HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS!
Original Air Date: December 18, 1966

SYNOPSIS:
A twisted green wretch seeks to ruin Christmas for a race of singing rodent-creatures.

BACKSTORY:
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is based on a 64-page book written and illustrated in 1957 by Theodor Geisel, better known to the world as Dr. Seuss – the pseudonym he adopted to contribute to his college paper after getting caught drinking during Prohibition.

Seuss wrote a handful of children’s books in the late 30’s before turning his attention toward the war effort, penning hundreds of left-wing political cartoons for periodicals. He also served as the uncredited writer on a series of propaganda shorts intended for soldiers overseas, one of the best of which was Warner Bros. animation’s Private Snafu.

Private Snafu and Clampett’s Horton Hatches the Egg from 1942

During WWII, George Pal, Terrytoons and Bob Clampett took stabs at adapting Seuss’ material into cartoons, and Gerald McBoing-Boing even won United Productions of America an Oscar in 1951 for Best Animated Short. But in the years after  WII, Seuss renewed his focus on creating books and for the next fifteen years was notoriously reluctant to have his characters appear in any other format.

Adapted into a live-action travesty in 2000

It took veteran Warner Bros. animation director Chuck Jones – Suess’ collaborator on the Snafu shorts – to finally convince the author to return to animation. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! premiered on CBS and ran annually on the network for the next two decades. Today it’s shown across numerous channels, and has the distinction of being one of the few Christmas specials aired multiple times in a single year.

BREAKDOWN:
I don’t think anyone will argue with me when I say that How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is the definitive Dr. Seuss adaptation. Grinch set the bar for exactly how you’re supposed to depict oblong environments in poetic pentameter, and as a result, has shown remarkable longevity against all other Seuss cartoons.

Christmas? Not a fan

Beyond this classic special, most people my age are more familiar with the animated works that followed – a favorite of mine being The Lorax – but you’ll get a far better sense of just how well The Grinch translates the author’s work onto the screen if you’ve ever watched the cartoons listed above that predated it.

Just outside of What-city

The Holiday staple is the product of nearly two decades of valiant attempts at Seuss animation, and you can definitely see why the author was so reluctant to bother with the medium of cartoons, in spite of the fact that he had helped to pioneer them during the war.

Admit it: You wished you lived here

I know most people haven’t seen the Private Snafu shorts. (Understandable, since most of us didn’t have the pleasure of serving as soldiers abroad during World War II.)  But despite being comparatively  frightening and risqué, they were actually the most representative of Seuss’ style on the page, until The Grinch came along.

Obviously, this is due to Seuss’ direct involvement in the production. And thanks to the help of friend and former co-worker Chuck Jones, the cartoon is ridiculously faithful to the source material, with nearly ever damned word taken directly from the book.

The only Who you’ll hear

Albert Hague, who played Mr. Shorofsky in Fame, composed the famous music, but the good doctor himself is responsible for the childishly grotesque and nonsensical lyrics.

Seussian toy names were added for the special

It’s truly the perfect companion piece to the book, which is something I cannot say about that idiotic Ron Howard movie of the same name… Two fucking hours, elongated by an unnecessary Grinch origin story, too much time in Whoville and dark, dreary effects that can hardly be called “special.”

An impression of me listening to any version of “12 Days of Christmas”

The cartoon works without all of that, because as Chuck Jones himself said, “everyone hates Christmas a little bit.” Even adults sullied by the shitty weather or Wal-Mart fistfights over the last Elmo doll can experience a Holiday heart enlargement with every viewing. And kids today remain dazzled by the all 70,000 hand-drawn cells strung together by one of the most expressive animators of all time.

Unlike the movie, the cartoon only features three cast members (outside of the singers.) Best known for his portrayal of some of the most iconic monsters in silver screen history, Boris Karloff adds a sinister warmth to The Grinch through his transformation.

Distinctly Chuck Jones

And to Karloff’s further credit, his sing-songy narration is the next-best thing to having the book read aloud to you in a cozy winter bed – whimsically lending the story all the timelessness of a rich folk tale.

Every cowboy needs a horse

The only other onscreen character with any lines is Cindy Lou Who, voiced by June Foray (also known for her work in Rocky and Bullwinkle). She remains uncredited to this day due to a simple production oversight, as does a man who deserves every bit as much credit as Karloff gets for The Grinch’s portrayal.

A Screen Actors Guild nightmare

As hard as it is to believe that somebody manually designing the credits scroll could forget to mention such a crucial aspect of the production… it happened, and it’s a big one. After all, the first thing that comes to mind upon the slightest whisper of “Grinch,” is the baritone lyrics, mightily bellowed out by Thurl Ravensoft.

That train looks straight out of a Dr. Suess book

Whereas the stupid live-action movie forced us to endure the Grinch as a tormented child, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” playfully establishes everything we need to know about the character, without the need for empathy.

Everything must go!

The lyrics endure as disgustingly evocative in a manner most juvenile, and the descriptive tune is among the most famous things on Ravensoft’s lengthy bio… Pretty impressive for a guy who also voiced Tony the Tiger for over fifty years, and moaned the immortal phrase of Snoopy’s rejection, “No Dogs Allowed.”

“Why no, I’m merely borrowing Christmas”

Why does he remain uncredited? Well, for one, it’s almost common knowledge.  Seuss himself was so mortified about the oversight that he mailed letters to publications all over America politely asking editors to, please, acknowledge the man behind the voice. And you could say most have obliged ever since.

The “Sinful Sot” listens in

Additionally, the omission stands because How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is beyond reproach, like the Star Wars of Christmas specials… okay, really bad example. But The Grinch is considered such a sacred American tome that even the slightest tampering would be considered an infraction of the highest caliber, as the only thing ever removed from the special were the Seuss-inspired bookend sponsor bumpers by the Foundation of Full Bank Services.

This song kills fascists

That said, you I hope you can see why I didn’t bother with a detailed plot synopsis. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! has been aired on television more than any other Christmas special, and the movie currently holds the box office record of highest-grossing Christmas movie of all time (in spite of being largely terrible).

NEVERMIND!

Shit, I’d like to meet a single person who isn’t familiar with the Grinch, if only so I could plunk them down, pry open their eyelids and force them to watch it for the first time. FYI: Even my Microsoft word recognizes the word Seuss, made up out of thin air!

How’zat for an ending?!

No overt reference is made to Christ, but once Grinchy strips away all of the telltale signs of an irreligious Christmas, you could interpret the glowing, star-like object seen with the Whos as the embodiment of the Son of God…

…but that’d probably be stupid.

Not specifically, but with all the Kringle imagery afoot, you can’t deny that The Grinch is still an approximation of Santa Claus, even if he is an evil doppelganger.

Yuletide Redemption

Just so you know, I haven’t seen How the Grinch Stole Christmas! in a couple of years, and I made it a point to view it after watching so many other Christmas-themed gems and gallstones. Thus, I can proudly exclaim with utmost authority: How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is the most perfect twenty-six minutes anyone can endure between November 30th and December 25th. And speaking as practical atheist, the special makes me feel bad, even mortified, for anybody involved in a religion too repressive to celebrate Christmas. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is just so colorful, catchy and wonderful-to-behold, even Hebrews gots ta shout!

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There’s an existing version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas! with a more green cover that you’ll want to avoid. The Deluxe Edition is what you want. It’s got many of the the bonus features from the previous edition, plus a couple new ones, and Warner has done a little color restoration after some complaints about the previous edition. If you’re High-Def equipped, you’ll definitely need the relatively inexpensive Blu-Ray. And how can I not recommend the book?! It makes a great, cheap-ass Christmas gift for even the most impossible-to-shop-for on your list.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
A MUPPET FAMILY CHRISTMAS

WILL VINTON’S CLAYMATION CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION
Original Air Date: December 21, 1987

SYNOPSIS:
The California Raisins and their Claymation brethren present the smartest, funniest, most creative and clayiest Christmas TRL you could ever ask for.

BACKSTORY:
Will Vinton didn’t invent claymation, but he does own the trademark.  No, really.  And he also lays claim to the creation of the California Raisins, which can come in handy if, say, you want to produce an animated Christmas special during the height of Raisinmania. (He also created The Noid, whom you should avoid, FYI.)

All that clay are belong to him

Not to imply that Vinton is some kind of proprietary asshole.  He’s done more than just about anyone to further the medium of clay animation (o.k., his words, not mine), including coining and trademarking the term “Claymation^TM,” which rolls off the tongue so much more easily than “clay animation,” don’t you think?

The famously canceled NES game developed by Capcom

Vinton created the California Raisins in 1987, as the stars of a commercial for the most boring-sounding agency on earth, the California Raisin Advisory Board (CALRAB).  And for those of you who weren’t around at the time (or were living under a rock), let me tell you: America went California-nuts for the California Raisins.

How, indeed…

We were a nation obsessed with those wrinkly little hunks of doo-wopping Model Magic.  We plastered them all over our pillowcases, Trapper Keepers, footie pajamas, cereal boxes, Hardees cinnamon raisin buns – basically anywhere you could put a raisin without getting slapped.

Love your raisin, hate yourself

On top of that, they had four studio albums, an animated TV series, and a couple of feature films, making them more successful than all the winners of American Idol combined.

So it should come as no surprise that when Vinton made A Claymation Christmas Celebration later that year, he decided to close it out with the marketing gold that was the California Raisins and their R&B rendition of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”

Perhaps the faded popularity of the Raisins is part of the reason this feature has faded from the public eye.  It originally aired on CBS, but by the early 1990s had been relegated to cable and is now no longer shown anywhere.  Which is a shame, because it’s one my all-time favorite specials – funny, original, and wonderfully animated (sorry - claymated).

BREAKDOWN:
A Claymation Christmas Celebration is essentially a series of Christmas carol music videos hosted by the Mesozoic Odd Couple: straight-man Rex, an erudite, red Tyrannosaurus Jeff Goldblum; and foil Herb, a bulbous, lisping garbage disposal of a stegosaurus who proves that yes, Virginia, vegetarians can be fat.

Our prehistoric Felix and Oscar

As Rex dryly lays it out, “thematically speaking, we’ll be looking at Christmas carols as they relate to specific traditions.”  Snore.  It’s no wonder Herb feels a need to comfort eat…

First under the microscope is “We Three Kings,” but before Rex can finish his introductory discourse, along come a group of hound dogs singing “here we come a waffling,” and pushing a cart full of…WAFFLES!

Nums.

It’s a little something for everyone, as Herb gets to stuff his face with Belgian deliciousness…

“As usual, Herb, there you go letting history take a back seat to your stomach”

…and Rex gets to digress, interjecting, “pardon me, but you’re making a lyrical error in that fine old Christmas carol…”

But Rex is vexed – while he can successfully identify the true term as “wassailing,” no one, himself included, knows what it means.  Thus begins one of the special’s running gags, as a whole cast of characters parade in on the action with their own variations on “Here We Come A-Wassailing.”  But I’m getting ahead of myself…

Spoiler alert!

“We Three Kings” is preformed by clay versions of the Three Wise Men themselves – Melchior, Gaspar, and Balthasar – with an interjected chorus courtesy of some doo-wop camels whose vocal style bears more than a little resemblance to those yet-unseen dried fruits.

Close your eyes and picture…raisins!

The trios trade turns at the mic in a sound-off that leaves the wise guys eating camel dust.

“I hate you.”

“We love you!”

Luckily, they can all agree on one thing: their destination -  Jesus’ birthplace, illuminated by the Star of Bethlehem©.

My gift for Jesus: not-crack

Even more than twenty years later, the jazzy swing of the camels’ “star of wonder, star of night,” cheesy as it is, takes me straight back to the Christmases of my childhood – basking in the glow of the Christmas lights while I was sung to sleep by three pachyderms.

Jesus…better than GPS

Herb and Rex return to introduce my favorite clip: the Paris Bellharmonic performing “Carol of the Bells.”

“One of the ways to drive evil off was by making a great deal of noise…”

“This isn’t driving you off!”

Conductor Quasimodo has put together a fine ensemble of anthropomorphic bells, with the exception of one particularly unfocused member who gets distracted, plays some air guitar, hits himself in the face trying to swat a fly, and loses his mallet.

Someone I would probably date if I were a bell

The whole sketch is so clever that I don’t want to give away the punch line (you should really watch it yourself, HINT HINT), but I’ll just say that Quasi ultimately saves the day with a move that would leave Bart Simpson green with envy.

Don’t mess.

After being pulled briefly off track to deal with a flock of ducks come a-waddling, our prehistoric hosts present “Oh Christmas Tree,” which, while the claymating is stellar, is frankly not the most exciting tool in the shed.  So we’ll move on…

Yeah, it’s kinda like that

We’re next introduced to two physics-defying ice-skating walruses: the world-famous prima ballerina Margot Pontoon and her partner, Rudolf Nerves-on-Edge.

It’s a testament to the quality of the animation that Margot and Rudolf move exactly how you imagine a pair of ice-dancing walrus ballerinas would.

A majestic-y creature

They’re fluid (relatively speaking) and graceful(-ish), but they collide one too many times with the friendly neighborhood penguins…

Don’t get too attached…

Kapow!

…and when the walruses’ final salchow leaves them three feet underwater, the aggrieved penguins waste no time sealing up the hole.

Sorta like David and Goliath, except not at all

Too bad no one bothered to tell them that walruses are semi-aquatic animals.

Can’t nobody hold me down

We return to find Herb and Rex mired in reference books, trying to determine the true meaning of the term “wassailing,” when who should appear but a slew of swine come a-wallowing.  No, no, no, no, no! It’s all Rex can do to keep us, dear viewers, on the straight and narrow while trying to restrain Herb from joining the pig-out.

“Joy!”

Better distract us by cutting to the trippy African Pride Jesus-montage…

o.k., sure, a baby’s ass…why not?

The “Joy to the World” sequence is, in a word, weirdasballs.  I’m sure the animation is a marvel of modern plasticine, but this thing is like taking a baaaaaad trip soundtracked by Luther Vandross covering Manheim Steamroller.  Which I guess isn’t all bad, since synth-rock was my second-favorite childhood Christmas tradition, but still.

Here’s just a sampling of the crazy-ass shit that happens in the 2:30 that it takes to sing “Joy to the World.”  For the rest of the collection, please see my nightmares from the past twenty-two years.

So far, so…so.

I don’t remember anything like this in “Rudolph”…

Not okay.

Mommy?

Boobs!  All is forgiven, Vinton.

Finally we get to some damn Raisin action, introduced by ultimate CALRAB fan-boy Herb…

Sunglasses are how you knew something was cool in the ‘80s.

In a classic case of “slow food,” A.C., Bebop, Red, and Zoot spent so long shooting the shit that they missed the last bus home on Christmas Eve.  So what do they do?  Deliver the finest Motown “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” to ever grace our ears, of course!

See?  Cool.

And at the same time, they learn a hard lesson in acceptance when it turns out that one of their own is also a shiner.

“Craisin!”

Not really – they spend the whole song making fun of his nose…

“There’s no possible way they can mock me if I’m hiding behind this snowman”

FAIL

…then rope him to the front of a ghetto-fabulous sleigh and make him pull them home.

A little holiday oppression to warm your cockles

Fruits can be so cruel.

The special ends with Rex, Herb (who’s put on a good 3 packs of Sculpey) and all of their waffling, waddling, and wallowing compadres enjoying a full mug of Christmas spirit, courtesy of some singing leprechauns who pull up a-drinking – no, wait – a-wassailing!

Leave it to the Irish to show up wasted at the end

They’re carting a frat’s-worth of “Cyril’s Cider” (Really?  Not wassail?  Whatevs.), and they’re not a moment too soon because Rex is about to pop a vein.

“Fuck all y’all!”

Luckily, everyone finally gets what they wanted for Christmas – Rex gets validation, Herb gets enough clay snacks to feed a herd of bulimic elephants, and all of the claytastic characters get to make one last appearance.

What really killed the dinosaurs

Or rather, almost all of them.  In a much-appreciated nod to what I, and probably everyone with eyes, wanted for Christmas, those creepy-ass “Joy to the World” fuckers are nowhere to be seen.

LET’S WASSAIL!

While I wouldn’t call this a religious special (thank God!), and there’s certainly no molded Jesus anywhere, A Claymation Christmas does seem to have a little more savior-presence than most of the specials we’ve seen so far.

For one thing, it’s based around a series of carols that, whether we’re wont to admit it or not, sing the praises of Jesus’ big day.  Then, of course, there are the aforementioned manger-moseying Wise Men, and while I didn’t really want to have to bring it up again, the “Joy to the World” segment has more than a few images that could probably garner a cool sum on eBay if they were to show up on a piece of toast.

The face of Mary in…a program about Christmas!

Old Saint Nick makes just one blink-and-you’ll-miss-it appearance, (understandably) dozing in his rocking chair during the soporific “Oh Christmas Tree.”  But Herb does don an ever-strained Santa suit during the entire special, so we’ll give ‘em kudos for that, too.

A Claymation Christmas certainly doesn’t have a heartwarming moral, (too much) religious iconography, or a tidy resolution, but the melding of classic carols with ambulatory clay, quirky humor, Christmas treats, and those quintessentially 80’s spokes-raisins perfectly encapsulates everything that I loved about the holidays when I was growing up.  So while this may be the last nail in the coffin of the Christmas-spirit scale’s validity, I’m giving it 5 balls.  Cuz I love it.

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Contrary to popular belief, Will Vinton’s Claymation Christmas Celebration is available on DVD… and isn’t it time you upgraded from that VHS you recorded twenty years ago? (I know I probably should!) It contains the uncut special we all know and love, as well as Halloween and Easter specials you’ve likely never seen.

If you’re still in the mood for some vintage Vinton, I can easily recommend his full-length movie The Adventures of Mark Twain (which contains the notoriously frightening “Satan scene”), but if you’re simply hunting for something under the criteria of “stop-motion” and “Christmas,” you could do a helluva lot worse than the newly remastered The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
A FAT ALBERT CHRISTMAS

SYNOPSIS:
Chip and Dale run amok in Mickey’s house, giving Pluto a helluva hard time.

Mickey Mouse has been around since 1928, and Pluto since 1930. A great many of Mickey theatrical shorts featured the hapless mutt, and Pluto managed to parlay the success into almost fifty solo cartoons, yet Pluto’s Christmas Tree was produced in the final throes of Disney’s theatrical cartoons.

A line of figurines based on the cartoon were produced starting in 1995

Most of its characters had been relegated to roles of domestic life, and only Donald Duck would see life on screen into the next decade. Both Mickey and Pluto appeared in one more theatrical short a year later, but would then remain unseen in theaters for three decades.

BREAKDOWN:
Warm tidings, all! And to get the bad taste of yesterday’s Christmas Special out of thy mouth, here’s yet another wonderful Disney short that I get to award a high-quality embed where you can watch it in its entirety.

You may not remember the name, but there’s next to no one I know who hasn’t seen Pluto’s Christmas Tree. It’s been aired continuously on television for almost sixty years, and you’ll find it included in many a Disney Christmas compilation.

Not as threatening as it looks

I defy anyone out there (even you, Jews!) not to feel these images resonate with them in some way. If you own a television, you’ve been exposed to this short at least once.

The inspiration for Snow Dogs

And if you’re like me, you’ve probably spent a good part of your life confusing it with Toy Tinkers, as both feature highly similar premises.

Your Holiday decoration is their home

The difference here is that Chip and Dale are more forcibly brought into Mickey’s home, whereas in Toy Tinkers they pretty much intruded on Donald to steal his nuts.

Micky even makes wielding an axe look cute

I don’t mean to paint the sensational corporation in too noble a light, since technically they started it. Chip beams Pluto in the ass with an acorn, he chases them up a tree, which Mickey then chops down to – SURPRISE! – hang ornaments on.

Familiar yet?

I loveloveLOVE the Christmas Tree interiors, and that’s part of why I love the lil’ chipmunks to begin with. Despite their diminutive stature, everywhere they go always seems tailor-scaled to suit their needs

I know I could live here

Chip and Dale spend the duration of the cartoon mercilessly fucking with Pluto, while simultaneously trying to escape his wrath.

Generic gifts, ruined in the name of comedy

And when Pluto can finally take no more, he lunges at the tree, basically wrecking every Christmas decoration in sight.

Mickey and Pluto share a similar tail

Oh, Mickey is mad at first…

Puppy strangulation, also made adorable by Mickey

Until he discovers the Chipmunks himself, and offers them a reprieve from Pluto’s gnash on account of Christmas.

Caught in a passionate embrace

And hey, you got a great ending here.

“Ohhh… just try not to ruin next Christmas”

In the days before Disney’s classic characters were required to appear only in ensemble, Pluto’s Christmas Tree features a rare cameo from Disney’s biggest stars!

Caroling with a cello is serious business

Why bother? Every character here is bigger than Jesus.

None, really. With the notable exception of the candles Dale uses as a disguise:

While Pluto’s Christmas Tree barely registers on any of the other meters, every single image is synonymous with the season for me. Perhaps you’ll rate it differently when you get your own blog.

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Pluto’s Christmas Tree is featured on the single disc Disney Animation Collection Volume 7: Mickey’s Christmas Carol, along with several fantastic Christmas cartoons like The Small One and Santa’s Workshop. I still say your best bet is picking up Walt Disney Treasures: Mickey Mouse in Living Color Volume 2 as it too contains Pluto’s Christmas Tree and Mickey’s Christmas Carol, plus over 5 hours of Mickey goodness that you can be sure is uncut and uncensored. It looks to be out of print, but sellers are still offering it on Amazon for a steal. Pick it up while you can, it’s bound to become a pricey collector’s item. Speaking of hyper-expensive, that Pluto figurine is the most expensive thing I’ve ever needed!

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
BUGS BUNNY’S LOONEY CHRISTMAS TALES

BUGS BUNNY’S LOONEY CHRISTMAS TALES
Original Air Date: November 27, 1979

SYNOPSIS:
Bugs and the partially assembled Looney Tunes gang go through the Holiday motions!

BACKSTORY:
Although many people are given credit for the creation of Bugs Bunny, only one man brought him an Oscar. While Tex Avery popularized the version of Bugs we now know and love, Friz Freleng was the one who directed him to his only Academy Award, in 1958’s Knighty Knight Bugs.

Freleng and Bugs during better times

When Warner Bros. shut down its cartoon division in 1963, it allowed Freleng and the previous WB animation director, David DaPatie, to set up shop in its old animation facilities for a nominal fee, where they operated under the name of the DaPatie-Freleng Enterprises.

Logos that accompanied many a DFE cartoon

Rather than let their characters die, however, Warner licensed out the use of the Looney stable of characters to DFE and Chuck Jones Enterprises for several television projects – Bugs Bunny’s Looney Christmas Tales was a joint product of both studios.

BREAKDOWN:
As much as I like the idea of “getting the band back together,” there’s a reason Bug Bunny’s Looney Christmas Tales has been lost to time. These were the cheap years, the Speedy-Gonzales-versus-Daffy-Duck times most Looney Tunes fans don’t like to talk about.

Bugs opens the special by leading a group of drunks in song

Given the budget for what was essentially a heavily licensed, made-for-TV freelance assignment, I sure as shit didn’t expect a whole lot going in. So in a way I was not let down.

Love the backgrounds here

Both Jones and Freleng were well beyond their prime and, I’d guess, basically resurrecting old tricks for the money. It’s animated pretty poorly and the gags are, for the most part, simple retreads going through the motions.

It’s okay to feel uncomfortable

Looney Christmas Tales features three cartoons made fresh 30 years ago – two by Freleng and one by Chuck Jones. Now, I was faced with an overwhelming sense of dread at having to watch another adaptation of A Christmas Carol, especially at a run-time of seven or so minutes…

This is the most Bugs ever moves

But I sorta dug it since it was a surprisingly fresh take. Sure you’ve got the same old Dickens classic, recast with the Warner Bros. menagerie. Yosemite Sam is Scrooge, Porky Pig is Bob Cratchit, etc.

I noticed it, too, Bugs

Oh, and one role that hints at a adulterous Petunia Pig:

Yep, Tweety Bird as a genetically impossible Tiny Tim

But Bugs Bunny is pretty much Bugs Bunny. The only time a ghost even appears is when Bugs dresses like one.

It’s not unlike the old formula where they simply insert Bugs into any situation just to watch him torment another asshole, so I’ve got no complaints there.

This is how it ends – on Christmas night for a change

Only problem is, there’s no fluidity to the animation, nor to the Stalling-esque score we’ve come to associate with the rabbit’s escapades. Mel Blanc is on hand to provide all the recognizable character voices, but the sound effects seem to be on loan from Hanna-Barbera.

Spirited, but stupid

Chuck Jones’ Road Runner cartoon fares a bit better. By his own admission, there really isn’t much more to the Road Runner-Wile E. Coyote duo than concocting new ACME products and FAIL gags.

The only real premise at work is that Wile E. Coyote chases the Road Runner to the top of a mountain under the assumption that road runners hate snow.

In fact, he takes to it quite well

And no offense to the Road Runner or Wile E. Coyote, but it’s undeniably cool to see them running around someplace other than an art-deco desert for once. Plus the animation is a cut above.

Because Chuck Jones knows snow, bitches!

But probably the most notable cartoon is an all-new Tasmanian Devil short. Due to his latter-day popularity in commercials, mudflaps and television appearances, people tend to forget that Taz only starred in five theatrical shorts. (By comparison, Bugs was in almost 150!)

Great! Now I have a new phobia

In a bit of contrived self-awareness, even the pilots wonder why they’re shipping a Tasmanian Devil from Australia over the North Pole on Christmas Eve. But hey, that’s what gets him where he needs to be!

Animal cruelty?

Ever-afraid to portray cartoon characters as married – and thereby unattainable – Bugs is made to be caring for his nephew over the Holidays.

Who could forget Bugs’ nephew, “Nephew?”

Bugs proceeds to torment Taz, who actually seems even more punch-drunk and lost than usual on this occasion, to the point where you almost feel sorry for him.

Taz’s don’t know that table’s not food!

Either way, The Fright Before Christmas is the only short from this special that found its way in to regular airings on Saturday mornings alongside Warner Bros.’ popular, much better looking, theatrical shorts.

Not unlike the tree, this scene was trimmed in subsequent airings

The half-assed wraparound that bookends the three shorts fizzles out with Bugs riding off into the Christmas night with the rest of the Looney Tunes…

“Goodbye, Docs”

Right before Taz eats the sleigh, for a last-ditch comedic effort before the buzzer.

Obligations

What kind of goofy God would make a rabbit who could talk?! Keep your religion the hell away from my Looney Tunes!

Plenty of characters don the famous red suit, but only the big guy’s hoause makes an actual appearance.

All dressed up with no one around

Every time I beat back my Holiday cynicism, something like Bugs Bunny’s Looney Christmas Tales comes along to keep me on my toes. Even thirty years later it resembles the shameless cash-in it always was: The Godfather III of Christmas specials. And above all, NO DAFFY!

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Bugs Bunny’s Looney Christmas Tales is available on its own only on VHS, so it should be easy to avoid. However, it’s also included as a special feature on the Looney Tunes: Golden Collection, Volume 5, part of the phenomenal DVD series that contains nearly seven hours of Warner Bros. bliss. While you’re at it, pick up the latest volume as well – Warner has just announced that they’re discontinuing the Golden Collection,  so even a mild interest could turn into an extremely valuable collectors item! (Don’t believe me?  Peep the price on this similar Disney series that went on sale just two years ago.)

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN

FRAGGLE ROCK: THE BELLS OF FRAGGLE ROCK
Original Air Date: December 24, 1984

SYNOPSIS:
Gobo is having trouble believing in the Fraggles’ Holiday traditions. Is he willing to risk their lives for his curiosity?

BACKSTORY:
Fraggle Rock premiered on January 10, 1983, as a joint venture among many channels and many nations. Following the worldwide success of Jim Henson’s Sesame Street, but also the difficulty translating the show to all the nationalities who wanted a piece, Fraggle Rock was designed to be a show easily understandable to all audiences.

The Fraggles dealt with universal themes like fear, jealously, sharing, and other issues easily relatable to viewers regardless of language or cultural background. So while US audiences tuning in on HBO saw sequences starring Doc, Sprocket and Uncle Traveling Matt, these brief scenes were re-shot to be made specific to the country it was airing in.

Fraggle Rock aired for only five seasons, yet has shown remarkable longevity on cable and abroad. Though the Henson Company has sold the rights to both The Muppets and Sesame Street, it retains ownership of The Fraggles, and is even readying a movie for them in 2010.

BREAKDOWN:
Oh, how I love Fraggle Rock! Each of the five characters is instantly lovable, and relatable to any human with a brain capable of watching. I was too poor to have watched these episodes when they originally aired in the states on HBO, yet I wasn’t ready to fully appreciate it during the subsequent airing on TNT I was eventually exposed to.

Wembley is very committed to that tropical shirt

My preteen brain was unable to grasp how well written the show and its above-and-beyond music were, and only as an adult can I truly exalt the wonderful way in which the marvelous universe of Fraggles, Dozers, and Gorgs presented some incredibly deep and heartfelt lessons.

Doc explains to Sprocket the various cultural traditions people celebrate during the Winter Solstice

I dare say I could’ve used a viewing of The Bells of Fraggle Rock as a teenager, when I was so fucking busy screaming about the stupidity of religion and the inherent benefits of atheism. Seriously, this is a Christmas episode with a message so powerfully unique that I’m embarrassed about the way I conducted myself into near-adulthood.

FYI, The Fraggles never even mention Christmas

In this episode, Gobo, the adventurous young explorer, is beginning to question the cultural traditions of his fellow Fraggles. Every year, the Fraggles celebrate The Festival of the Rock. They dress up, sing songs and ring bells in order to trigger the chiming of the Great Bell and keep The Rock (their home, not the wrestler) from stopping at the apex of its orbit and making life uninhabitably cold.

Not feeling the group costume

Problem is, Gobo is finding it increasingly difficult to slap on a smile and perform the rituals his people have been merrily but blindly conducting for years in the name of fun and survival.

If a sad sack like Boober can get behind the Holiday, surely Gobo can?!

What is it all for, and how is anything they do making a bit of difference in the scheme of things? All of Wembley’s, Mokey’s, Boober’s, and Red’s promises of fun and costumes are doing little to persuade him to leave it be and just enjoy himself.

Bah Humbug

Even the phenomenal song “There’s a Promise” (which I’m convinced should be allowed into our pantheon of Holiday music, if only for being absolutely beautiful and nondenominational!), lead by spiritual guru Cantus (who just so happens to be voiced by Jim Henson himself), does little to dissuade him.

Note the one guy not singing

It seems Gobo will only be satisfied with a literal interpretation of the Fraggles’ holiday.

Gobo finds a map in a box marked “Really Old Stuff”

He must see the mythical Great Bell in the center of the rock for himself, or bring back word to the others that it was all a sham.

Cantus maintains he does not sound like Rowlf the Dog

Cantus counsels Gobo that he need not go on such a dangerous journey, since the answer he’s really looking for is much closer. But Gobo makes a huge scene and embarks on the mission anyway.

Oh, and meanwhile Matt expounds on the strangeness of “Silly Creature” culture

Cantus quietly accompanies Gobo at a distance, and allows him to see whatever it is he needs to see.

I don’t want to ruin it

Through a series of literal, as well as spiritual, interpretations, Gobo eventually does find the answer, even though it wasn’t necessarily the one he was looking for.

Meanwhile, the gang freezes their asses off waiting for Gobo to return

But once he narrowly makes it back to Fraggle Rock, he finds that all of his friends have frozen. Whether this was due to the absence of Cantus or the lack of the ceremony is unimportant. The Festival of the Bells has not taken place, and Gobo has interfered with the natural order of things set in place by people far older and wiser than himself.

The horror!

Personally, I don’t see it as a message of conformity, but rather one of cultural acceptance. The Fraggles’ traditions are equal parts biological and religious; a fun way of acknowledging a balance within their universe.

Lesson hopefully learned

After unfreezing his friends, Gobo realizes that cultural traditions can have more importance than their face value. At no time is he asked not to question these beliefs, but he definitely learns that satisfying his own curiosity shouldn’t have to come at the expense of the beliefs and behavior enjoyed by others.

Gobo joins in the reprise of this fantastic song

I’m not a religious guy by any means, but it’s hard to interpret this any other way. Though neither Jesus nor Christianity are ever mentioned specifically, there’s a profound message of cultural acceptance here and I believe faith is a big part of that.

The only Santa to be seen is the small toy that Sprocket plays with.

I genuinely feel that there’s an unbelievably beautiful moral to The Bells of Fraggle Rock, one that encompasses all cultural holidays and truly embodies the spirit of the Christmas season better than just about any special I’ve ever seen. Doc does a good job of explaining to Sprocket why people celebrate winter holidays, and Traveling Matt’s outsider perspective on the Human’s Christmas really helps drive the point home. No Shit: If there’s one Christmas special on this entire stupid blog I believe every parent should show their kids, it’s this one.

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The Bells of Fraggle Rock appears on the one-disc Merry Fraggle Holiday, as well as on the boxed set, Fraggle Rock: The Complete Third Season. Of course, it’s also contained in Fraggle Rock: The Complete Series Collection, but that should go without saying. I wholeheartedly recommend picking up any of these wonderful sets.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
INVADER ZIM: THE MOST HORRIBLE X-MAS EVER

INVADER ZIM: THE MOST HORRIBLE X-MAS EVER
Original Air Date: December 10, 2002

SYNOPSIS:

An alien hellbent on taking over the world hatches an evil plan to pose as Santa Claus and lead the spirited masses of Earth to their ultimate DOOM!

BACKSTORY:
Invader Zim was first broadcast on March 30, 2001 as part of Nickelodeon’s efforts to extend its reach beyond children and into the teenage demographic. Perhaps hiring the Jhonen Vasquez, the writer of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, got them a little more than they bargained for… since his show centered around a murderous alien who is only kept from destroying our planet by a boy named Dib, a nerd seemingly reviled by all.

The Nickelodeon cartoonist’s previous work

The series was far darker and more sadistic than anything that has ever aired on the network before or since, and lukewarm ratings made the satirical depictions of death and a moronic society all the harder to defend. The show was canceled at the very beginning of the second season even though it won numerous awards in the field of animation.

Zim was almost voiced by Billy West and Mark Hamill

Despite being the final episode in the production order, The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever was the only episode from Zim’s second season ever to premiere on Nickelodeon. The remaining finished episodes would eventually air on other networks starting in 2006, most notably on the Nicktoons Network, after the show proved to be a cult hit with the 18-25 set via the internet and DVD.

BREAKDOWN:
Invader Zim was one of those jobs almost well done. Nickelodeon attempted to branch out into harsher fare… only to buckle under scrutiny, cancel the show after a handful of episodes, and scare off the creator from ever returning to televised animation.

This episode featured an alternate intro where Zim and GIR are crushed by Santa’s fat ass

Damn shame, that. Because even though my friends and I were well outside of Zim’s target demographic, we finally caught wind of it through *cough* various means of internet file sharing, and have been in love with it ever since.

GIR, doin’ what he does bet: Nothing

That said, The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever is pretty wonderful Christmas special, even though it bitter-sweetly marks the last episode ever produced for the series, and absolutely barbaric by Rankin/Bass comparison.

Sure to warm the hearts of next to no one

That’s only an apt comparison given that Horrible X-Mas is also presented to the viewer as a tale told by a snowman, just like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer… Only this snowman’s name is Sludgy, and he’s spinning the yarn from 2 million years in the future.

The winter of your nightmares

At the start, Zim is demanding money from the very humans he so hates, only to notice many a red-suited figure cutting in on his action.

You know he’s one of us from the nametag that says “HUMAN”

Zim kidnaps one of Santa’s helpers in hopes that he may better weaken the will of the masses by posing as the holiday icon he believes earthlings worship as a leader.

Meanwhile, Dib is trying to get Zim’s ship working so he can bring down the would-be alien conqueror nobody else even believes to exist.

Dib must save a world populated by people who hate him

A news update kicks on with an urgent update! Santa Claus is back, bitches!

People are sometimes too quick to believe in Santa

Dib may be the only person on Earth who can recognize Zim underneath his many costumes and contact lenses, but it is also revealed the his absentee father, Professor Membrane also holds a vendetta against Santa in general after he received an explosion of socks instead of unrefined uranium as a boy.

Sickeningly cute

Zim’s plan seems to be in full swing, as he has quite capably gathered the drooling masses into a Christmas themed arena so that they may exahult him before their inevitable demise.

Now that’s a Christmas celebration!

Dib tries to warn his fellow civilians, reminding them that the gorilla from last year was also, not Santa, but his pleas fall on deaf ears and Zim takes him captive.

Bow before Santa

A flaw has begun to expose itself… The suit Zim has brought to life is built upon the brains of several Santa’s. Once people begin to shout warm tidings of X-Mas cheer, the suit begins to show signs of call and response sentience.

Too… Merry

Dib proves to be a problem for Zim, so he disposes of him on an ice float in the middle of nowhere, leaving Dib with no other option but to call out to his normally indifferent family for help.

Not cool

Sister Gaz, arrives in the ship to pick him up, but in what could a be a series first, his father actually reaches out to offer help too. Although, it is a personal score he is more than prepared to settle.

Hating Santa, not Christmas

Cut to the North Pole, where Zim is finalizing his plans to eradicate the humans from the surface of the planet.

Are you ready to get Merry?!

YEEEAAAAAAAAH

But even the best laid plans go array. It seems Zim was prepared for everything… except an impossibly cute girl demanding a hug from Santa Claus.

D’Awwwwww

The suit has become… aware

And Zim is enveloped into his own creation of Horrible Christmas Cheer!

Should’ve impersonated Hanukkah Harry

Luckily, Dib burst onto the scene in a full on mech-suit built for the sole purpose of destroying Santa Claus…

Mecha-Humbug

Just in time for the Santa suit to go all out Akira:

BLAAARGH

An apocalyptic  war is waged with the organic Kringle-bot…

Stand closer, ya morons!

And Dib proves himself to be more than capable. He strikes a blow so powerful, Santa is knocked down and bleeds Zim from his insides.

Yeah, pretty gross

Outside of the confines of the suit, Zim shrinks the ruiner of Christmas and Dib fire the remains into space. Huzzah! Christmas is saved!

You’re welcome, Sheeple

As the savior of Christmas, and the entire human race, Dib looks like he may finally get the respect he has so long deserved… were it not for Zim’s Plan B: The Easter Platypus!

So cute, you almost want to hand him the world

And the whole special whips back into the future, as Sludgy the snowman explains that’s why children two million years later must barricade themselves indoors every Christmas: To avoid the wrath of Zim’s Christmas gift to the stars!

I know I feel merrier

Nil. Already skating on thin ice with his Nickelodeon overlords, that was one sacred cow Jhonen Vasquez wasn’t going after.

There’s about a billion utterly amazing Santa designs featured through The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever, but I dare not award it all five gingerbreads since they’re often horrific to the point of traumatizing:

I love this special, but it’s admittedly difficult to recommend to fans of traditional Christmas specials… At times, it’s hard to tell whether the writers are having fun with the legend of Christmas/Santa Claus or simply want to destroy it. For fans of Invader Zim, however, it’s a great episode. Not only is it filled with some of the most twisted Holiday imagery known to man, it seems they knew full well that this was it for the series and many a joke is made and the expense of the story, characters and overall premise.

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It’s not a question of “whether” you need to own Invader Zim, it’s “how much?” and “when.” This series is amazing and worth the time of anyone with the slightest interest in modern animation… although it looks as if Nick has stopped producing the DVDs. I had no idea since I bought the boxed set from Amazon less than a year ago for like $20… But it appears buying used is your only option so here goes: The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever is available on the Invader Zim Vol. 3: Horrible Holiday Cheer double disc set and within the basic box set or Invader Zim House Boxed Set that features an extra disc. Amazon sellers appear to be asking a lot, so shop around, and make sure to snatch one up if you see it in the wild… it appears like it may be worth more than you think.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
TOY TINKERS

TOY TINKERS
Original Air Date: December 16, 1949

SYNOPSIS:
Donald protects his nuts from a famous pair of fast-talking rodents.

BACKSTORY:
Donald Duck made his first appearance in 1939’s The Wise Little Hen looking a tad different, yet remained largely the same quick-tempered asshole throughout his entire career in Disney’s theatrical shorts (which extended nearly two decades longer than Mickey Mouse’s, I might add.)

Donald’s first appearance

Toy Tinkers was the last theatrical Donald short of the 1940s. It was nominated for an Academy Award but lost to Pepe Le Pew’s For Scent-imental Reasons.

BREAKDOWN:

To give myself and the dozen or so of you reading this blog a break from the usual post of screenshot-filled drivel followed by an Amazon product link… here’s the entire cartoon followed by an Amazon product link!

Yeah, I’m pretty gay for Donald Duck. But this cartoon spurred the idea for this entire blog (after sensationalizing Disney violence in a feature for GamesRadar.com) plus, it’s my personal favorite Disney Christmas cartoon, so eat that Flintstones fans!

M’lady

The same way people often associate Christmas with cold temperatures and the smell of firewood, I associate it with Toy Tinkers and Anchor Steam’s Christmas Ale.

You haven’t lived until you’ve killed your own Christmas Tree

Chip and Dale follow Donald home to steal his nuts (har har) but you’ll forgive me if I just post a couple of shots without ruining anything about this fantastic holiday cartoon chock full of great gags and wonderful music.

More wholesome than it looks

I’m going to go out on a limb and bet you’ve seen Toy Tinkers before. Disney loves including it on just about any DVD featuring a mistletoe and it’s included in damn near every Yule Tide sizzle reel produced by the company.

Adorable

But what you might’ve forgotten is all the gunplay which has been omitted from the cartoon in order to keep classic Disney characters safe for baby clothes. Either way, give it a watch. Toy Tinkers never ceases to make me profoundly happy.

As is usually the case, Jesus keeps his big beard out of Disney’s business.

Donald briefly dons the red suit… but it’s only to shove a gun in the chipmunks’ face.

Oh no! A Tobacco reference! SNIP-SNIP

I don’t care what today’s parents say: Gunplay and violence can too be funny, especially within the context of Toy Tinkers. Outside of that revolver image above, it’s made pretty clear Donald is firing walnuts out of a cork gun and the chipmunks are shooting fruit and ornaments. So shut up, hippies!

Okay, this image may require some explanation for kids under 10

The music is phenomenal as is the detail of animation, so it’s important not to overlook that just because the news tells us that children today are violent and brainless sponges. Toy Tinkers perfectly embodies the Holidays for me, and never goes a single Christmas without an airing or two in my household.

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Toy Tinkers appears unedited on the out of print and astronomically priced The Chronological Donald Volume Three. Oddly enough, Volume Two of Disney’s phenomenal Treasures series is still available at a much more affordable price… if that’s any consolation. Unfortunately, the Treasures series are the only place to find many of Disney’s finest shorts completely uncensored. If that isn’t a factor for you and yours, this year’s Disney Animation Collection 7: Mickey’s Christmas Carol features that and other Holiday classics like The Small One and Pluto’s Christmas Tree.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
THE SUPER MARIO BROS. SUPER SHOW: KOOPA KLAUS

ROBBIE THE REINDEER in HOOVES OF FIRE
Original air date: December 25, 1999

SYNOPSIS:
Rudolph’s well-intentioned but ill-applied offspring heads to the North Pole to fulfill his destiny as Santa’s chief navigator, only to find that he’s up against both a territorial Blitzen and the march of technology.  Will he step up his party-boy game in time, or have to return home a Prodigal Son?

BACKSTORY:
Robbie the Reindeer in Hooves of Fire premiered Christmas Day 1999 on the BBC.  The special was presented to benefit the charity organization Comic Relief, and it went on to win a prestigious BAFTA award in 2000, beating out such steep competition as Robot Wars and So Graham Norton.

Despite huge popularity in the U.K., it received a lukewarm reception in the U.S., where it was initially picked up by Fox Family and later sold to CBS.  Attributing its lack of appeal to the thick and varied British accents (and, let’s be honest, looking to score some star appeal), CBS re-dubbed it for American audiences in 2002, enlisting the voices of such Hollywood illuminati as Ben Stiller, Brad Garrett, Hugh Grant, and the famous voice actor Britney Spears.  Stripping the original characters of both their charm and comic timing, though, the U.S. version’s main value has proven to be as the clearest recorded example of voice-over work done through a mouthful of Cheetos.

The voice of Robbie the Reindeer: Father Ted’s Ardal O’Hanlon in the U.K., Ben Stiller in the U.S.

Robbie is the son of Rudolph, although that famous reindeer is never mentioned specifically by name. This allowed the production to play loose with the lore set in place by the 1964 Rudolph Christmas special. According to that legend, Donner should be Robbie’s grandfather, but instead she’s Robbie’s female teammate and eventual love interest.  Try not to think about it too much.

Grandpa?!?!

Although Hooves of Fire wasn’t technically made by Aardman Animations (the studio most famous for the Wallace and Gromit series), many Aardman staff – including director Richard Goleszowski – worked on the production, and their influence is readily apparent in its characteristic style.  Fans of the aforementioned limey and his inimitable pooch will find plenty to love in Robbie’s similarly detailed animation, vivid expressions, and twisted British sense of humor.

Two more Robbie specials were later created: Legend of The Lost Tribe in 2002 and Close Encounters of the Herd Kind in 2007.  And having never seen either of them, that’s all I have to say about that.

BREAKDOWN:
Our story begins with Robbie’s arrival in Coldchester, North Pole – home of none other than jolly old St. Nick.  Robbie is the son of a famous reindeer whose name we never quite learn (for copyright reasons, rumor has it – because asset protection is to Christmas as gluttony is to Thanksgiving), but if I had to guess, I’d wager that he probably had a very shiny nose.

I have no idea what this sign says, but I bet it’s full of dry British humour

Robbie’s immediately greeted by his new housemates and fellow sleigh-pullers: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome frat-boy Prancer; sulking sexpot Vixen; bubbly welcome wagon Donner; and malevolent alpha male Blitzen.  Blitzen can’t wait to welcome the famous Robbie to the gang, but something about his Jeremy Irons-esque drawl (as voiced by Steve Coogan) seems to presage evil.

Check out special-needs Beaker on the right there...

Apparently the product of some sort of genetic lottery gone awry, Robbie’s got a schnozz that’s part GPS and part seeing-eye dog, with a dash of ESP thrown in for good measure. And, like most celebrity offspring, he’s also overweight, lazy, entitled, and all too quick to embarrass himself on film.

What not to wear

Still, his heart’s in the right place – poor Robbie just wants to take his rightful place as the head of Santa’s sleigh team (and if he gets to bone Vixen in the meantime, well, so be it).  And with that Google-maps beak of his, he knows he’s got this one in the bag…

This hunk of red clay is smarter than Miss South Carolina.

Or does he?  In the absence of he-who-shall-not-be-named, Blitzen has been playing leader of the pack, and he’s not about to give up his throne without a fight.  Especially not to the son of some stinking red-nose who stole his thunder all those years ago.

Despite appearances, there is not actually a break-dancing sequence in this special.  Sorry, kids.

Robbie’s none too keen on the 364-day training regimen portion of the program as it is, so a scheming Blitzen pounces on his opportunity to encourage him to eat and sleep his way off the team.

Uh, Robbie? You’re doing it wrong.

But wait – who said anything about anyone leaving the team?…

Oh yeah – this guy.

The reindeer soon learn that a mid-life-crisis Santa’s gone and gotten himself a souped-up new ride, complete with a navigation system so advanced even Mrs. Claus could drive this thing.  And that means he’ll be needing one less steed to pull him to adulation, so it’s auf wiedersehen to the reindeer who is most unfit (criteria courtesy of local helping-hand Blitzen).

If you thought Santa’s calves were scary, wait ’til you meet this wigger

It’s a rude awakening for Robbie, who realizes he’s traded his legacy for a quarter-pounder.  So he does what any troubled celebu-spawn would: runs away from home and slums it with a blue-collar job in the local toy factory.

Octomonkey!

As the product of a life of luxury, though, Robbie is woefully unprepared for even the most banal factory work, and he undergoes a series of demotions that culminate in the humiliation of being used as a human (ah, reindeer) forklift.

And you thought antlers were just for giving your decor that special “Palin” vibe

Fortunately, Donner spots our familiar forklift one day during a factory visit, and she’s got good news for Robbie – she has a plan!  The way for Robbie to reclaim his place on the sleigh team is to win a medal in the upcoming Reindeer Games (sponsored by Hay^TM), thus redeeming himself in Santa’s eyes.

PSYCH!  It’s a dream sequence, suckahs…

But for that to happen they’re going to need a miracle, or at least a “wise old coach who can save the day.”  Enter Old Jingle, the local crazy-as-balls, older-than-dirt Mr. Miyagideer.

Homina, Homina, Homina

Jingle whips Robbie into shape with the workout montage to end all workout montages and, during a rare bout of lucidity, soothes his nerves with some sage old-man wisdom.

Aaaand Vangelis will be needing a clean pair of boxers

By the time the big day arrives, not only is Robbie a lean, mean steeple-chasing machine, but he’s also found new motivation in his spontaneously realized love for Donner (who’d been pining for him all along, but in that cryptic, passive-aggressive way that women do.  So, you know, he could be forgiven for giving her the brush-off.)

“I love everything about the person I’m going to change you into”

Still, it’s not going to be a trot in the park.  Turns out Blitzen’s ambitions are more A-Rod than Iditarod – he’s been juicing (apparently you can drink steroids now, which would have been nice to know before I had a forearm like a pimiento loaf…) to gain a hoof up on the competition.

Pop quiz: which one of these hairy beasts has bedded Madonna?

Fortunately, Blitzen’s ‘roid rage is no match for Rocky’s – er, Robbie’s – training (and general love-fueled mania).  Even after sprinting out of the park pre-race to rescue a prostrate Old Jingle from his poorly placed (read: on top of him) house, Robbie manages to return and chase Blitzen down to a photo finish.

And the winner is…Blitzen, by a nose!  BURN.

No matter – the Reindeer Games commission is onto Blitzen anyway, and Robbie could care less, what with the all-night romp-in-the-hay you know he’s in for (don’t think I don’t know that look, Donner…).

Yesssssss

So Santa apologizes in the best way men know how – by lending Robbie his wheels and never mentioning this again – and Robbie and Donner ride off into the moonset to the sounds of a Mark Knopfler song cheesy enough to plug you up from now ’til New Year’s.

You kids be careful, now, or it’s gonna be more than just your hooves on fire.

Awww, shucks.

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Hooves on Fire is available on DVD, packaged with Robbie’s 2002 follow-up, The Legend of The Lost Tribe. The disc contains both British and American voice tracks, but, in the biggest slap in the face since the Boston Tea Party, bills the original version as a bonus “alternate U.K. audio track.”

Hooves director Richard Goleszowski went on to work with Aardman studios on the Creature Comforts series, including this double-sized Christmas episode available on a stand alone DVD as well as the Wallace and Gromit spin-off Shaun the Sheep.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

IT’S CHRISTMASTIME AGAIN, CHARLIE BROWN
Original Air Date: November 27, 1992

SYNOPSIS:
For the their 36th primetime animated special, Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang revisit Christmas for the first time in almost 30 years!

BACKSTORY:
Does anybody really need to tell you that A Charlie Brown Christmas was huge?

Since its first airing in 1965, it’s been broadcast every year since, on multiple networks, and has pretty much become synonymous with the entire concept of the Christmas Special. To that end, it’s almost odd that it took Charles Schultz and Bill Melendez three decades to return to the well.

Seriously, this special made its debut at a gas station

Instead of forging an all new tale, It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown was adapted directly from numerous Holiday-themed “Peanuts” strips. This special also marked the first time a Peanuts special premiered direct-to-video – it was sold exclusively on VHS at Shell gas stations beginning in September of 1992?!

BREAKDOWN:
In case it isn’t obvious, I’m far less motivated to cover the “classic” Christmas Specials everyone remembers. They’re generally well worn territory, and often above reproach. Which is why so far, I’ve gotten more of a kick out of dredging up the ones that, whether good or bad, have fallen through the cracks. It’s Christmas Time Again, Charlie Brown makes for a great entry because it’s all of the above criteria, rolled into one.

Linus’ cardboard sled is filled with Yule Tide FAIL

Who among us doesn’t have a soft spot for Charlie Brown and Christmas?! By my count, fucking everybody. It’s Christmas Time Again, Charlie Brown, though, certainly isn’t the reason why.

However, I’d like to stipulate right of the bat: It’s not that It’s Christmas Time Again is bad – far from it, actually. In fact, should you have an interest in any of the other Charlie Brown specials that have aired over the last 50 years, you’ll find plenty to love here.

Santa’s helpers

Bill Melendez once again employed children instead of actors in the speaking roles, so there’s little-to-no change to the quaint Peanuts style of minimalist animation and low-fi sound. Plus, they’ve even resurrected Vince Guaraldi’s immortally jazzy score for its first appearance in a Charlie Brown animated special since the composer’s death in 1975.

Peppermint Patty refuses to do her homework

It bears all the earmarks of its classic precursor, so why did it fail to resonate with audiences and receive only a single airing on CBS? Well, popular older brother aside, It’s Christmas Time Again just doesn’t have much of a story.

Charlie Brown’s pathetic tree makes a brief cameo at the very end

The original Charlie Brown Christmas has surely benefited from being one of the first Christmas specials, but you also can’t deny its remarkable distinctness, especially in the way it revels in the depressing nature of the Holidays, abject failure, and the cruelty of children.

Sally rehearses her single line in the Christmas play…it doesn’t go well

It’s Christmastime Again doesn’t even bear the benefits of having poor Charlie Brown as a central character to constantly kick in the teeth. And since it was adapted directly from multiple three-panel jokes ripped from several years worth of newspaper funnies, there’s not even a central theme here; instead, you’re presented with a series of vignettes which, while funny and quintessential Schulz, don’t give you a lot to hold onto.  I’ll lay out an example for you:

“Where are all the candy canes?”
“Have you looked outside?”

HA!

The entire special simply rolls along with brief, dare I say Robot Chicken-esque, gags like the above, but it’s rather charming nonetheless. Even though there’s no unifying thesis at work, I’d still like to believe these are see some of Schulz’s personal thoughts on the nature of Christmas, updated for (slightly) more modern times.

A “credit card” is referenced as a rare reminder that this isn’t the 1950’s

Charlie Brown undergoes typical misfortune while trying to buy the “Little Red-Head Girl” a pair of gloves for $25 (a price I’d like to think was more reflective of current times).

Some punk ass kid mangles his inventory

And I couldn’t help but sympathize with him when he tried to sell his entire comic book collection to raise the funds.

We find out that the object of Chuck’s affection is named Peggy Jean

Whoops, turns out she already got the gloves! Now I’ll admit that that’s failure, it’s just nowhere near what we’ve come to know as Charlie Brown-level failure.

At least the gloves find a good home.

Chuck isn’t even the star here, actually. His sister Sally gets far more screen time, and she seems to be the one struggling with the meaning of Christmas, caught between her role in a Christmas play and the materialistic outlook of the Holidays.

Linus reads the Good Word from an unmarked Bible

Only Peppermint Patty’s parts retain that old-time Peanuts brand of melancholy, albeit mainly by way of her own ego issues wrapped in a Holiday shell, and you could say it’s more of a lesson in humility than humiliation.

Now that’s a Peanuts special!

Finally, A legitimate showing on the Crucifix Meter, which in fact was only included as criteria in the first place after rewatching A Charlie Brown Christmas. Once again, this one finds Linus reading lengthy passages to Sally straight from the Good Book.  Score one for Jesus at last.

None. Unfortunately, Santa’s an adult, so there’s no place for him in the Peanuts world. They’re consistent, to say the least, and I know I didn’t want to hear the guy “Ho, Ho, Ho!” through a trombone mute.

Plenty, although it’s still rather disjointed when compared with the special everyone knows by heart. I’d like to think, though, that the internet could embrace It’s Christmas Time Again, Charlie Brown in the same way they would a Watterson-approved adaptation of Calvin and Hobbes Snowmen comic strips. After all, it’s warm, and it should still feel altogether new since only the most comprehensive Peanuts fan would be familiar with its source material.

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It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown has been largely relegated to a supporting role as a bonus feature on the many DVDs of A Charlie Brown Christmas – good news for those who don’t already own that Holiday staple. I’ve included the Blu-Ray just because I’m deliriously overjoyed that the thing exists in the first place. The stand-alone disc, Blu-Ray and Holiday bundle all feature both A Charlie Brown Christmas and It’s Christmastime Again Charlie Brown, as well as a documentary entitled, A Christmas Miracle: The Making of A Charlie Brown Christmas.  Any way you slice it, you’re getting a lot of Holiday bang for your minimal Christmas buck.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
CHRISTMAS COMES TO PACLAND

THE SNOWMAN
Original Airdate: December 24, 1982

SYNOPSIS:
James is a young boy left largely alone in his countryside home during a a winter of epic snowfall. One day he builds a snowman for companionship, and as luck would have it, the thing comes to life! The two engage in lighthearted mischief until the sentient creature of compacted condensation eventually flies the boy to the North Pole for a party he’ll never forget.

BACKSTORY:
The Snowman is one of the few Christmas specials created in my lifetime that still gets significant play damn near every year here in the states. But more impressively, it has never abandoned its Christmas Eve time slot on the UK’s Channel 4 since it first aired back in 1982.

The air? They’re walking on it

Even when viewed from an animation landscape dominated by computers, the hand-drawn care and craft put into this Holiday favorite is evident right from the introductory zoom, which seamlessly take us across miles of snowy countryside and into the bedroom of our star – excuse me, co-star.

Go back to bed, second fiddle!

One of the ways in which The Snowman distinguishes itself is by being one of the only Christmas specials I can remember that contains no dialogue, so as to remain faithful the wordless 1978 book by Raymond Briggs.

Instead, this story unfolds through lavishly animated sequences directed by Dianne Jackson (credited with The Beatles’ character design in Yellow Submarine) and an immensely evocative score, composed by Howard Blake, that pleasantly punctuates the squiggly, crayon fluidity occurring onscreen.

The original book cover and a popular figurine produced in 1985

Though it isn’t altogether “wordless,” mind you, and that’s where history has buried The Snowman’s goofiest trivia tidbit! The Snowman originally aired with an uber-brief, live-action intro featuring author Raymond Briggs himself, who sets the stage before the scene dissolves into animation:

“I remember that winter because it brought the heaviest snows I’ve ever seen. Snow had fallen steadily all night long. And in the morning, I awoke in a room filled with light and silence. The whole world seemed to be held in a dreamlike stillness. It was a magical day. And it was on that day I made The Snowman.” – Every line of spoken dialogue!

Short, personal, and close to perfect. However, following several initial Briggs-introduced airings of The Snowman in the US, a few years later Americans were greeted by an all new introduction from none other than Ziggy Stardust himself: David Bowie?!

Odd choice… but it’s still BOOOOWIE! Click here to view the entire sequence.

On The Snowman’s 20th anniversary in 2002, UK viewers received another updated introduction from British comedian Mel Smith, which I assume was done to accommodate wide screen televisions. Still, it seems a little unnecessary…if for no other reason than that there’s really no point in updating the timeless. People tune in to see something familiar, something traditional. You’ve already managed to strike a chord with viewers year after year, so what’s the point?! NEEEERD RAAAAGE!!!

Sort of like a Calvin and Hobbes who don’t question authority

BREAKDOWN:
With no catch phrases, licensed music, or celebrity appearances you could say that The Snowman is nearly impossible to date. It’s a stone-simple tale of a boy and his imaginary friend that should have no trouble appealing to television viewers of all ages, especially when wrapped in the shell of the Christmas season. Besides, you’d think if they were going to adapt anything to modern times, it’d be the scene where James and Snowy steal a motorcycle!

Note: DO NOT CUT THIS!

Barring a little Grand Theft Auto (they returned it!), the boys spend the bulk of the 26 minute special engaging in childish hijinks, until Snowman experiences a bit of homesickness while playing unattended in an unlocked freezer (again, no edit please!). And that’s when things get batshit beautiful:

The Snowman takes young James by the hand and they zip over mountain tops, oceans, and several other landmarks I’d presumably recognize if I’d ever been to England.

It’s truly a gorgeous sequence thanks to the breathtaking floating camera effects generally not associated with televised animation of the day, and the hauntingly sweet song that accompanies the flight, entitled “Walking in the Air.” I could try and describe it with more incoherent babble, but you wouldn’t you rather just watch it?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spFJEIjBwFs]

Each and every scene of the pencil-etched serenade is astounding to behold, but this especially is one of those TV moments that never fails to give me goosebumps year after year.

The fact that none of the other attendees bothered to bring a human shows we have a ways to go in snowpeople relations

James and the Snowman land at what we can assume to be the North Pole, with a gaggle (I can say that because they flew in formation) of other snowmen in tow, just in time for the Christmas party to end all Christmas parties!

These snowmen ’bout to set it off!

And if reanimated clumps of weather drunk off their asses weren’t enough to delight the kid in all of us, James gets to meet the one and only Santa Claus…

You’ve all fantasized about it!

…who then chauffeurs James around the arctic shindig of hard partying snowmen as the guest of honor! And if that weren’t enough to send the 10-year-old inside you into a jealous rage, Mr. Claus even introduces him to a couple of reindeer before giving him his Christmas gift early!

TRIVIA: The name tag on that present is how we know the boy’s name

Oh, a scarf… The very same one you saw Mr. Bowie wearing above. But if you think flying all that way to the North Pole in your pajamas for inexpensive winter wear is a bit of a letdown… well, then you probably also forgot The Snowman’s ending.

mommy…

I was too lenient on Christ yesterday so 0 out of 5 Crosses! (He’ll get over it.) Whatever your belief in the man, can’t we all agree that until the savior adopts a better wardrobe, he is utterly ill-equipped to survive in an Arctic climate?

Big Time Amazing! It’s quite humanizing to see the big guy cutting loose the day before a horrendous shift. Plus, his first appearance makes for one helluva climax!

“WHAT UP!”

Wow! Our first 5-Baller! Though I doubt many of you will dispute me. If you’re my age, you’ve probably seen it a hundred times. If not, you can probably remember Nickelodeon running short infomercials for The Snowman on VHS year round. That shouldn’t really qualify it as more spirited, but for the purposes of this blog, it sorta does…

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The Snowman is available on DVD with the David Bowie intro listed as  a special feature, although many people have complained that the disc does not in fact include it. I can’t imagine that should hamper your enjoyment, but you’re free to continue looking since there are about a thousand different versions available. The book is a fine expensive choice, and I never knew that plushie existed so I bought it immediately.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
MISTER MAGOO’S CHRISTMAS CAROL