating out such steep competition as Robot Wars and So Graham Norton.

Despite huge popularity in the U.K., it received a lukewarm reception in the U.S., where it was initially picked up by Fox Family and later sold to CBS.  Attributing its lack of appeal to the thick and varied British accents (and, let’s be honest, looking to score some star appeal), CBS re-dubbed it for American audiences in 2002, enlisting the voices of such Hollywood illuminati as Ben Stiller, Brad Garrett, Hugh Grant, and the famous voice actor Britney Spears.  Stripping the original characters of both their charm and comic timing, though, the U.S. version’s main value has proven to be as the clearest recorded example of voice-over work done through a mouthful of Cheetos.

The voice of Robbie the Reindeer: Father Ted’s Ardal O’Hanlon in the U.K., Ben Stiller in the U.S.

Robbie is the son of Rudolph, although that famous reindeer is never mentioned specifically by name. This allowed the production to play loose with the lore set in place by the 1964 Rudolph Christmas special. According to that legend, Donner should be Robbie’s grandfather, but instead she’s Robbie’s female teammate and eventual love interest.  Try not to think about it too much.

Grandpa?!?!

Although Hooves of Fire wasn’t technically made by Aardman Animations (the studio most famous for the Wallace and Gromit series), many Aardman staff – including director Richard Goleszowski – worked on the production, and their influence is readily apparent in its characteristic style.  Fans of the aforementioned limey and his inimitable pooch will find plenty to love in Robbie’s similarly detailed animation, vivid expressions, and twisted British sense of humor.

Two more Robbie specials were later created: Legend of The Lost Tribe in 2002 and Close Encounters of the Herd Kind in 2007.  And having never seen either of them, that’s all I have to say about that.

BREAKDOWN:
Our story begins with Robbie’s arrival in Coldchester, North Pole – home of none other than jolly old St. Nick.  Robbie is the son of a famous reindeer whose name we never quite learn (for copyright reasons, rumor has it – because asset protection is to Christmas as gluttony is to Thanksgiving), but if I had to guess, I’d wager that he probably had a very shiny nose.

I have no idea what this sign says, but I bet it’s full of dry British humour

Robbie’s immediately greeted by his new housemates and fellow sleigh-pullers: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome frat-boy Prancer; sulking sexpot Vixen; bubbly welcome wagon Donner; and malevolent alpha male Blitzen.  Blitzen can’t wait to welcome the famous Robbie to the gang, but something about his Jeremy Irons-esque drawl (as voiced by Steve Coogan) seems to presage evil.

Check out special-needs Beaker on the right there...

Apparently the product of some sort of genetic lottery gone awry, Robbie’s got a schnozz that’s part GPS and part seeing-eye dog, with a dash of ESP thrown in for good measure. And, like most celebrity offspring, he’s also overweight, lazy, entitled, and all too quick to embarrass himself on film.

What not to wear

Still, his heart’s in the right place – poor Robbie just wants to take his rightful place as the head of Santa’s sleigh team (and if he gets to bone Vixen in the meantime, well, so be it).  And with that Google-maps beak of his, he knows he’s got this one in the bag…

This hunk of red clay is smarter than Miss South Carolina.

Or does he?  In the absence of he-who-shall-not-be-named, Blitzen has been playing leader of the pack, and he’s not about to give up his throne without a fight.  Especially not to the son of some stinking red-nose who stole his thunder all those years ago.

Despite appearances, there is not actually a break-dancing sequence in this special.  Sorry, kids.

Robbie’s none too keen on the 364-day training regimen portion of the program as it is, so a scheming Blitzen pounces on his opportunity to encourage him to eat and sleep his way off the team.

Uh, Robbie? You’re doing it wrong.

But wait – who said anything about anyone leaving the team?…

Oh yeah – this guy.

The reindeer soon learn that a mid-life-crisis Santa’s gone and gotten himself a souped-up new ride, complete with a navigation system so advanced even Mrs. Claus could drive this thing.  And that means he’ll be needing one less steed to pull him to adulation, so it’s auf wiedersehen to the reindeer who is most unfit (criteria courtesy of local helping-hand Blitzen).

If you thought Santa’s calves were scary, wait ’til you meet this wigger

It’s a rude awakening for Robbie, who realizes he’s traded his legacy for a quarter-pounder.  So he does what any troubled celebu-spawn would: runs away from home and slums it with a blue-collar job in the local toy factory.

Octomonkey!

As the product of a life of luxury, though, Robbie is woefully unprepared for even the most banal factory work, and he undergoes a series of demotions that culminate in the humiliation of being used as a human (ah, reindeer) forklift.

And you thought antlers were just for giving your decor that special “Palin” vibe

Fortunately, Donner spots our familiar forklift one day during a factory visit, and she’s got good news for Robbie – she has a plan!  The way for Robbie to reclaim his place on the sleigh team is to win a medal in the upcoming Reindeer Games (sponsored by Hay^TM), thus redeeming himself in Santa’s eyes.

PSYCH!  It’s a dream sequence, suckahs…

But for that to happen they’re going to need a miracle, or at least a “wise old coach who can save the day.”  Enter Old Jingle, the local crazy-as-balls, older-than-dirt Mr. Miyagideer.

Homina, Homina, Homina

Jingle whips Robbie into shape with the workout montage to end all workout montages and, during a rare bout of lucidity, soothes his nerves with some sage old-man wisdom.

Aaaand Vangelis will be needing a clean pair of boxers

By the time the big day arrives, not only is Robbie a lean, mean steeple-chasing machine, but he’s also found new motivation in his spontaneously realized love for Donner (who’d been pining for him all along, but in that cryptic, passive-aggressive way that women do.  So, you know, he could be forgiven for giving her the brush-off.)

“I love everything about the person I’m going to change you into”

Still, it’s not going to be a trot in the park.  Turns out Blitzen’s ambitions are more A-Rod than Iditarod – he’s been juicing (apparently you can drink steroids now, which would have been nice to know before I had a forearm like a pimiento loaf…) to gain a hoof up on the competition.

Pop quiz: which one of these hairy beasts has bedded Madonna?

Fortunately, Blitzen’s ‘roid rage is no match for Rocky’s – er, Robbie’s – training (and general love-fueled mania).  Even after sprinting out of the park pre-race to rescue a prostrate Old Jingle from his poorly placed (read: on top of him) house, Robbie manages to return and chase Blitzen down to a photo finish.

And the winner is…Blitzen, by a nose!  BURN.

No matter – the Reindeer Games commission is onto Blitzen anyway, and Robbie could care less, what with the all-night romp-in-the-hay you know he’s in for (don’t think I don’t know that look, Donner…).

Yesssssss

So Santa apologizes in the best way men know how – by lending Robbie his wheels and never mentioning this again – and Robbie and Donner ride off into the moonset to the sounds of a Mark Knopfler song cheesy enough to plug you up from now ’til New Year’s.

You kids be careful, now, or it’s gonna be more than just your hooves on fire.

Awww, shucks.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the Site!)

Hooves on Fire is available on DVD, packaged with Robbie’s 2002 follow-up, The Legend of The Lost Tribe. The disc contains both British and American voice tracks, but, in the biggest slap in the face since the Boston Tea Party, bills the original version as a bonus “alternate U.K. audio track.”

Hooves director Richard Goleszowski went on to work with Aardman studios on the Creature Comforts series, including this double-sized Christmas episode available on a stand alone DVD as well as the Wallace and Gromit spin-off Shaun the Sheep.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer