BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD DO CHRISTMAS
Original Airdate: December 19, 1995

Two of cinema’s most wholesome classics tackled by MTV foulest duo…

BACKSTORY

Beavis and Butt-head debuted in the short film “Frog Baseball”for Spike and Mike’s Twisted Animation Festival in 1992. MTV saw the potential in the characters and got the short aired on the channel’s late-night indie animation showcase, Liquid Television, followed by a full blown series beginning on March 8, 1993.

The short that started it all

Beavis and Butt-head was an TV instant smash, spawning their own successful CD , The Beavis and Butt-head Experience, featuring previously unreleased tracks by Megadeth, Nirvana, Anthrax and chart-topping duet with Cher, as well as a positively received, record-breaking theatrical film, Beavis and Butt-head Do America, in 1996.

America Done

Unfortunately, that success was somewhat bittersweet, as Mike Judge’s duo found themselves at the center of much controversy. They were consistently held up as political scapegoats for the decline of American values, and were even blamed outright for inspiring events that led to the death of at least two children.

You probably could use a nostalgic pick-me-up right now

After an Ohio boy set his mobile home ablaze, killing his two-year-old sister, it was ordered that any instance of Beavis and Butt-head using fire, or even saying the word “fire,” be omitted from the airwaves. As a result of being under such scrutiny, many episodes have never rerun in their original form.

Doing what they do best

Worse still, other issues, such as the licensing issues to the music video interstitials, comprehensive DVD sets continue to elude the duo. Rare VHS tapes, out-of-print discs and pricey bootlegs still circulate eBay and fetch a tidy sum. Making for an even more unique circumstance, in 2010 Mike Judge took MTV up on its standing offer to return Beavis and Butt-head to the airwaves following the end of production on his highly successful King of the Hill. Almost 14 years after the episode “Beavis and Butt-head Are Dead” the eighth season of Beavis and Butt-head premiered on October 27, 2011.

BREAKDOWN

Look, I loved Beavis & Butthead just as much as any boy my age, back then on the cusp of teenagery and puberty. But I let that go a long time ago. This site’s made me good at that, letting things go. I just had assumed PG butt puns and masturbation jokes wouldn’t hold up alone wouldn’t hold up for me. That said, I’m fairly relieved to report I was wrong!

I’ve only caught a few eps of the recently reinvigorated show on MTV, so I’m also happy to say I liked it. Liked it just fine. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined these two could be elevated to “classic character” status, but there’s still something lovable about these two juvenile, oblivious dicks that refuses to die.

Better than the juvenile name implies

I’m equally happy to report that Beavis and Butthead Do Christmas is still profoundly giggle-worthy, and that’s made more impressive once you consider that it willfully commits two of my Christmas Special Cardinal Sins: Parodying A Christmas Carol or It’s a Wonderful Life. While Beavis and Butthead’s Christmas special does both, it somehow succeeds, seemingly by just not giving a shit. Or rather, refusing to acknowledge the lessons and morals conveyed in either sacred Xmas tome, as well as being far less direct in their send ups.

Get it?

Huh-Huh-Humbug, the first segment of this multi-part special kicks off with some startling Holiday imagery.

That’s a dead rat on a burger grill in case you weren’t already in the Xmas spirit

We then find Beavis and Butthead hard at work at Burger World on Christmas Eve. Both are scolded for slacking off, however, Beavis gets a more specific dressing down by the manager.

Leave him alone, mustache – he looks happy!

“What would happen if you actually applied yourself?” he’s asked by a man with really no no right to give anyone else shit about life decisions.

 Imaginary role reversal

Beavis lets his imagination take flight and envisions himself as the manager of Burger World. But with great power, comes great responsibility, so Beavis commands his workforce to stay late, now consisting of Butthead and their principal Mr. McVicker so he can go home and masturbate. Ah, the simple pleasures…

Winner of six Tonys!

Unfortunately, Beavis’ screening of “Ebenezer Screw” is interrupted by a ghostly apparition. And it’s some one all too familiar…

I know that pose

Enter Butthead Marley, a spirit clad in chains and VHS tapes, sent to warn Beavis of an impending visit of three ghosts. What’s great is how neither of them seem to care at all about the sacrosancnt roles they’ve been cast in.

Technically, he was alive five minutes ago

Even Butthead wants to check out the Holiday porn, and I don’t know about you but I for one can wholly relate to Beavis’ plight, that of simply wanting to get back to his rudely interrupted jerk session. But it is not to be…

Right when the adult thespian is about to unveil her goodies, The Ghost of Christmas Past emerges, played by none other than Hank Hill- I mean, neighbor Tom Andersen.

 “That boy ain’t right.”

He takes Beavis on a soul-searching look his previous Christmases throughout the years. Thankfully, I can show you the whole joke.

lol

And that’s it. Andersen tries to convey the importance of helping people, over say, doing anything  but watching TV. But hey, we all (all men) know what it’s like to be nursing an erection. You don’t have all the blood in your brain and can be less than receptive to new ideas, thus Christmas Past’s advice falls on deaf, blueballed ears.

 Descending like a lesbian seagull

Back to the porn! But only briefly, for it is time for everyone’s hippy-dippy educationalist, Mr. Van Driessen, as The Ghost of Christmas present! What I realized here is that Beavis and Butthead don’t have a whole lot of characters in their universe to cast. I’d initially wondered why Principal McVicker was shoehorned into being a Burger World employ earlier. Now I get it:  He’s Bob Cratchit – DURR!

More disturbing than the kids, his wife looks exaclty like him

Who were they going to use, Daria? (Fear not, she appears later.) Despite looking to be in his late 60s, it turns the McVickcers are a bunch of preteen little Vivkers out there, and they’re all starving and missing their pops this Christmas Eve. The man of the house sneaks home on his break to deliver Christmas tidings: Day old burger and temporary tattoos. Van Driessen reasons that this pitiful situation is Beavis’ fault, but all he can see is an employee stealing and vows to fire him next chance he gets.

Hope you like Lisa Frank and diabetes

Exit another ghost with zero lessons earned. Maybe it’s time for someone a little more stern, shall we say?

“What is your major malfunction, numb nuts?!”

Hooray, it’s my favorite character from the show, the Phys Ed. coach! Whom I only just learned is actually named Bradley Buzzcut… Seriously?

He trained the ghost who then trained Patrick Swayze

Before we move on, It’s worth pointing out that Mike Judge has been the voice of EVERY character so far. The coach smacks Beavis around and fully letting him know that his life is headed nowhere, but it’s to no avail. Beavis has his own vision of the future and it’s considerably more awesome.

 Robo-manager

Please notice that this here’s a dream sequence within a dream sequence! You may call it sloppy storytelling, I call it the precursor to Inception. Anyway, Beavis imagines himself as a managerial cyborg who kills complaining Burger World patrons. Quite touchingly, it ends with him shooting Butthead in the dick.

 Not the future we want, but the one we deserve

Clearly, Beavis is failing to conceptualize what’s happening here, but if there’s anyone who can make the tough decisions, it’s the goddamned Coach! Warning Boys: This is brutal

 “Show me no more, spirit!”

Just when Beavis is arriving at his vaginaless epiphany, he’s awoken at midnight in Burger World by Butthead. Beavis regales Butthead with the details, learning only that in the future he’ll probably be the boss. In true Dickensian fashion, the episode ends with, the boys both come to the conclusion that “working on Christmas Eve is cool.”

 G’night everybody!

The two segments in Beavis and Butt-head Do Christmas are bridged together with a “Letters to Santa Butthead” segment. Rather than bore you with the details, why don’t I just show it to you until MTV has it removed. Wanna get to the next segment because it’s my favorite of the two.

The It’s a Wonderful Life parody kicks off with the voices of Highland praying to the Gods to “get rid of,” okay, “kill” Beavis and Butthead. The pleas are so numerous and heartfelt, Heaven has no choice but to act while the duo flips through several Holiday staples of 90s television.

 RoboClaus, a B & B Holiday tradition

Charlie, the boys’ guardian angel, tries to get their attention through their prefered deity of television, but they ignore him after realizing Christmas probably isn’t best spent watching TV anyway… and they’re far better off going on a quest for chicks.

Or chick magazines

 Sadly, Wet Hooters ceased publication in 2008

On a dilapidated bridge, Beavis and Butthead meet Charlie and acknowledge him for the first time. He informs them he’s here to kill them, however, he’s new at this whole “murder thing” and it would make things it much easier if they just killed themselves.

 Reckless horseplay

Obviously, the assume a world without them as totally sucking, so Charlie opts to take Butthead on a journey to see what the world would look like without him in it.

Without Butt-head, Burger World is no longer devoid of customers

First, they come upon Tom Andersen’s house. With Butthead no longer around to destroy his yard, the entire neighborhood can enjoy an ornate Holiday presentation. This disagrees with Butthead, so he destroys it anyway.

 Still very much not Hank Hill

Next we see gang at Highland High. Not only has Principal McVikers managed to keep his hair…

Note that frown, upside down

Daria has found a nice boy to date, now that her taste in men is no longer corrupted by these Men of Farts and Fire. To Butthead, this scenario is also filled with suck.

La-La-La-La-Laa

Lastly, we come upon a soup kitchen where Stewart is working. However, in this alternate reality, everyone’s favorite Winger/Unicorn lover (he’s wearing an equally atrocious Poison t-shirt) is a bit of a dick, actually, and he now bosses around a subservient Beavis.

Who wears the Winger shirt now?

To make matters worse, Butthead learns that, without his influence, Beavis has never once heard, nor used, the word “bunghole” in his life! The horror.

Hobo sanity

This now unacquainted duo breaks out into a fight that is put out by nearby homeless men who end up punching Butthead. Once warped back to the bridge, they both agree the world sucks without them in it.

The world has been reBeavised

Charlie begs to differ, but in one last maniacal attempt to convince the two to commit suicide, he ends up killing himself by falling of the rickety, icey bridge.

Good luck, Chuck

How’s that for a spin on a time-honored classic? Huh-Huh

Beavis and Butt-head were no strangers to controversey hot button topics, however, Christ was still a subject too thorny to broach.

Butt-head plays the part deftly, and we can even see a street Santa in one scene as well. Alas, the real deal is a total no show here.

Honestly, this is a difficult one to write about here. I genuinely approach each special looking for warmth, some mild Holiday tradition, and a little Christmas spirit. Beavis and Butt-head Do Christmas works primarily because it proudly lacks all of that. Despite my preconceived notions about the characters, I loved it, and that should really count for something. But should I really recommend it to people looking looking to heat the cockles of their Holiday hearts?! Fuck it, how many of you pay attention to these ratings anyway?

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the Site!)

Beavis and Butt-head have been pretty tough for both fans and MTV to nail down on DVD. For one, the music video portion of the show makes the full, uncut and chronological a licensing nightmare. Secondly, two companies have released B&B DVDs, and it seems smaller single-disc sets released by Time-Life (seriously?!) are much less altered than the episodes found in all three Mike Judge Collections released by MTV that purport “Director’s Cuts” inside. You can find Beavis and Butt-Head Do Christmas on three different DVDs, although each presents its own problems, the single disc version is long out-of-print and Vol. 3 of the Mike Judge Collection Vol. 3 presents the special out of order. Examine your own levels of nerdiness and sort it out for yourself, won’t you?

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
SNOWY, XMAS IMAGERY FROM DISNEY MOVIES

2010′s Dec. 3 Christmas Special
GIFT WRAPPED

2009′s Dec. 3 Christmas Special
A WISH FOR WINGS THAT WORKED

NESTOR, THE LONG-EARED CHRISTMAS DONKEY
Original Air Date: December 3, 1977

Then one day pre-Christmas, Yahweh came to say / “Nestor with your ears so long, won’t you guide my unborn son along!”

BACKSTORY:

In the early 1960s, Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass formed a company originally known as Videocraft International. The Toronto-based studio began by focusing on a process then called “Animagic,” a stop-motion procedure usually farmed overseas to largely uncredited Japanese animators (who would later make a mass exodus to Studio Ghibli, of Spirited Away and Ponyo fame).

The Videocraft logo as it appears in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and the Rankin/Bass logo that preceded Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey

Videocraft’s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was an enormous smash right out of the gate, and the company followed suit with several other long-running Christmas specials including Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town and Frosty the Snowman.

You know these guys

While the studio dabbled in specials – and even feature films – with non-Christmas themes, it became fairly clear by the mid-’70s that Holiday specials were going to be its bread and butter. So what’s a studio to do when it runs out of Christmas tunes and legends to turn into animated specials? Well, after spinning off Rudolph and Frosty sequels, they made up a tale of their own.

BREAKDOWN:
Man, I loved this special back in the day, but Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey is fucking frightening! I mean, I’m pretty hard-pressed to come down on Rankin-Bass for almost any reason…but Jesus Christ, you guys?!

Shots in this sequence were reused from Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town

I’m well aware the duo probably didn’t have all that many Christmas jingles to retrofit into an “X the Xmas Y” formula, but did they really have to concoct a tale so unrelentingly cruel and wrought with tragedy that it’s… well, actually pretty befitting of its biblical setting, come to think of it.

Sty, Sweet Sty

Seriously, all the crap Disney takes for its past comedic depictions of animal cruelty and murdering the parents of its heroes in plain sight can’t hold a Menorah candle to the bloodcurdling heartbreak Nestor has in store in just twenty-four minutes.

AHAHAHAHAH, FREAK!

I mention this not as a criticism, but as almost a warning to others who care to watch it.  I was completely convinced that I was settling in for nothing more than a lighthearted Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer rip-off.

“Yeah, I’m standin’ on your ear. Do somethin’ about it!”

Nestor starts off with yet another celebrity introducing our titular hero in song.

Roger Miller, serenading you into depression

Roger Miller, the singer songwriter behind twangy country hits like “King of the Road,” voices Speiltoe, and he does a helluva a good job convincing the audience they’re not about to see things that will be burned into whatever portion of your brain gets referenced every time your body decides it’s time for a nightmare.

Livin’ like an ass ain’t easy

Nestor is mocked mercilessly for his obvious condition, but since we’ve all been conditioned to anticipate that his deformity will save the day a mere twenty minutes from now, you’ll probably assume you can roll with his punches.

Ker-THUD

Thing is, the woodland creatures’ jabs are far more unrelenting than those in Rudolph. Plus, without a Clarice or Hermey to alleviate Nestor’s pain, his torment is absolutely heartbreaking to watch.

Dicks

And not just because you’ll see the first of many shots of Nestor crying his eyes out.

Nestor is trying to break your heart

The song, “Don’t Laugh and Make Somebody Cry,” digs deep into how much it sucks to be Nestor, and it’s accompanied with elongated montages of animals laughing loudly and being unbelievably cruel to the poor jackass.

Humans aren’t any nicer

His mother is his only sanctuary. Even Olaf the stable-hand refuses to feed Nestor on account of his ear-induced uselessness, and the poor kid would go hungry if it weren’t for his mammy.

A rare smile

Yet even after all that heartbreak and peer rejection, what depressed me even more was that the special makes a point of saying that the only time anybody was nice to Nestor was around the Winter Solstice.

As if his life before this moment never even happened

This hit me in a strange way, as it reminded me of instances in grade school where I can recall everyone being nice to a kid around Christmas or his birthday, only to treat him like a shit-based swastika the other 364 days of the year. It brought back this strange sense of pain and pity at the idea that a rotten lot in life has nothing to do with your behavior, just…. Depressing!

Roman Holiday

And in come the Romans! Ever the harbingers of bad news in biblical times, a soldier arrives to buy livestock for the Emperor’s service. Of course he ends up simply stealing them, but not before interrupting Nestor’s single day of sanctity by once again pointing out that his ears are, in fact, larger than regular-sized ears.

Abuse!

This is the last straw for Olaf, familiarly voiced by Paul Frees, who chucks Nestor out on his, erm, ass to die in the snow.

Perk to having long ears #1

Fortunately, his mother comes to his rescue, offering calm and warmth throughout that furiously cold winter night.

Ahhhh, everything’s cool now, right?

“As savagery often does, it left beauty in its wake,” says Speiltoe cheerfully, as if we’re about to catch up with Nestor and his mother cooking three-egg omelets over a cracklin’ morning fire…

Nope

Yeah…your Mom’s dead, dude.

RIP MOM

And it’s pretty much your fault. I don’t know why, but I didn’t remember this. Bear in mind I’m the closest thing to a “Professional Christmas Special Commentator” the internet’s got going… But I was so goddamned gutwrenchingly depressed by Nestor at this point, I damn near turned it off. An industry first!

Goddammit… SAD!

Nestor wanders the forest looking for a reason to live, only to find snow and more snow and ears that continue to trip him up every third step. Fortuntely, an angelic creature appears out of the blue to give him a mission.

GAH!

Did you know that whereas angels guide humans, cherubs guide animals? Me neither! But truly I appreciate the heavenly Tilly for finally making the distinction. And in another Christmas miracle, Tilly also ties back into yesterday’s special, as she’s voiced by Brenda Vaccaro, the voice behind Johnny Bravo’s mom!

Greener pastures

She playfully tugs Nestor’s ears as they sing-songedly make their way to Bethlehem, where some sort of surprise awaits him. This scene brought me right back into whimsy, as it’s a warm – and snowless – montage of Nestor acting happily for the first time since the special began.

Bears are jerks too

Sorry, I just gotta show you some more, because Lord knows I need the pick-me-up at this point in the special.

Astounding stop-motion work here

Big Ear perk #2!

Once in Bethlehem, Tilly books it back to heaven and Nestor wanders aimlessly, once again subjected to the mockery of his peers. Somehow he ends up on the auction block, where he continues to be undesired thanks to his unsightly ears.

You might recognize the camels from The Little Drummer Boy

That is until one day a poor carpenter shows up looking for something his pregnant wife can ride on – Shhhhh, don’t ruin it for everybody yet!

“Do you accept prayer?”

Some broke ass-couple going under the names of Joseph and Mary need a lift, and they’re not picky about the paint job.

Ridin’ out

Unfortunately, the trio gets caught in a sandstorm, and the narrator tells us that Nestor considers dumping the fat lady and heading into shelter. But then: a guiding light…

Screw the humans

“SIMBA…”

Both Tilly and Nestor’s mother appear to him, telling him to listen. Galdurnnit, big ears probably mean big listentin’!

I suppose you could call it a manger

Nestor guides the couple through the storm and into the city. With all the hotels full, he figures a stable is as good a place as any – why, they’ll be as happy and warm as he used to be, nestled next to his mother in the hay,

Home at last!

Nestor gets them where they need to go, but doesn’t even stick around. Three wise looking men show up, but all they want to do is adulate this new born baby instead of the little burro who rose above the odds and boldly got the couple to safety.

“Oh wait, I hate you guys!”

Having turned his perceived weakness into a fucking superpower, Nestor heads home with his head held high, right back into the welcoming arms of… his tormenters. Huh, I guess word gets around

Nestor is commemorated with his own piece in the Nativity scene

Big time… almost.

This is all you ever see of Jesus H. What a tease!

The Baby Jesus is never actually seen, but with the angels, shinging stars, and alleged virgin cargo, his presence is heavily implied.

He’s here, but you gotta remember, the events of this story predate Kringle by several hundred years

I’m still pretty baffled as to why Rudolph- I mean Nestor, headed back to the place where people hated him. That logic aside, it still makes for a pretty happy ending, especially once you consider it comes after what could be the most morose first act of any Christmas special in the history of both Christmas and television. That said, the songs are enjoyable, and even though the mouths of damn near everybody appear a little more low-rent than usual, you can certainly see the evolution in Rankin/Bass’ craft. They appear to have mastered the art of suspending objects in air, making for numerous feats of stop-motion awe, and the camera swoops and pans in ways I’d have to imagine blew pre-Matrix audiences away. It can be a bit depressing, but Nestor, the Long-Eared Donkey is the furthest thing from a waste of your time in December.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Shop Amazon through us – it helps!)

Nestor, the Long-Eared Donkey appears on a no-frills disc from the Warner Archives bundled with The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus. It also shows up alongside other bonus specials on discs that have fallen out-of-print, however, I suggest you move your butt and buy the miraculously still available Classic Christmas Favorites set. It contains TEN specials, including How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town, Frosty the Snowman, and a bunch of others well worth owning. You could try your luck with the out-of-print discs, but hey, I already gave you my two cents.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
A JOHNNY BRAVO CHRISTMAS

2009′s Dec. 13th Christmas Special
INVADER ZIM: THE MOST HORRIBLE XMAS EVER

TALESPIN – A JOLLY MOLLY CHRISTMAS
Original Air Date: December 7, 1990

Baloo, Louie and the gang battle pirates and a fiercely tropical climate to realize Molly and Rebbecca’s dreams of Christmas snow

BACKSTORY:

Following the television cartoon boom of the eighties, Disney felt it high time to entire into the medium. And following the success of Gummi Bears, DuckTales, and Chip n’ Dale’s Rescue Rangers, the beloved characters of The Jungle Book made their way onto the “Disney Afternoon” in the form of Disney’s TaleSpin.

Rudyard Kipling’s jazzy characters from 1990 to 1967

The television investment – featuring higher-quality budgets and animations, paid off for Disney in a big way – both in revitalizing older characters and in transitioning its “smaller” adventures found in Disney Comics into a burgeoning medium.

After school as known by my generation

TaleSpin premiered in 1990 after Disney proved it could successfully provide affiliate stations with a two block of animation under the branding of “The Disney Afternoon,” and the show would go on to win an Emmy for Outstanding Animated Program.

BREAKDOWN:

So unbelievably glad I could finally grab something from the Disney Afternoon stable to write about on A Cartoon Christmas! Compared to the rather cheap, motionless cartoons airing daily on television, Disney took the format to new heights, featuring relatively fluid animation and it seemed Disney comic line had left the writers well trained in presenting plots that weren’t completely asinine.

Rebbecca dreams of a white Christmas

As much as I’d hoped for something from the earlier Disney Afternoon block – prefereably DuckTales or Chip n’ Dale’s Rescue Rangers – TaleSpin is the first evidence I found of a syndicated Disney Christmas. Not that that’s a bad thing – I love TaleSpin! Come to think, how could you not? Listen to that theme song!

Once I even got a TaleSpin Happy Meal Toy, fashioned it into a Christmas ornament, and despite some protest, my Mom still sticks that fucker on the tree each and every year.

Oh, the rain outside if frightful

Personal anecdotes aside, this episode is actually a pretty damned sturdy Christmas special in and of itself. Regardless of what you may think of the story, or the warping of Baloo and the rest of The Jungle Book crew into cargo entrepreneurs, this is a warm and subdued Holiday special, featuring a fully orchestrated score throughout.

Wildcat, as dumb as the show gets

The episode kicks off with a melancholy narration from Rebbecca (voiced Sally Struthers, a lady who knows a thing or two about tugging on heart strings) yearning for snow this Christmas. Turns out the tropical shipping port Cape Suzette doesn’t get much powder around this time of year.

Kit Cloudkicker barely gets a line this episode

Little Molly breaks a Candy Cane, but before she can burst into tears over Baloo tells here to stick a peppermint shard under her pillow, and the Candy Cane Fairy…

Of course he forgets

Baloo’s absentmindedness leaves Molly’s faith shaken; if she can’t depend on the Candy Cane Fairy to deliver a nickel’s worth of sugar, how the hell is she supposed to believe in Santa Claus?

“I suppose this is bullshit too?!”

Baloo jumps into damage control and phones up an old friend. He decides to forgo his shipment of Soap powder to enact one of the greatest Holiday fabrications ever concocted in the history of alternate Disney histories!

Why would anyone question it?

Baloo promises to take Molly to see Santa personally, and following a quick retrofitting of Louie’s Place, Molly’s off to see the “North Pole” before Rebbecca can return from her last minute Christmas shopping.

Honestly, we didn’t just fly next door

Molly walks into the TaleSpin’s familiar watering hole, but something’s a little different…

This shit is bananas

Looks as if Santa’s workshop has outsourced its toy cobbling to an un-unionized group of primates lead by none other than…

Looks oddly like the alien from American Dad

Oh yes, King Louie! Fresh from moonlighting as a bar owner, the proud King of Swing now dons the suit and beard of Santa Claus.

This… could get groovy

Louie attempts to shower Molly with every tropically-themed toy he and his band of orangutans could put together, but it looks as if she’s only got one Christmas wish in mind.

Through all the theatrics, Louie forgets to read Molly’s letter

More than anything else this December 25th, Molly desperately wants to give her mom the gift of snow she sought after in the opening. Well, it looks like Baloo and Kit Cloudkicker are gonna have to step this ruse up a notch.

Must a Pirate’s Life condemn us to a lifetime of Hanukkah?!

Meanwhile, Don Karnage’s motley gang of imbecilic pirates are also morosely demanding a Christmas of their own. Karnage, hypothesizes that as pirates, their job is to be bad, which means by duty they’ve been good… so yeah, they’re deserving of a little Christmas cheer, too.

Rain means you don’t have to do your job

Back in Cape Suzette, Rebbecca gets wise to Baloo’s plan, but how can she not fulfill the wish of her daughter when all she desires is to make her Mom happy? So devoted to realizing Molly’s Holiday whim, she’s willing to not only forget about Baloo’s late shipment of powdered soap, she’s willing to dump it across the bay in a faux snowy gesture. That’s commitment to your child!

Starting to like them better than elves, actually

On the flipside of things, Louie’s Place patrons are getting tired of waiting outside as the monkey cohorts do their best to uphold the Yuletide lie. These animated alcoholics are so desperate to get their fix, they’re willing to bust down the door of the very place the claim to love.

Give us our booze, dammit!

Obviously, the snow flake crew has to make haste, but unfortunately, they run afoul of Don Karnage and his quest for Merry Holiday mirth.

Guns? In a Disney cartoon?!

Oh hell yeah! PEW-PEW-PEW

Not sure what’s worse, dumping a bunch of soap into the majestic ocean, or throwing it out the back of the plane to drive people to a sudsy, watery death. Either way, the gang does both!

WHOOSH

Although Rebecca, Baloo and Kit make it out safe…

Suck bubble, Karnage!

They’re plum outta soap (snow), and the restless bar patrons break in and obliterate the North Pole facade, causing Molly to get upset and runs away.

Bear emotions!

She tosses her letter to Santa, containing the wish for her mother, into the wind.

“Now I’m littering too! Whatcha think of that Santa?”

As the whole gang comes out to look for Molly…

Sorry, I just love how well drawn the backgrounds are in this sequence

And they find here staring up into the sky…

Gorgeous

The audience doesn’t get to see what Molly saw, but it isn’t important. She made her Christmas connection and that sure as shit was good enough for me. And wouldn’t you know it, something starts to happen…

Through whatever mechanism you care to acknowledge, Cape Suzette sees its first snow, and I think an entire weather front that defies all meteorological tradition is pretty fucking special.

No songs, and no fourth wall-breaking “Merry Christmas, everyone.” Just the gang silently celebrating a Christmas miracle.

The Bible says nothing of talking, package delivering mammals. (Obviously, that would take more than six days.) Conversely, the TaleSpin Christmas special makes no mention of our lord and savior.

Physically, there’s zero Kringle, however I think his presence is all over this special, in addition to having his existence subtly validated at the end.

I think Louis makes a fine Santa, plus I would’ve killed for this level of TaleSpin merch

Given that I only watched this episode of TaleSpin, I can’t speak on as to how the rest of this series holds up. But that’s not really what we do here anyway, and I have to say I was pretty floored with the quality of music, animation, and writing that went into “A Jolly Molly Christmas.” It’s a more subdued episode, both in terms of Christmas and the TaleSpin series, but at least it avoids the hamfisted idiocy and comes off as extremely warm and personal. If you have any fond memories of the show, I can happily encourage you to give this a spin around the Holidays.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Shop Amazon through us – it helps!)

The complete run of TaleSpin is available in two DVD volumes, with “A Jolly Molly Christmas” featured on Volume 2. Unfortunately, The Jungle Book has gone back into the Disney Vault, undoubtedly awaiting a soon to be announced Blu-ray release. However, it can still be purchased new and used through Amazon Marketplace.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS

2009′s Dec. 7th Christmas Special
IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME AGAIN, CHARLIE BROWN

The Original Christmas Classics Set contains: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town, Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol, Frosty the Snowman, Frosty Returns, The Little Drummer Boy, Cricket on the Heart, and a CD of classic Christmas music!

Wash away those Black Friday blues with some of the greatest Christmas specials known to man! I don’t care how bad your shopping experience was, and it doesn’t matter one bit how critically you got trampled by roving packs of soccer Moms – winning one of these sets couldn’t be easier.

We’ve got three sets to give away and we’re gonna toss out ONE HERE, and TWO ON TWITTER. Want to win one right here? Just leave a comment below saying so. Yep, that’s it! We’ll pick a winner at random. To win one on Twitter? Do this:

#acartoonchristmas

Simply use that tag and tweet your favorite Christmas special from the one’s we’ve covered so far (that side bar on the left, you’ve got 24 specials to choose from) with a link to the article. So sorta like this:

We’ll pick THREE random winners Wednesday night, December 1st – the day A Cartoon Christmas’s festivities begin! – and mail your DVDs to you ASAP, so you can watch ‘em well before Christmas Day. North American residents only.

(FYI: I’m just a regular dude with a blog, not a marketer or a spammer. I’ll probably lose your address immediately after shipping and I certainly won’t give your information to anyone or anything. Trust me, and hey, follow me on Twitter.)

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Shop Amazon through us – it helps!)

Of all the specials we covered last year (see sidebar on the left), these have the distinct honor of being our favorites.

5. The Bells of Fraggle Rock

I’m a sucker for the almost all the output from Jim Henson’s stable of kind-souled bleeding hearts, but the Fraggles’ special should air every Holiday season in every household around the world. Sure, it’s a timeless tale of Gobo’s personal redemption, as well as the importance of friends and family. However, it’s also a gentle lesson on religious tolerance and importance of all cultural traditions. And the Fraggles pull it off without even mentioning the word “Christmas” once!

4. The Snowman

Truly a Christmas special like no other! Not a word is spoken throughout almost the entirety of the special, and instead the tale unfolds via enchanting interactions between a boy and his snowman come to life and hauntingly unforgettable music. Whereas many older animated shows retain the static look of cartoons pulled off on a television budget, The Snowman whips and pans along with a restrained, expertly shaded elegance giving it a wonderfully unique feel that falls somewhere in between the CGI of today and the 2D drawings of yesteryear.

3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Being the world’s oldest Christmas specials currently running annually, I figured the Rankin-Bass classic would’ve showed its age more. Nay! Watching it today holds up every bit as well as I’d imagine it did for those old enough to remember the first airing back in 1964 when it was sponsored by General Electric. I wouldn’t even simply attribute its longevity to the timelessness of the subject matter, nor the Burt Ives songs we all know by heart. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is still a thrilling, extremely well-paced adventure starring fully-fleshed out characters and animated with some of the most colorful, stop-motion ambition the world has ever seen. Rudolph defied even my most nostalgic of expectations, and I can honestly say its worthy of its legacy with relative objectivity.

2. The Christmas Toy

I’d watched this a billion times as a kid, but I had no idea it’d hold up as well as it did. As are so many Jim Henson joints of the 1980s, The Christmas Toy is equal parts uplifting and terrifying, deftly pulling off comedy and tragedy at the same time. I suppose one of my favorite tropes, regardless of Christmas, is the premise of “toys come to life” and in the article I discuss how it’s story and characters run parallel to a certain other, ahem… “toy story” we’re all a bit more familiar with today. If you haven’t seen it, I strongly encourage you pick it up bundled with another timeless Muppet classic we’ll be covering this year: Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas.

1. Pluto’s Christmas Tree

Don’t care who you are… If you have eyes, a brain, and an age of over 10, you’ll recognize this Disney short immediately. You probably don’t remember where you first came upon it – hell, I can’t remember where I first saw it (although, an upcoming article could offer a clue…) – but you’re no doubt familiar with the breezy shenanigans of what happens when Pluto tries to protect Mickey’s Christmas tree from a duo of displaced chipmunks. There’s not a single frame within this seven minute cartoon that doesn’t bring me right back to the Holiday sights, sounds, and smells of the family living room of my youth, so obviously, my love runs strong with this one. Please understand how difficult this was to choose over Toy Tinkers!

FRAGGLE ROCK: THE BELLS OF FRAGGLE ROCK
Original Air Date: December 24, 1984

SYNOPSIS:
Gobo is having trouble believing in the Fraggles’ Holiday traditions. Is he willing to risk their lives for his curiosity?

BACKSTORY:
Fraggle Rock premiered on January 10, 1983, as a joint venture among many channels and many nations. Following the worldwide success of Jim Henson’s Sesame Street, but also the difficulty translating the show to all the nationalities who wanted a piece, Fraggle Rock was designed to be a show easily understandable to all audiences.

The Fraggles dealt with universal themes like fear, jealously, sharing, and other issues easily relatable to viewers regardless of language or cultural background. So while US audiences tuning in on HBO saw sequences starring Doc, Sprocket and Uncle Traveling Matt, these brief scenes were re-shot to be made specific to the country it was airing in.

Fraggle Rock aired for only five seasons, yet has shown remarkable longevity on cable and abroad. Though the Henson Company has sold the rights to both The Muppets and Sesame Street, it retains ownership of The Fraggles, and is even readying a movie for them in 2010.

BREAKDOWN:
Oh, how I love Fraggle Rock! Each of the five characters is instantly lovable, and relatable to any human with a brain capable of watching. I was too poor to have watched these episodes when they originally aired in the states on HBO, yet I wasn’t ready to fully appreciate it during the subsequent airing on TNT I was eventually exposed to.

Wembley is very committed to that tropical shirt

My preteen brain was unable to grasp how well written the show and its above-and-beyond music were, and only as an adult can I truly exalt the wonderful way in which the marvelous universe of Fraggles, Dozers, and Gorgs presented some incredibly deep and heartfelt lessons.

Doc explains to Sprocket the various cultural traditions people celebrate during the Winter Solstice

I dare say I could’ve used a viewing of The Bells of Fraggle Rock as a teenager, when I was so fucking busy screaming about the stupidity of religion and the inherent benefits of atheism. Seriously, this is a Christmas episode with a message so powerfully unique that I’m embarrassed about the way I conducted myself into near-adulthood.

FYI, The Fraggles never even mention Christmas

In this episode, Gobo, the adventurous young explorer, is beginning to question the cultural traditions of his fellow Fraggles. Every year, the Fraggles celebrate The Festival of the Rock. They dress up, sing songs and ring bells in order to trigger the chiming of the Great Bell and keep The Rock (their home, not the wrestler) from stopping at the apex of its orbit and making life uninhabitably cold.

Not feeling the group costume

Problem is, Gobo is finding it increasingly difficult to slap on a smile and perform the rituals his people have been merrily but blindly conducting for years in the name of fun and survival.

If a sad sack like Boober can get behind the Holiday, surely Gobo can?!

What is it all for, and how is anything they do making a bit of difference in the scheme of things? All of Wembley’s, Mokey’s, Boober’s, and Red’s promises of fun and costumes are doing little to persuade him to leave it be and just enjoy himself.

Bah Humbug

Even the phenomenal song “There’s a Promise” (which I’m convinced should be allowed into our pantheon of Holiday music, if only for being absolutely beautiful and nondenominational!), lead by spiritual guru Cantus (who just so happens to be voiced by Jim Henson himself), does little to dissuade him.

Note the one guy not singing

It seems Gobo will only be satisfied with a literal interpretation of the Fraggles’ holiday.

Gobo finds a map in a box marked “Really Old Stuff”

He must see the mythical Great Bell in the center of the rock for himself, or bring back word to the others that it was all a sham.

Cantus maintains he does not sound like Rowlf the Dog

Cantus counsels Gobo that he need not go on such a dangerous journey, since the answer he’s really looking for is much closer. But Gobo makes a huge scene and embarks on the mission anyway.

Oh, and meanwhile Matt expounds on the strangeness of “Silly Creature” culture

Cantus quietly accompanies Gobo at a distance, and allows him to see whatever it is he needs to see.

I don’t want to ruin it

Through a series of literal, as well as spiritual, interpretations, Gobo eventually does find the answer, even though it wasn’t necessarily the one he was looking for.

Meanwhile, the gang freezes their asses off waiting for Gobo to return

But once he narrowly makes it back to Fraggle Rock, he finds that all of his friends have frozen. Whether this was due to the absence of Cantus or the lack of the ceremony is unimportant. The Festival of the Bells has not taken place, and Gobo has interfered with the natural order of things set in place by people far older and wiser than himself.

The horror!

Personally, I don’t see it as a message of conformity, but rather one of cultural acceptance. The Fraggles’ traditions are equal parts biological and religious; a fun way of acknowledging a balance within their universe.

Lesson hopefully learned

After unfreezing his friends, Gobo realizes that cultural traditions can have more importance than their face value. At no time is he asked not to question these beliefs, but he definitely learns that satisfying his own curiosity shouldn’t have to come at the expense of the beliefs and behavior enjoyed by others.

Gobo joins in the reprise of this fantastic song

I’m not a religious guy by any means, but it’s hard to interpret this any other way. Though neither Jesus nor Christianity are ever mentioned specifically, there’s a profound message of cultural acceptance here and I believe faith is a big part of that.

The only Santa to be seen is the small toy that Sprocket plays with.

I genuinely feel that there’s an unbelievably beautiful moral to The Bells of Fraggle Rock, one that encompasses all cultural holidays and truly embodies the spirit of the Christmas season better than just about any special I’ve ever seen. Doc does a good job of explaining to Sprocket why people celebrate winter holidays, and Traveling Matt’s outsider perspective on the Human’s Christmas really helps drive the point home. No Shit: If there’s one Christmas special on this entire stupid blog I believe every parent should show their kids, it’s this one.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the Site!)

The Bells of Fraggle Rock appears on the one-disc Merry Fraggle Holiday, as well as on the boxed set, Fraggle Rock: The Complete Third Season. Of course, it’s also contained in Fraggle Rock: The Complete Series Collection, but that should go without saying. I wholeheartedly recommend picking up any of these wonderful sets.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
INVADER ZIM: THE MOST HORRIBLE X-MAS EVER

THE SUPER MARIO BROS. SUPER SHOW: KOOPA KLAUS
Original Air Date: October 23, 1989

SYNOPSIS:
King Koopa hatches a plot to ruin Christmas and it’s up to Mario and his trusty whip to save the holidays?

BACKSTORY:
Mario, or “Jumpman,” as he was then known, made his 1981 debut in arcades as the playable hero in Nintendo’s Donkey Kong. He was later spun off into the game Super Mario Bros., which, as of 2008, was the highest selling videogame of all time.

The Super Mario Bros. Super Show premiered in US syndication shortly after the release of Super Mario Bros. 2 in 1989. The show featured live-action sequences with wrestler Captain Lou Albano and Danny Wells taking up the roles of Mario and Luigi.  Albano and Wells were also the ones who voiced the characters in the cartoon Monday through Thursday (Fridays featured heavily promoted Legend of Zelda cartoons).

The show was later given a more edgy, early 90’s ‘tude and billed as Club Mario. The cartoons remained the same, but Albano and Wells were replaced with two twenty-something, Generation V “Dudes” more prone to ripped jeans and sunglasses.

BREAKDOWN:
I love games. I work in games. I love Mario. I’ve played every game in the main series to 100% completion. The Koopa Klaus episode of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show is, without a doubt, the worst Christmas special I’ve ever seen.

The Premise: This bathtub drain sends The Bros. to an alternate dimension

Shouldn’t be a surprise, since I was such a Nintendo nerd at the time, but I watched every insipid episode of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show. And even then – when I couldn’t have been a less discerning little target demographic – something felt a little off.

The show takes a lot of crap for its live-action segments. Now they’re certainly cheesy and a little bad, yet it’s somewhat forgivable given the era, resources and source material. “Those are adults in overalls colored the way they should not be, LOL!” remembers a quick-to-judge internet. To which I must now reply: When was the last time you watched the cartoon?

The ever popular Flurry from SMB2

How atrocious is the Mario Christmas cartoon? Well, as you may’ve seen above, Koopa Klaus aired in fucking October. Which is especially odd because, one, animation takes longer to produce, and two, the live-action Christmas segments aired over a month later in a separate episode.

Not this episode

Santa Comes to Flatbush saw Mario and Luigi taking in a familiar looking punch-drunk bearded figure and sharing with him what little food and presents they had on Christmas, and it could only be considered better by comparison to the other episodes.

An overwhelming majority of the episode

But even that episode sought to distance itself from Koopa Klaus, which aired with a live segment centered on Mario and Luigi talking a young boy out of running away from home.

Moving Santa to another castle

Koopa Klaus kicks off with very little setup, jumping straight to King Koopa (never referred to as “Bowser” at any point in the series) ordering the destruction of Christmas toys. Because he hates Christmas, you see…

Bah Hum-Koop: Not my caption, but an actual line of dialogue King Koopa reiterates nearly a dozen times

Do not attempt to read anything into Koopa’s being dressed like Santa Claus: he regularly donned various outfits purely to avoid any kind of written setup (you know, so we could get the characters right into running across a looped background yelling “Yaaaah!” for 10 straight minutes.)

A machine that destroys toys!

He’s not trying to impersonate Santa, no no. Koopa’s master plan to ruin Christmas? To freeze the North Pole… a plot so asinine, I’m still too angry to go for the obvious joke.

So where do our heroes come in? This is an alternate dimension after all, so even on the miraculous chance that Christmas exists in a land of talking turtles and sentient bombs, how do you get Mario and Co. up to the North Pole?

This explains why Mario is in that stupid-ass getup the entire episode

Mario, Luigi, ,and Princess Toadstool – well, they tunnel there…and make a wrong turn while heading for Hawaii, only to end up exactly where the title needed them to be. Yes, like Bugs Bunny. Derivative?  For sure, but it’s also the only  indication that someone working on this project has ever seen a cartoon before. Up until this point, I was convinced the show was written by the studio audience of Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Ohhhhh Christmas

Evidently, this is Toad’s fault, and I don’t want to harp on just how grating and annoying his character is, but if you can imagine the worst impression of Edith Bunker EVER, done by a baby… then you’re getting warm.

Selfish twat

Toad refuses to shut the fuck up about all the Christmas gifts he’s owed, so the Princess gives him a present early. It’s a Snowboard!

This scene made me wish I was dead

And he then proceeds to accelerate around on his snowboard over flat land for what feels like 5 minutes, because I’m guessing there were more animation cells to burn than words on the page.

“It’s a bird!” “It’s a plane!” Bleh

But what’s that? King Koopa flies over head with a bound and gagged Santa.

Almost animated

I’d say the gang acts fast and flings a chunk of ice using a seesaw… But in fact Mario and Luigi engage in unfunny banter for so fucking long you’d think even a guided missile couldn’t hit Koopa’s trajectory by the time they’re done.

Precursor to the Mario & Luigi series?

Still, they knock Koopa out of the sky, and he and Santa float to the ground using his toy sack as a parachute.

A shitload of boring chase sequences ensue, but you’ll have to forgive me if I skip straight to the highlight.

And not a lot else

As I’m trying to grab screens of all this, I notice… Mario never appears in a single frame with King Koopa. It occurred to me that Mario doesn’t really have much of a “weapon” in this stage of the life – fireballs, vegetables and feet do not make for an kid-friendly cartoon arsenal. Luckily, the animators took it upon themselves to remedy this: Meet Mario’s trusty whip!

Mario fans: Please take a moment to soak in every ounce of stupidity

Oh, (literal) SNAP! Keeping with their refusal to let Mario and Koopa to ever make contact, the titular plumber snags Santa just as Koopa is brought down by an avalanche created by his own shouting of “Bah, Hum-Koop!”

Evil punished

Hooray! Christmas is saved! Or is it?

Science

Through methods never shown, disclosed, or even scientifically possible, Koopa has frozen the Arctic! Santa, a North Pole native, cancels Christmas on account of ice.  Obviously.

“My precious ice is frozen”

Toad, who’s spent nearly the duration of the special screaming greedily about capitalist materialism, begs Santa not to cry.

God dammit…

And then Santa declares Toad the living embodiment of the “True Meaning of Christmas©” and they awkwardly embrace until, literally…

The new stupidest thing I’ve ever seen

Their love melts the ice away and Christmas is saved. The lesson learned? Wintry conditions can be overturned by hugging a moron.  Go forth and embrace, Canadians.

Exactly…

As a reward for their resilience, Santa lets the gang ride in his sleigh. And in a continuing effort to top it’s own stupidity, the cartoon closes with Santa somehow delivering the following line with a straight face.

“Mario Christmas to all!”

And that’s just the ending of the cartoon! You now owe it to me to buy every Amazon product linked to on this page for not focusing on the live-action portion of the episode, complete with its flashback to a mustachioed Captain Lou Albano in shorts.

GAAAAAAAH

The existence of this cartoon runs counter to that of a loving God.

As much as it pains me to award Koopa Klaus anything, Santa is present here, albeit as a helpless crybaby moron.

Koopa Klaus is just gross. It wallows in the very depths of poorly animated stupidity, and drags two of the most beloved characters in the history of everything, Santa and Mario, along for the ride. Oh, yeah… CLICK BELOW TO BUY!

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the Site!)

The Super Mario Bros. Super Show is available on DVD in two volumes, with both Koopa Klaus and Santa Come to Flatbush appearing on the second. I can not in good conscience recommend you buy either, but luckily Mario also appears in several of the greatest games the medium has ever seen. Super Mario Galaxy is simultaneously familiar and unlike anything you’ve ever played – without a doubt the, greatest game available on the Nintendo Wii. Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story is a phenomenally quirky action RPG that finds the famous plumbers battling enemies inside Bowser’s body! It’s also one of the funniest things I’ve ever played, and easily the best Nintendo DS game of 2009, just behind Retro Game Challenge.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
ROBBIE THE REINDEER IN HOOVES OF FIRE

ROBBIE THE REINDEER in HOOVES OF FIRE
Original air date: December 25, 1999

SYNOPSIS:
Rudolph’s well-intentioned but ill-applied offspring heads to the North Pole to fulfill his destiny as Santa’s chief navigator, only to find that he’s up against both a territorial Blitzen and the march of technology.  Will he step up his party-boy game in time, or have to return home a Prodigal Son?

BACKSTORY:
Robbie the Reindeer in Hooves of Fire premiered Christmas Day 1999 on the BBC.  The special was presented to benefit the charity organization Comic Relief, and it went on to win a prestigious BAFTA award in 2000, beating out such steep competition as Robot Wars and So Graham Norton.

Despite huge popularity in the U.K., it received a lukewarm reception in the U.S., where it was initially picked up by Fox Family and later sold to CBS.  Attributing its lack of appeal to the thick and varied British accents (and, let’s be honest, looking to score some star appeal), CBS re-dubbed it for American audiences in 2002, enlisting the voices of such Hollywood illuminati as Ben Stiller, Brad Garrett, Hugh Grant, and the famous voice actor Britney Spears.  Stripping the original characters of both their charm and comic timing, though, the U.S. version’s main value has proven to be as the clearest recorded example of voice-over work done through a mouthful of Cheetos.

The voice of Robbie the Reindeer: Father Ted’s Ardal O’Hanlon in the U.K., Ben Stiller in the U.S.

Robbie is the son of Rudolph, although that famous reindeer is never mentioned specifically by name. This allowed the production to play loose with the lore set in place by the 1964 Rudolph Christmas special. According to that legend, Donner should be Robbie’s grandfather, but instead she’s Robbie’s female teammate and eventual love interest.  Try not to think about it too much.

Grandpa?!?!

Although Hooves of Fire wasn’t technically made by Aardman Animations (the studio most famous for the Wallace and Gromit series), many Aardman staff – including director Richard Goleszowski – worked on the production, and their influence is readily apparent in its characteristic style.  Fans of the aforementioned limey and his inimitable pooch will find plenty to love in Robbie’s similarly detailed animation, vivid expressions, and twisted British sense of humor.

Two more Robbie specials were later created: Legend of The Lost Tribe in 2002 and Close Encounters of the Herd Kind in 2007.  And having never seen either of them, that’s all I have to say about that.

BREAKDOWN:
Our story begins with Robbie’s arrival in Coldchester, North Pole – home of none other than jolly old St. Nick.  Robbie is the son of a famous reindeer whose name we never quite learn (for copyright reasons, rumor has it – because asset protection is to Christmas as gluttony is to Thanksgiving), but if I had to guess, I’d wager that he probably had a very shiny nose.

I have no idea what this sign says, but I bet it’s full of dry British humour

Robbie’s immediately greeted by his new housemates and fellow sleigh-pullers: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome frat-boy Prancer; sulking sexpot Vixen; bubbly welcome wagon Donner; and malevolent alpha male Blitzen.  Blitzen can’t wait to welcome the famous Robbie to the gang, but something about his Jeremy Irons-esque drawl (as voiced by Steve Coogan) seems to presage evil.

Check out special-needs Beaker on the right there...

Apparently the product of some sort of genetic lottery gone awry, Robbie’s got a schnozz that’s part GPS and part seeing-eye dog, with a dash of ESP thrown in for good measure. And, like most celebrity offspring, he’s also overweight, lazy, entitled, and all too quick to embarrass himself on film.

What not to wear

Still, his heart’s in the right place – poor Robbie just wants to take his rightful place as the head of Santa’s sleigh team (and if he gets to bone Vixen in the meantime, well, so be it).  And with that Google-maps beak of his, he knows he’s got this one in the bag…

This hunk of red clay is smarter than Miss South Carolina.

Or does he?  In the absence of he-who-shall-not-be-named, Blitzen has been playing leader of the pack, and he’s not about to give up his throne without a fight.  Especially not to the son of some stinking red-nose who stole his thunder all those years ago.

Despite appearances, there is not actually a break-dancing sequence in this special.  Sorry, kids.

Robbie’s none too keen on the 364-day training regimen portion of the program as it is, so a scheming Blitzen pounces on his opportunity to encourage him to eat and sleep his way off the team.

Uh, Robbie? You’re doing it wrong.

But wait – who said anything about anyone leaving the team?…

Oh yeah – this guy.

The reindeer soon learn that a mid-life-crisis Santa’s gone and gotten himself a souped-up new ride, complete with a navigation system so advanced even Mrs. Claus could drive this thing.  And that means he’ll be needing one less steed to pull him to adulation, so it’s auf wiedersehen to the reindeer who is most unfit (criteria courtesy of local helping-hand Blitzen).

If you thought Santa’s calves were scary, wait ’til you meet this wigger

It’s a rude awakening for Robbie, who realizes he’s traded his legacy for a quarter-pounder.  So he does what any troubled celebu-spawn would: runs away from home and slums it with a blue-collar job in the local toy factory.

Octomonkey!

As the product of a life of luxury, though, Robbie is woefully unprepared for even the most banal factory work, and he undergoes a series of demotions that culminate in the humiliation of being used as a human (ah, reindeer) forklift.

And you thought antlers were just for giving your decor that special “Palin” vibe

Fortunately, Donner spots our familiar forklift one day during a factory visit, and she’s got good news for Robbie – she has a plan!  The way for Robbie to reclaim his place on the sleigh team is to win a medal in the upcoming Reindeer Games (sponsored by Hay^TM), thus redeeming himself in Santa’s eyes.

PSYCH!  It’s a dream sequence, suckahs…

But for that to happen they’re going to need a miracle, or at least a “wise old coach who can save the day.”  Enter Old Jingle, the local crazy-as-balls, older-than-dirt Mr. Miyagideer.

Homina, Homina, Homina

Jingle whips Robbie into shape with the workout montage to end all workout montages and, during a rare bout of lucidity, soothes his nerves with some sage old-man wisdom.

Aaaand Vangelis will be needing a clean pair of boxers

By the time the big day arrives, not only is Robbie a lean, mean steeple-chasing machine, but he’s also found new motivation in his spontaneously realized love for Donner (who’d been pining for him all along, but in that cryptic, passive-aggressive way that women do.  So, you know, he could be forgiven for giving her the brush-off.)

“I love everything about the person I’m going to change you into”

Still, it’s not going to be a trot in the park.  Turns out Blitzen’s ambitions are more A-Rod than Iditarod – he’s been juicing (apparently you can drink steroids now, which would have been nice to know before I had a forearm like a pimiento loaf…) to gain a hoof up on the competition.

Pop quiz: which one of these hairy beasts has bedded Madonna?

Fortunately, Blitzen’s ‘roid rage is no match for Rocky’s – er, Robbie’s – training (and general love-fueled mania).  Even after sprinting out of the park pre-race to rescue a prostrate Old Jingle from his poorly placed (read: on top of him) house, Robbie manages to return and chase Blitzen down to a photo finish.

And the winner is…Blitzen, by a nose!  BURN.

No matter – the Reindeer Games commission is onto Blitzen anyway, and Robbie could care less, what with the all-night romp-in-the-hay you know he’s in for (don’t think I don’t know that look, Donner…).

Yesssssss

So Santa apologizes in the best way men know how – by lending Robbie his wheels and never mentioning this again – and Robbie and Donner ride off into the moonset to the sounds of a Mark Knopfler song cheesy enough to plug you up from now ’til New Year’s.

You kids be careful, now, or it’s gonna be more than just your hooves on fire.

Awww, shucks.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the Site!)

Hooves on Fire is available on DVD, packaged with Robbie’s 2002 follow-up, The Legend of The Lost Tribe. The disc contains both British and American voice tracks, but, in the biggest slap in the face since the Boston Tea Party, bills the original version as a bonus “alternate U.K. audio track.”

Hooves director Richard Goleszowski went on to work with Aardman studios on the Creature Comforts series, including this double-sized Christmas episode available on a stand alone DVD as well as the Wallace and Gromit spin-off Shaun the Sheep.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: SANTA CLAUS
Original Air Date: December 24, 1993

SYNOPSIS:
Just in time for the holidays, Mike and the Bots are forced to endure the most twisted version of Santa Claus the world has ever seen!

BACKSTORY:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 was the brainchild of magician/comedian Joel Hodgson in 1988. What began as two puppets and a man yelling improvised lines over full-length movies on a small Minnesota UHF station transformed into two puppets and a guy writing incredibly insightful and hilarious lines to yell over full-length movies on Comedy Central starting in 1989, and then on the Sci-Fi Channel from 1997 to its cancellation in 1999 (10 years ago?!)

MST3K ran for over a decade on multiple channels and in syndication, and even produced one theatrically released movie

The show maintains a large cult following, and DVDs of the hour-and-a-half episodes (cutting out the commercials) continue to trickle out on a semi-regular basis. The hold-up is due partly to the need to purchase the rights to an entire movie for each episode in addition to the cost of licensing the show. Fortunately for fans, in 2009 Shout Factory finally released the highly sought-after episode featuring the 1959 Mexican film Santa Claus.

While Santa Claus received a very limited theatrical release within the states, it’s grown into a cult classic all its own due to an extended life on television throughout the last 50 years, as well as an absurdly loose understanding of the legend of Santa Claus.

The now immortal “Patrick Swayze Christmas” from a previous MST3K Xmas

BREAKDOWN:
Yesterday’s special, It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown put me into a whole “Midwestern Christmas” vibe, and I figured I’d ride that crest into one of my favorite shows ever: MST3K. Hell, it’s kind of a twofer if you think about it. Bear with me, though… it gets a little nuts.

These jerks shot a guy into space to make him watch really bad movies

Okay, before the dozen or so of you reading this blog start yelling at me… I’m aware that this isn’t animated. But technically, neither are The Muppets, and you can be damn sure I’m going to write about them again. Besides, it’s good for my sanity during this ridiculous marathon of daily bloggage, and I had to figure out some way to watch the DVDs I preordered months ago.

Apparently, Gypsy had started knitting the sweater for Joel

Anyway, after belting out a Christmas carol that goes horribly, violently wrong, Mike and the bots exchange horrible gifts with one another.

There is no present worse than a savings bond

Things don’t fare much better for the Mads. TV’s Frank got his boss, Dr. Forrester, a necklace, and then even shaved his head. Unprepared, Dr. Forrester gives Frank an old savings bond made out to himself. They introduce the south-of-the-border Christmas film… and this is where things really get weird.

And I’m not talking about this

In the 1950’s, Mexico didn’t associate Christmas with Santa so much…

A gateway to horror

Whether this film was meant as a means of spreading the holiday (or Christianity) down Mexico way, or was simply a case of one country presenting another country’s culture as quaint folklore, I can’t be sure. But the result is one of the most warped and disturbing versions of Christmas, Santa Claus and the Holidays ever carried out by well-intentioned people.

This’ll all make sense in a second

In this version, Santa Claus lives in Outer Space

Post-Nothing Fantasia

Where he oversees the production of toys occurring in a place called “Toyland”

A Very Merry Sweatshop

And said toys are not made – day in and day out – by elves… but by children hailing from various nationalities.  Santa’s got child laborers from America:

Fine, we’re an easy target

Germany:

Okay… that’s a little racist

The “Orient”:

Full-fledged racism, nailed it

And even Africa:

WOW

And just when the film is done presenting stereotypes with the utmost of insensitivity, it introduces Satan.

Aww, Mexico! Don’t belittle our Devil too

Apparently, the Devil has assigned his best man, Pitch, the task of turning kids evil just in time for the merriest of holidays!

Psst… celebrate Kwanzaa

Meanwhile, we catch Santa as he literally watches over little boys and girls the world over. Hardly a mere voyeur, the big guy has an apparatus that lets him see into minds, dreams, and bedrooms…

Oh, it gets creepier

Wait for it…

Seriously, Santa? You could at least try and look less excited.

And the audience gets to revel in Santa’s hedonistic delight. Watch as a young “rich boy” dreams of exhuming his deadbeat parents from a pair of festive coffins, won’t you?

Hooray!

So while the Devil’s favorite minion is off invading the dreams of of preschoolers, let’s take a break for my favorite host segment of the whole piece. Because this time around, Mike and the bots exit the theater to rock the Satellite of Love to its foundation, courtesy of their new-age synth-ensemble, Santa Kläws!

“Are you ready to be merry!?”

Do they, in fact, rock?

Oh, yes indeed

Now, nothing against the host segments here  – they’re fine and the riffing is just above average.  But the film itself is by far the star of this particular episode. I can’t recommend watching Santa Claus and it’s utterly bizarre interpretation of Christmas enough.

Just another day with the Devil

It’s one of those movies you might’ve heard about and always meant to watch, but lord knows I’d never get around to doing if not for the added draw of running commentary from a couple of robots.

“Kill Me!”

Did you know Santa’s reindeer are white, crank-activated, creepy as all hell, and turn to dust if they don’t return to outer space by sun-up Christmas Day?

It’s a fact! (in Mexico.)

And how familiar are you with Santa’s technique for navigating the world’s households unseen?

A rope ladder, it’s so simple

Or did you know that he has a flower that makes him invisible? What about the magic powder he blows in the faces of woken children to knock them back to sleep?

Even inattentive parents will know Santa’s poison

SO, the devil continues to possess the minds of Spanish-speaking North Americans and still finds the time to sabotage Santa’s sleigh and its arsenal of dirty Christmas tricks…

If you don’t have a kid to force through this film, rent one

However, the demon’s final masterstroke proves to be his greatest: getting a dog to chase Santa up a tree.

Christmas better have a Plan B

With nothing left in his bag of tricks, the devil provokes the home’s residents into arming themselves – with guns! – and slaying Santa as if he were a dangerous intruder.

“But honey, I need these bullets for bullfighting”

Santa reaches out to his only remaining life line and calls out to the North Po…I mean, Galactic Headquarters! And what valiant hero heeds the call? Is it Jack Frost? Mrs. Claus? How about one of his many indentured children? None of the above…

Why it’s Merlin, of course

The Arthurian legend acts fast (for a man centuries old) and tells Santa to reach into his sack and pull out a stuffed cat to distract the dog long enough to make his escape. Christmas is saved, evil is punished, and all viewers under the age of 10 are scarred for life.

This picture is 1080p, so any dust or hair you perceive is the fault of your monitor

But it’s not like MST to end on a down note, heavens no. Borrowing the liberties taken with the film, a light snow falls on the Satellite of Love.

A rare moment of gravity and weather

And that’s not all! Pitch the Demon stops by for a visit to Deep 13 and is confronted by none other than Santa Claus, to deliver the fightin’ finale the film never did.

Will the Devil get his due?! Who cares, it’s a comedy!

Santa does mention The Lord Jesus Christ a single time, although I can’t be entirely certain it wasn’t a mistranslation of “Merlin.” But there can’t be a Devil without a Jesus, right? So, I’m awarding one cross for that, another for the nativity scene Santa fixes at the beginning, and the last for the following ending screen:

It’s that simple

SANTA’S METER OVERFLOWETH! I dare say there’s too much Santa in this movie… I know I certainly could’ve done with less.

Hanukkah Harry would be ashamed

Again, there’s just this “Gee, Gosh, shucks, it’s Christmastime dontcha know?” quality to both MST3K and the Peanuts special that makes me warm all over. It playfully mixes in the sweet with the cynical, and I can’t really imagine that ever becoming any less timeless.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the site!)

Santa Claus is available on DVD in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Volume 16 box set, which also includes a personal favorite of mine, Warrior of the Lost World, and a kickass Tom Servo bust! If you’re bold enough to go Santa Claus alone, you can also purchase a bare-bones, bot-less version at your own personal risk. The immortal MST3K “Patrick Swayze Christmas” song appears in the episode Santa Claus Conquer the Martians, which is available in the Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Essentials collection, on a double bill with Manos: The Hands of Fate. You can’t go wrong with that disc, trust me.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
IT’S CHRISTMASTIME AGAIN, CHARLIE BROWN

IT’S CHRISTMASTIME AGAIN, CHARLIE BROWN
Original Air Date: November 27, 1992

SYNOPSIS:
For the their 36th primetime animated special, Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang revisit Christmas for the first time in almost 30 years!

BACKSTORY:
Does anybody really need to tell you that A Charlie Brown Christmas was huge?

Since its first airing in 1965, it’s been broadcast every year since, on multiple networks, and has pretty much become synonymous with the entire concept of the Christmas Special. To that end, it’s almost odd that it took Charles Schultz and Bill Melendez three decades to return to the well.

Seriously, this special made its debut at a gas station

Instead of forging an all new tale, It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown was adapted directly from numerous Holiday-themed “Peanuts” strips. This special also marked the first time a Peanuts special premiered direct-to-video – it was sold exclusively on VHS at Shell gas stations beginning in September of 1992?!

BREAKDOWN:
In case it isn’t obvious, I’m far less motivated to cover the “classic” Christmas Specials everyone remembers. They’re generally well worn territory, and often above reproach. Which is why so far, I’ve gotten more of a kick out of dredging up the ones that, whether good or bad, have fallen through the cracks. It’s Christmas Time Again, Charlie Brown makes for a great entry because it’s all of the above criteria, rolled into one.

Linus’ cardboard sled is filled with Yule Tide FAIL

Who among us doesn’t have a soft spot for Charlie Brown and Christmas?! By my count, fucking everybody. It’s Christmas Time Again, Charlie Brown, though, certainly isn’t the reason why.

However, I’d like to stipulate right of the bat: It’s not that It’s Christmas Time Again is bad – far from it, actually. In fact, should you have an interest in any of the other Charlie Brown specials that have aired over the last 50 years, you’ll find plenty to love here.

Santa’s helpers

Bill Melendez once again employed children instead of actors in the speaking roles, so there’s little-to-no change to the quaint Peanuts style of minimalist animation and low-fi sound. Plus, they’ve even resurrected Vince Guaraldi’s immortally jazzy score for its first appearance in a Charlie Brown animated special since the composer’s death in 1975.

Peppermint Patty refuses to do her homework

It bears all the earmarks of its classic precursor, so why did it fail to resonate with audiences and receive only a single airing on CBS? Well, popular older brother aside, It’s Christmas Time Again just doesn’t have much of a story.

Charlie Brown’s pathetic tree makes a brief cameo at the very end

The original Charlie Brown Christmas has surely benefited from being one of the first Christmas specials, but you also can’t deny its remarkable distinctness, especially in the way it revels in the depressing nature of the Holidays, abject failure, and the cruelty of children.

Sally rehearses her single line in the Christmas play…it doesn’t go well

It’s Christmastime Again doesn’t even bear the benefits of having poor Charlie Brown as a central character to constantly kick in the teeth. And since it was adapted directly from multiple three-panel jokes ripped from several years worth of newspaper funnies, there’s not even a central theme here; instead, you’re presented with a series of vignettes which, while funny and quintessential Schulz, don’t give you a lot to hold onto.  I’ll lay out an example for you:

“Where are all the candy canes?”
“Have you looked outside?”

HA!

The entire special simply rolls along with brief, dare I say Robot Chicken-esque, gags like the above, but it’s rather charming nonetheless. Even though there’s no unifying thesis at work, I’d still like to believe these are see some of Schulz’s personal thoughts on the nature of Christmas, updated for (slightly) more modern times.

A “credit card” is referenced as a rare reminder that this isn’t the 1950′s

Charlie Brown undergoes typical misfortune while trying to buy the “Little Red-Head Girl” a pair of gloves for $25 (a price I’d like to think was more reflective of current times).

Some punk ass kid mangles his inventory

And I couldn’t help but sympathize with him when he tried to sell his entire comic book collection to raise the funds.

We find out that the object of Chuck’s affection is named Peggy Jean

Whoops, turns out she already got the gloves! Now I’ll admit that that’s failure, it’s just nowhere near what we’ve come to know as Charlie Brown-level failure.

At least the gloves find a good home.

Chuck isn’t even the star here, actually. His sister Sally gets far more screen time, and she seems to be the one struggling with the meaning of Christmas, caught between her role in a Christmas play and the materialistic outlook of the Holidays.

Linus reads the Good Word from an unmarked Bible

Only Peppermint Patty’s parts retain that old-time Peanuts brand of melancholy, albeit mainly by way of her own ego issues wrapped in a Holiday shell, and you could say it’s more of a lesson in humility than humiliation.

Now that’s a Peanuts special!

Finally, A legitimate showing on the Crucifix Meter, which in fact was only included as criteria in the first place after rewatching A Charlie Brown Christmas. Once again, this one finds Linus reading lengthy passages to Sally straight from the Good Book.  Score one for Jesus at last.

None. Unfortunately, Santa’s an adult, so there’s no place for him in the Peanuts world. They’re consistent, to say the least, and I know I didn’t want to hear the guy “Ho, Ho, Ho!” through a trombone mute.

Plenty, although it’s still rather disjointed when compared with the special everyone knows by heart. I’d like to think, though, that the internet could embrace It’s Christmas Time Again, Charlie Brown in the same way they would a Watterson-approved adaptation of Calvin and Hobbes Snowmen comic strips. After all, it’s warm, and it should still feel altogether new since only the most comprehensive Peanuts fan would be familiar with its source material.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Support the Site!)

It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown has been largely relegated to a supporting role as a bonus feature on the many DVDs of A Charlie Brown Christmas – good news for those who don’t already own that Holiday staple. I’ve included the Blu-Ray just because I’m deliriously overjoyed that the thing exists in the first place. The stand-alone disc, Blu-Ray and Holiday bundle all feature both A Charlie Brown Christmas and It’s Christmastime Again Charlie Brown, as well as a documentary entitled, A Christmas Miracle: The Making of A Charlie Brown Christmas.  Any way you slice it, you’re getting a lot of Holiday bang for your minimal Christmas buck.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
CHRISTMAS COMES TO PACLAND