A Cartoon Christmas

The best thing to ever come out of the Super Bowl XLVI

cantista — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 10:44:07 +0000

Being a dork too easily bored, I completely bailed on watching “The Big Game.” Here’s 30 seconds that probably could’ve made the whole stupid thing almost worth my time. [GIANT CARTOON ALL-STAR SCREENCAP BELOW]

Of course, thanks to Youtube, I didn’t have to waste my time watching mutants duke it out on the gridiron just to enjoy this kind of bliss:

Click to enlarge

Whoa! As you can see, the insurance agency I know next to nothing about blew their wad on a little more than just Snoopy and Charlie Brown this year. Although they’ve cleverly omitted some of the more popular (more expensive) characters, you can see the B teams of Yogi Bear, Looney Tunes, Rocky & Bullwinkle, and practically the entire forgotten stable of Hanna-Barbera stars. Taking the cartoon back even further, you’ve got Droopy, He-Man, Mr. Magoo, Fat Albert, and oh dear god YES, Voltron, in full! More of this please! Really validates the continued existence of this site…

Dec. 25 – A Mouse, A Mystery and Me

cantista — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 19:20:03 +0000

A MOUSE, A MYSTERY AND ME
Original Air Date: December 13, 1987

A world-class mystery-writing teenager joins forces with an animated mouse to solve the mystery of who kidnapped Santa outside a shopping mall…

BACKSTORY

Ruby-Spears Productions is the brainchild of Joe Ruby and Ken Spears, former sound editors at Hanna-Barbera. At one point, they were asked to write for a new mystery-based cartoon show, which ended up being Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!

Zoinks!

They spun their newfound success off into their own animated outfit, producing such hits as Fangface and Fangface and Fangpuss and… just kidding, I have no idea if those were hit shows or DethKlok songs. But Ruby-Spears did actually work on such memorable fare as the 1988 Superman cartoon show, the 1983 Alvin and Chipmunks, Mork and Mindy, Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong Jr, Q*bert and Frogger, Dragon’s Lair, Space Ace, Punky Brewster, Rambo, Chuck Norris, Police Academy, and the American Mega Man show. Along the way, they picked up Emmy nods for Alvin and The Mr. T Show.

Shut up fool. I need work!

Once the RS factory simmered down, it juggled corporate hands, being sold (with Hanna Barbera to Turner Broadcasting in 1991, which then merged with Time Warner in 1996. In addition, RS produced a ton of TV special fare, like The Puppy Who Wanted a Boy, The Chipmunks Valentine Special, A Chipmunk Reunion, Robo Force, and today’s ultra-special topic of discussion.

Now do you understand how this happened?

BREAKDOWN

There’s not a whole lot of info on A Mouse, A Mystery and Me but it was aired during primetime on NBC in December 1987 and was sponsored by McDonalds. Ya know, there simply isn’t enough innocuous family entertainment sponsored by fast food these days…

Brought to you by childhood obesity!

I watched A Mouse on a VHS taped by my parents for years after its airdate. Up until just a few days ago, I thought these characters were a part of another series that I never got around to watching. Nope!

I always just accepted the premise of a ghostwriting cartoon mouse working with a teenaged novelist at face value. One minute of exposition? That’s all I need! Of course, that was again, only because I thought this universe existed. However, I can’t see how adults would be eagerly on-board for characters they were just introduced to, and that’s unfortunately the perspective I’m writing this entry from.

Parenting!

So, we get little Stevie Mumford walking around a city mall unattended trying to get a spot with the big guy. Too bad Santa’s gotta hit the head.

Santa’s dropping a Yule Log, kiddies

Meanwhile, Santa (Dick Van Patten doing his best Mel Brooks impression) is in a spot of trouble, which by the look of that face, must be of the financial variety.

“They’re gonna take my thumbs!”

Stevie stalks Mall Santa to a park bench and proceeds to lambast the troubled man with what he wants for Christmas. Eventually, Stevie mentions he wants his Dad home for Xmas but fears he’ll never see him.

“Seriously, kid. Do you have several thousand dollars?”

But Mall Santa’s a big softie. He suggests they share a hot dog together – in a very non-pedophilic way! – and strolls off to ease Stevie’s worries. Too bad – he gets kidnapped!

Bang Bus: Holiday Edition

Meanwhile, we meet Jill, a world-renowned teenage mystery novelist, her useless friend Amy, and a cartoon rat. Whaaaaaaaa?

Alex, the “Mouse” of the title

In a one-page dialogue scene setting up all of the exposition we could ever need to suspend any and all disbelief, here’s the gist: Jill gets credit for the books, while Alex ghostwrites the novels. Again, I naturally accepted this as a kid because A) I was stupid (kids are pretty dumb) and B) I thought this was merely a holiday special spinoff from a previously established TV series.

Basically a cartoon mouse means a lot of background plates being shot while Ruby-Spears Productions animates a mouse doing cartoon-esque things accompanied with plenty of Hanna-Barbera sound effects.

“Feets don’t fail me now!” *cue Fred Flintstone run noise*

Suddenly, Stevie walks in and figures Jill can help figure out why Santa Claus was kidnapped, since she’s so good at mysteries and all.

“Somebody stole Santa Claus!”

Note he said, “stole” and not “kidnapped”. That’s because kidnapping would imply some sort of ransom. Not here! Jill, Alex, and to a far lesser extent, the utterly useless Amy, agree to take the case because Alex wants to make Stevie happy on Christmas Eve. I’m more saddened to realize Jill and Amy don’t have family to spend their Xmas Eve with and are perfectly happy running to a mall for a stupid five-year-old, but whatever. I’m cynical.

A MOUSE, A MYSTERY AND ME WILL BE BACK AFTER A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR!

Back at the mall, there’s a Santa there. Jill talks to the mall managers, Martine and Sam.

Possibly the villains

Jill has Alex snoop around by riding a toy train to get closer to this newer Santa, which points to a tag at the Renta-Santa shop.

Pay attention again, kids. Cartoon Rat’s doing something.

At the Renta-Santa shop, they meet the sleaziest Santa Costume Rental Shop keeper I’ve ever seen.

He even calls them dames!

Eventually, the trio heads back to the mall where another boring minute of exposition plays out.

The old glass-to-ear trick. Works NEVERY time

Apparently Mall Santa may have embezzled $500,000 of the mall’s money. You know, for charity!

*notcartoon*BORING!*notcartoon*

Cartoon shenanigans! There we go…

I have no idea how they reach this conclusion, but Sam says Mall Santa did it and will now puts a briefcase full of jewelry into the safe. The girls get suspicious and ask Martine about the shady deal.

It’s Jerry!

Jerry, the Security Guard – whom we’ve never seen before – comes in and Martine tells him to let the girls have a look in the jewelry vault. Cartoon Rat (sorry, Alex) snoops around and does the ol’ Big Lebowski/rubbing on piece of paper trick.

Master of the blow job

But instead of a picture of a giant phallus, it says, “Lock ‘em up!” Now it’s a race against time to save the girls! Luckily we have one more action scene with Alex. Hooray?

Whatever

Apparently, all toy vehicles sprout tiny combustion engines and gas pedals if you’re small enough.

Not at all ripped off from Gremlins

Now that’s a fine how-do-ya-do!

The girls find Santa and Sam locked up downstairs. Oh, and evidently Jerry the Security Guard is on the take. He and Martine are the bad guys! Well, only Alex can stop them! He drops Jerry’s gun into the bag of cash, which TSA finds at the airport. Great job, Cartoon Rat!

A Fleshlight woulda been funnier

Meanwhile, everyone’s safe for some reason. Mall Santa has gifts for Stevie and the girls continue to spend Xmas Eve with strangers. Ding dong! Who’s that? Why, it’s Stevie’s dad.

Seriously, where have you been?!

Christmas miracle or Deus Ex Machina?

We will never see this character again. Ever. Ever.

Well, there was a Christmas miracle at the end, but Miracle and Coincidence are interchangeable in my book. ZERO CRUCIES!

We counted two fake Santas in there and a nod to a “real” Santa Claus at the end. The “real” Santa Claus is also interchangeable with Coincidence. One star for two fake Santas.

There’s certainly something to be said about two teenage girls giving up their Christmas Eves to spend helping a little boy find an adult stranger caught up in some embezzlement scam… I just don’t know how the hell to say it. So while Stevie fades away from the picture so Cartoon Rat can shine, it’s all done for a good cause. I think?

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A Mouse, A Mystery and Me has never been available on DVD or even VHS and probably never will be. However, Disney’s The Great Mouse Detective is a more than acceptable substitute! But if you’re absolutely jonsing for more of those cheap, stupid animated thrills that only Ruby-Spears Productions can provide, Mr. T: The Complete First Season and Chuck Norris: Karate Commandos await your purchase!

Author Shane Patterson is a Los Angeles-based writer and filmmaker. Follow him on Twitter at @paperthin0

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
GI JOE “COBRA CLAWS ARE COMING TO TOWN

2010′s Dec. 25 Christmas Special
50 JOYOUS PICS OF CARTOON SANTAS

2009′s Dec. 25 Christmas Special
TOP 25 CARTOON CHRISTMAS TREES

Dec. 24 – G.I. Joe “Cobra C.L.A.W.S Are Coming To Town”

cantista — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 18:47:26 +0000

G.I. JOE’S “COBRA C.L.A.W.S ARE COMING TO TOWN”
Original Air Date: November 7, 1985

Cobra pulls out the oldest trick in the book: Shrinking its operatives down to miniatures and stuffing them inside Christmas toys in poorly thought-out, Trojan Horse attempt to ruin Christmas…

BACKSTORY

Before G.I. Joe was a cartoon series it was one of the world’s most famous line of toys (and technically before that it was a comic strip in the 40s, but let’s focus on the toys for now). In the early 60s Hasbro decided the world needed more manly toys for children (boys) to play with; thus, “America’s movable fighting man” was born. The term G.I. Joe wasn’t officially trademarked until 1965. As America saw its way through the Vietnam War, the G.I. Joe action figures took a step away from war themes, becoming “The Adventures of G.I. Joe.” At the war’s end Hasbro attempted to ditch the military theme entirely and renamed the line “Adventure Team” in 1970.

The original “Adventure Team” is probably worth a good chunk of change these days

The 70s saw the not-dolls gain more lifelike features including “realistic” hair, movable eyes (frankly a very creepy addition), and the ever-so-famous “Kung-Fu Grip.” Those who had the toys might remember using these action men to do the most mundane things like, say, pick up peas at the dinner table or grab small tufts of the uppity housecat’s hair. It can’t have just been me. The toys popularity grew exponentially as the brand expanded and G.I. Joe became an international license. In the 80s Marvel picked up the franchise for a promotional comic, the success of which led to G.I. Joe: Special Missions. In 1994 both the main comic series and the Real American Hero action figure line came to an end, though the comics have been picked up again and again by several other publishers hoping for Marvel’s success. Marvel eventually snagged the series again in 2010 and picked up right where it left off in ‘94.

The Joes are the “ultimate weapon of democracy!” Honk if you love patriotism and explosions!

All these fun facts about the franchise finally bring me to the main point: The animated series. The main series ran from 1985 to 1986 and had a total of 95 episodes in this time, all focusing on the struggle between good (the Joes) and evil (Cobra, a terrorist organization set on world domination).

Get tough, yo!

Since its end, G.I. Joe has aired in several more adaptations including a few branching mini-series, quite a few video games, and some movies, though none are quite as memorable as the original show. Of course, the things we remember most about the show are the PSAs that closed off the episodes. “Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.” “Cobra C.L.A.W.s Are Coming to Town” is episode 39 of the 1st season and is perhaps the least Christmas-y Christmas special ever made.

BREAKDOWN

Conway Shitty

The episode starts out festive enough, with the Joes picking up toys for the kids at “Children’s Hospital,” because I guess nothing screams “covert government agency” like a toy drive where all the bins are marked with the agency’s name.

Easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl looks pissed

Just as the Joes are celebrating their bounty of toys, Wild Weasel- possibly the stupidest pilot moniker ever- attacks, driving the team into an outcrop of rocks so Firefly can plant fake toys in the toy bin while they aren’t paying attention.

Covert Ops!

I’m entirely sure why the Cobras didn’t just put the fake presents in the toy drive box before the Joes picked them up, but I guess if they were smarter their billion dollar plans wouldn’t fail in every episode.

Deck the Compound

Once the decoys are in the bin Wild Weasel takes off and Duke, Cover Girl, and Shipwreck return to base. Upon unloading the toys and even commenting on the rocking horse, NO ONE NOTICES ITS CREEPY FUCKING BLINKING EYES. I would have thought that was a dead giveaway, but apparently all their covert military training never taught the G.I. Joes to suspect the blatantly obvious.

Seriously, guys? That doesn’t look sinister to you?

Ignoring the toys for now Duke turns on the “Defense Grid” and the team gathers for Christmas dinner cooked up by Roadblock, but Mutt slinks away to whine to Junkyard about how sad the holidays make him. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who talks to my dogs like they’re people.

He won’t answer you Mutt. They never do…

As Mutt and Junkyard wander into the garage where the toys are stored, shrunken Cobras pop out of the fake toys Firefly planted and attack Mutt with mini-weapons and gas before destroying the defense grid, allowing back-up to break in and turn them back into normal-sized Cobras. With most of the Joes off-base those remaining are pretty quickly knocked out and the Cobras get to celebrate their (temporary) victory.

“A Trojan rockin’ horse?! We’ve been snookered!” -Mutt

When the Joes regain consciousness and find Duke missing, the Baroness reveals the Cobra plan in true confidant villain fashion and shows our heroes a video of Zartan impersonating Duke and threatening Keystone City. This elaborate plan was set in motion so Cobra could steal the Joes’ weapons and vehicles and make the world think they had turned traitor, which in itself isn’t a terrible plan; a little clichéd and easily foiled, but not as bad as some other Cobra plans.

“This is when I tell you all about our evil plans so you know exactly how to stop us.”

Cobra Commander gets to make a pun about putting the Joes on ice before they are locked in a meat freezer. Why he thought they would NEVER figure out how to get off meat hooks, I will never know. It is at this point that Shipwreck makes a joke about having a “meaningful relationship” with the slab of meat hanging next to him. I honestly don’t have anything to say about this, it just needed to be mentioned.

Don’t worry kids, he isn’t hurting the meat. This is how adults hug. You see when a grown-up man loves meat…

Normally the villain will stop after laying out their plan in detail, but Cobra Commander is one cocky motherfucker and in the spirit of the holiday he leaves the key to the Joes’ handcuffs RIGHT IN FUCKING FRONT OF THEM WITH A GODDAMN BOW WRAPPED AROUND IT. Because he was just so sure they would never slip off those hooks.

I was not exaggerating. That’s a fucking bow around the key to the Joes’ freedom

Shipwreck frees the other Joes but as is usually the case, they are informed it’s too late to stop Cobra’s genius plan. By this point, Destro has fixed the “Molecular Reducer Enlarger” that was dropped during the initial siege of Joe headquarters (because when Cobra makes a gun it has to be as fragile as fucking glass) and uses it to try to shrink the Joes with little success, though he does manage to hit Polly, shrinking him to fly-size.

Hey Destro, your, uh, gun is a little crooked

The Joes win the fight with a good ol’ fashioned dog pile. This isn’t really important but… come on. I wasn’t NOT gonna bring it up.

Quick! Jump on him while he’s distracted by a bird!

With Destro taken care of Tripwire uses the “Molecular Reducer Enlarger” (I will never get tired of that name) to unshrink Polly and the team takes off in Cobra vehicles, totally not noticing Polly turning into a giant mutant bird as they leave the building.

Yeah, I can see how that would be easy to miss

Since Cobra stole all the Joes’ equipment it seems only fair for the heroes to return the favor. Using Cobra vehicles they proceed to blast the fuck out of their own gear in an attempt to stop Cobra before it destroys Keystone City.

That’s going to be expensive later BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES?!? EXPLOSIONS!

Being the superior pilots they all are, the team takes out most of the Cobras, but not before Cobra Commander downs Cover Girl. Surprise hero Giant Polly literally swoops in to catch her before she dies in a fiery crash! Because there is absolutely nothing weird about that, or anything else that has happened in this episode.

Polly is going to need a big-ass cracker when all this is done

Polly scares the piss out of Cobra Commander (because who the fuck wouldn’t freak out at the sight of a mutant bird?), who ejects from his jet, taking Duke with him before dropping the Joes’ leader. Wanting to keep his streak going, Polly catches him before he meets his unfortunate end with the ground. Is it bad form to have the same rescue performed twice in less than a minute?

If you ask me it looks like Polly is about to eat Duke, but that could just be my ornithobhobia talking

I guess…. Polly saved Christmas? Oh, and Keystone City, but mostly Christmas. If there is a message here, I have no fucking idea what it is. Science saves? Build a Molecular Reducer Enlarger? Turn more birds into giants because they might one day catch you as you’re falling to your death?

You know what? If this is what science leads to then fuck that noise. I quit life

In the end everyone got into the holiday spirit (except Shipwreck) and I’m preeeetty sure Cover Girl and Duke are gonna bang later. I’m also pretty sure those kids at “Children’s Hospital” are never going to see those toys.

Get some, Duke.

Jesus was nowhere to be seen in this Christmas special; not an allegory, nor a mention, not even a Christmas cross.

Not even a little Santa. The poor old guy didn’t even get referred to once. I was really hoping to see Duke in a fat suit.

Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit quite like burly men with a hard-on for patriotism and valuable life lessons, however, both of those things seem to be missing “Cobra C.L.A.W.s Are Coming to Town.” By the end of the episode I felt like the only thing I learned was that Shipwreck hates Polly and Cover Girl definitely wants in Duke’s pants (but come on, that sexual tension is in every episode). As I mentioned earlier, this is possibly the least festive Christmas special I’ve ever seen. After beginning the episode gathering toys for underprivileged kids, the Christmas theme disappears after the first 5 or so minutes, only to return in the last 2 minutes of the show. I was hoping for at least one team Christmas jingle (Polly’s garbled attempt at “Jingle Bells” doesn’t count). I wouldn’t recommend turning this particular special into a family tradition, but I do recommend giving it a watch just in case you’ve forgotten how ridiculous G.I. Joe is, because from start to finish, “Cobra C.L.A.W.s Are Coming to Town” is one of the series’ face-palmiest episodes. I’d even put it up there with “There’s No Place Like Springfield.”

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“Cobra C.L.A.W.s Are Coming to Town” appears on the first disc of the G.I. Joe A Real American Hero Season 1.3 DVD set. Ultimate Joe completists can also pick up the episode in the G.I. Joe Complete Collection, which contains over 2000 minutes of patriotic stupidity. Oh, and there’s also a terrible movie too.

Author Anne Lewis writes for PlayStation: The Official Magazine and knows way more about the original G.I. Joe series than her age and gender would imply. Follow her on Twitter at @BDRAnneLewis

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE XMAS SPECIAL

2010′s Dec. 24 Christmas Special
SIMPSONS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

2009′s Dec. 24 Christmas Special
HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS

Dec. 23 – For Better or For Worse “The Bestest Present”

cantista — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 22:33:11 +0000

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE “THE BESTEST PRESENT”
Original Air Date: December 5, 1985

The Pattersons lose a priceless family heirloom as well as their shot of going to series…

BACKSTORY

For Better or For Worse premiered in newspapers September of 1979, but two years later, strip creator Lynn Johnston did the unthinkable. Whereas most cartoon characters are created as immortal being stuck in an indeterminate time, Johnston opted to age the characters in real time.

The strip’s title comes from the Anglican Book of Prayer

As a result, characters aged naturally with the rest of the world. Characters got married, divorced, had children, came out of the closet, and died as the Patterson family grew up and grew old. Being a strip set and produced in Canada, For Better or For Worse produced a short series of animated specials for CTV, starting with “The Bestest Present” in 1985, which premiered on HBO in America, and subsequently ran on The Disney Channel along with the other specials.

30 years and 2,000 papers later, Johnston announced a “half retirement” along with yet another unprecedented plan for The Pattersons. Their time line would be rebooted and classic For Better of For Worse strips set at the beginning would run alongside new strips set in the past, some of which would employ repurposed art from the original 80s run. This idea eventually fizzled out, and For Better or For Worse has appeared exclusively as reruns since 2010.

BREAKDOWN

I suppose it’s easy to be cynical about Christmas Specials like this one, but specials like For Better or For Worse’s “The Bestest Present” are pretty much the sole reason I started this site: To celebrate recognizable obscurities!

For one, I grew up loving newspaper comics. I’d even go as far to say, I loved them more than comic books. Hey, they weren’t always “Funnie” but at least they tried, while avoiding the super-seriousness associated with super heroes.

How ’bout a little animal cruelty in your opening montage?!

Yeah, just as we saw with successful Comic-to-Christmas transitions like A Charlie Brown Christmas and A Garfield Christmas Special (as well as the Opus’ unsuccessful A Wish For Wings That Work) Xmas specials have been used on many occasions as something of a “pilot” for comic strips. Or rather, their big shot at crossover, television stardom.

Furthermore, seeing comic strip characters leap off the page and spring to life with full motion and voices, is by definition: SPECIAL.

Not great, but certainly special

Did you ever read the Sunday Funnies growing up? I sure as hell did. I even had my grandparents save and send me the ones from their town newspaper because they had strips my paper didn’t. Okay, so you know how you rush to strips like The Far Side and Foxtrot, and gloss over shit like Blondie and Wizard of Id? Obviously, I loved the funnier, more cartoony, talking animal variety of comic strip, however, I always read For Better or For Worse.

Lawrence, on the right, came out as gay in 1993. No, seriously

I honestly have no idea why. It was rarely hilarious, and even got a little heavy at times, but yeah, I read it every day nonetheless. Perhaps, it’s because Michael Patterson was around the same age as me, and once Lynn Johnston started aging the characters, I got to kinda grow up with him. Actually, it’s probably more likely I just loved the look of the family dog, Farley. Ain’t he the cutest?!

According to canon, this dog is fucking DEAD

Anyhoo, this was The Patterson’s shot at television stardom, and it didn’t quite take, at least not in The States, anyway. And maybe, that’s one of the reasons: It’s Canadian.

The centerpiece of the entire special

Not that its northernmost roots should count against For Better or For Worse. After all, I had no idea it was set and written in Canada until researching the strip. However, as seen in A Cosmic Christmas and George and The Christmas Star, there’s an inherent stunted awkwardness present in a lot of 80s Canuck cartoons.

“The Bestest Present” also feels a tad restrained by the television medium. The characters are voiced with a corny flatness, seemingly inspired by Peanuts Christmas Specials, perhaps under the assumption that poor line reads are key to “classic” stature.

Delving lightly into bitterness

Worse still, there are glimmers of something real and original here. The characters seem to want to be a little meaner, a little more authentic to the modern family, but unfortunately The Simpsons had yet to appear and redefine what was acceptable for animated family behavior. Too bad, really, because the comic, at the time, went a lot of places both mediums rarely tread.

I’m no stranger to a rainy Christmas

I initially thought I hated For Better or For Worse’s special simply because it moves so damned slowly. But I actually think it’s got more to do with that it ain’t all that Christmasy! Some of it began to endear it to me since, as a boy growing up in Florida, it took me years and a lot of dumb questions to learn why the hell we didn’t get snow like everyone else on TV and comics during Christmas. But they live in Canada?! There’s more snow than air up there!

This is all your fault!

But yeah, not a lot happens. Elizabeth loses her rabbit while on a family shopping trip and almost the entire special concerns a half-assed quest to get it back.

“This is what a rabbit looks like!”

The only footwork comes from Papa Patterson, who heads back to the department store to look for the irreplaceable rabbit, made by Lizzie’s grandma, and fails big time.

Considering a divorce

So how does he compensate for his shortcomings as A Man? With THE CREEPIEST SONG I HAVE EVER HEARD!

Daddy LOVES his daughter

Meanwhile, some creepy old janitor found the bunny, and uses it as an springboard to spout off one of the nastiest monologues about Christmas ever. Whatever, he’s just lonely. And a janitor.

Christmas, Schmistmas. Nobody deserves shit

So we know full well where the bunny is the whole time, then it snows miraculously, and the kids all seem to forget about it altogether.

Better than bunnies!

But then Michael has the bright idea to put an ad in the newspaper classifieds offering a reward for the Lizzie’s rabbit. A nice sentiment, but one could construe this as For Better or For Worse passing off a biased pro-newspaper agenda. That’s their bread and butter, baby!

Lo and behold, the bunny gets shipped back to the house, and Elizabeth opens it, and a slightly boring Christmas is rather dully saved.

“I HAVE SEEN HORRORS YOU COULDN’T IMAGINE!”

At this point, I was running at peak cynicism. Girl loses stuffed rabbit, boy puts ad in paper, girl gets stuffed rabbit back. Seriously? Is this really interesting enough to justify, let alone sustain, a half-hour animated special?

Whoa, that is a pretty badass gift

But wouldn’t you know it?! The Pattersons end up warming the heart after all… They make a tremendous effort to reach out to the old fart and thank him on Christmas Day.

“Are we overdressed?”

And the kindest Scrooge ever is invited over for Christmas dinner! D’awwww

Okay, slightly redeemed

None. Canada has no such hang ups, apparently.

No Santa either, save for a department store robot.

Why hire a human being?

Sadly, For Better or For Worse’s “The Bestest Present” is an obscurity for a reason. It’s slow, sappy, and little more than an animated pilot that takes place around the Holidays. The ending got me more than a little mushy for reasons I’m not even sure of, however, I sincerely doubt this thing’ll make it back into homes as anything other than a morbid curiosity for fans of classic comic strips.

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Strangely, For Better or For Worse‘s “The Bestest Present” is ONLY available through its official site, but at least it’s cheap and region free. However, you can find several For Better or Worse comic treasuries on Amazon, as well as later animated adaptations.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
A COSMIC CHRISTMAS

2010′s Dec. 23 Christmas Special
A GARFIELD CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

2009′s Dec. 23 Christmas Special
A MUPPET FAMILY CHRISTMAS

Dec. 22 – A Cosmic Christmas

cantista — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 22:29:59 +0000

A COSMIC CHRISTMAS
Original Air Date: December 4, 1977

A trio of aliens lands on earth to investigate “certain” celestial events 2000 years too late in this forgotten, psychedelic Xmas trip…

BACKSTORY - WARNING: Strongly rooted in Star Wars!

Noticing a lack of Canadian animation production, two York University graduates teamed up animator Clive A. Smith, who had previously worked such notable cartoon fare as The Beatles’ Yellow Submarine, to form Nelvana in 1971.

You may remember this logo from YOUR ENTIRE CHILDHOOD

Nelvana began producing Holiday specials intended for worldwide distribution starting with 1977’s A Cosmic Christmas. This alien-infused animation piece caught the eye of none other than George Lucas, and Nelvana was commissioned to animate “The Faithful Wookie” segment for the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special in 1978, which just so happened to have the honor of introducing the world to bounty hunter, Boba Fett, two years before The Empire Strikes Back hit theaters.

Yes, this OFFICIALLY happened

On the strength of their sci-fi experience, Lucas eventually turned to Nelvana to create animated TV adaptions of the Star Wars movies, with both Droids and Ewoks in the early 80s. Following the difficulties with their feature film, Rock & Rule, children’s television cartoons became Nelvana’s bread and butter.

Boba’s first appearance

You may remember Nelvana’s polar bear log from such 80s and 90s entertainment as The-Get-Along Gang, Inspector Gadget, The Magic School Bus, Eek the Cat!, and MadBalls. As a testament to their contribution to animated Star Wars, Cartoon Network’s The Clone Wars has a planet named “Nelvana.”

BREAKDOWN

Wow, get ready, because this one of the more bizarre and beautiful Christmas specials I have ever encountered. (And remember, we’re approaching damn near 75 XMAS SPECIALS… so, that should mean something.)

Probably the most horrifying opening Xmas sequence EVER

A Cosmic Christmas, is one of those insane Canadian Xmas delights, not too dissimilar to the likes of the batshit nuts George and The Star, which also had its premiere on the CBC in the mid 80s.

Peter walks happily amidst pure terror

Sadly, this thing has become a relative obscurity. Okay… perhaps that’s understating it, because I’ve neither seen nor heard of this thing before stumbling upon it accidentally, plus it’s never been released on DVD, hasn’t been seen on TV in decades, and exists almost exclusively on incredibly out-of-print VHS tapes.

Raggedy Ann makes a cameo… and gets torn to shreds in front of a little girl?

And that’s a goddamned shame quite frankly, since this well made little ditty comes from a time when TV specials broke their balls to create something breathtaking and unique. Way above par compared to made-for-TV cartoons, in other words.

“Fuck you, I’m Christmasin’ here!”

It’s actually could be considered quite creepy nowadays, as it features a hyper-fluid animation style reminiscent of Ralph Bakshi, and begins with a most unsettling depiction of life and commercialism around the Holidays.

Here we see an awful child

As department stores are ravaged by the rudest of people, Peter and his goose Lucy wander aimlessly, having one way conversations with cynical townsfolk.

Jerk

He’s briefly tormented by a gang of classical rapscallions, but after stopping to bask in the awe of a nativity display…

According to folklore, the reason for the season

A bright light that slowly rockets across the sky!

Make your peace, humans!

Strangely, this celestial scene is quiet and subdued, whereas simple conversations with the mayor and police chief are animated like unbelievably nightmarish acid trips.

I AM THE MAYOR OF DISCOMFORT

The adults remain focused on their regular goings-on, and give not a flippant shit about the crazy glowing object in the sky.

Peter takes a spill as he heads home through the dark woods, and accidentally stumbles upon, you guessed it…

This space ship is brought to you by Sesame Street

Open Sesame (Street)

ALIENS!

We three martians are… confused

Out step three alien men, along with a cutesy hovering Tamagotchi. Although they certainly appear wise, there of no relation to the ones you’re probably thinking of. However, there’s more than a little religious flavor to this atypical special.

They’re actually here on assignment, apparently investigating… oh Christ, I’ll let them explain:

“2000 years ago, in the 79th Merveant, a transitory celestial phenomenon of the Murblurdian class occurred…” – Actual dialogue

While the audience is scratching their heads over the space jargon, Peter correctly interprets what they seek as “The Star of Bethlehem.”

“Listen up, dummies”

Given that they’re, according to both science and Biblical folklore, a couple hundred decades late for that phenomenon, Peter assumes they’re here to learn about Christmas. They agree, because doing otherwise would probably mean a shitload of space paper work.

“Christmas is about sales. And bargains!”

For a town we’ve already seen depicted as a dreary R. Crumb hallucination, Peter quite naively builds up Christmas with expectations far too high to pay off.

“Oooooh… I wish I was Jewish!”

He shows the three aliens around town, having them creepily peep into the windows of “Holiday Life.” Unfortunately, each and every time they witness a dystopian tableau that runs horribly counter to Peter’s Christmas outlandish Christmas campaign promises.

Even Lucy Goose and that cartoon version of Nite Owl’s ship from the Watchmen are horrified

“Is this peace and understanding?” the tree aliens ask, almost as if to mock the poor kid. Finally, Peter heads back to his home, where his grandmother is fighting her own personal battle on The War on Christmas.

Old traditions die hard

The parents briefly wonder where their son is on this dark winter night, but then turn their attention to Granny, who just won’t HURRY UP AND FINISH THE GODDAMN CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS ALREADY!

Looking upon Peter’s house as if it were the Eye of Mordor

Silly Granny, we buy shit during Xmas – we don’t make it. Now, this is actually something I can get behind. The concepts of Peace, Love, Understanding, and even Jesus are somewhat open to interpretation. But seriously, when was the last time you strung up popcorn, or painted an ornament?

Xmas… make it so

Hey, that’s a Christmas tradition I’d like to see return. It was fun, right? So the aliens oblige! Well, sort of… fashioning the perfect Christmas using the power of telekinetic mind bullets!

Wishes come true thanks to the burn victim alien

Okay, fellas… this wasn’t really what Granny was talking about. You didn’t actually lift a finger, and technically conjuring shit out of thin air is lazier than buying crap at Walgreens.

Sentient tinsel

Is alien brain food safe to eat?

But while those festivities are taking place, Marvin, the poor street urchin from earlier, has decided to steal Lucy and eat her for a Christmas Dinner. E’gad!

Eating someone’s pet?! That’s just low

Meanwhile, the townsfolk have discovered the UFO and are demanding answers with the lethal flashlights.

Mob Rule Lite

Marvin runs through the crowd, and takes a spill into some thin ice! And in spite of his plan to eat his best friend, it’s Peter who comes to his aid.

Mr. Freeze would know just what to say here

Whoops, Pete ends up under the ice as well. The townsfolk try to form a chain, but it appears they only had enough people in their posse to confront alien visitors from another planet, although not enough to pull two 11-year-olds out of some cold water.

Not enough

The three aliens are hesitant to help, as they claim to operate under some sort of “Prime Directive” that forbids them from interferring with other cultures. So… how do these aliens, with previously established otherworldly powers, liberate these two helpless children from their icey coffins?

Don’t mind us. Please continue your Earth Drowning Ritual

Perhaps by using the telekenisis displayed earlier to lift them from the water, maybe conjure a super rope, or possibly even heat up the water to melt the ice?! Nope… they hold hands.

And thus EVERYONE learn a bit of Christmasy togetherness!

Seriously, this town needs a better local representative

Marvin is briefly treated like the shithead he is. But then the town has a change of heart. After all, he was technically a starving child.

Poor wet bully

So YAY – the entire town heads over to Peter’s house for a big ol’ communal celebration.

Simply everyone was there

The three wise E.T.s slip away while everyone’s Christmasing, although not before showering the skies with a festive Xmas Goodbye!

Light up the night

Actually, quite a bit. The aliens are technically there investigating the events around Christ’s birth, and all of the other traditions witnessed are every bit as traditional and Old Timey as Christianity itself.

Other than a rundown, junkie-looking street Santa – None!

Really good! Usually, when Christmas specials disappear, it’s a mark of their quality, or lack thereof, but that’s definitely not the case here. IMO, A Cosmic Christmas is too damned cockle-warming, traditional, and visually striking – especially when compared with 1970s animation – to have just vanished the way it has. Scoring it a little higher based on its scarcity, since I’m sure those with an inkling to seek it out will not find themselves disappointed.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Shop Amazon through us – it helps!)

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Sadly, there’s no legitimate way to purchase or even watch anything but bootlegs of A Cosmic Christmas. However, fans can pick up used, and/or pricey out-of-print VHS tapes, including the “Nelvanamtion” set which includes other specials, such as The Devil and Daniel Mouse. For Nelvana/Star Wars fans, the new Star Wars Blu-ray set includes “The Faithful Wookie” as an Easter Egg, which marks the first time ANYTHING relating to The Star Wars Holiday Special has ever been officially released on any format.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
ED EDD N EDDY’S “JINGLE JINGLE JANGLE”

2010′s Dec. 22 Christmas Special
RUDOLPH’S MISSING 1964 FOOTAGE!

2009′s Dec. 22 Christmas Special
MICKEY’S CHRISTMAS CAROL

Dec. 21 – Ed Edd n Eddy “Jingle Jingle Jangle”

cantista — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 18:44:07 +0000

ED, EDD N EDDY’S “JINGLE JINGLE JANGLE”
Original Air Date: December 3, 2004

Nothing like a snowy cul-de-sac to give you the Christmas feeling…

BACKSTORY

Following the cancellation of MTV station ident-turned- series, The Brothers Grunt, animator Danny Antonucci was looking to break his trope of being an “angsty and edgy,” and came up with a kid-friendly concept: Ed, Edd n Eddy. Nickelodeon demanded complete creative control of the show, so Antonucci said no, and took the show to Cartoon Network, who were quick to pick up the unique idea.

1994′s The Brothers Grunt, MTV’s short-lived compliment to Beavis & Butthead

Ed Edd n Eddy fit snugly in the home of Cartoon Network, which had established a string of successful original programming in the “Cartoon Cartoons” programming (bringing you successful shows like Dexter’s Laboratory, Johnny Bravo and The Powerpuff Girls), and with the pilot airing in 1999, the show was a hit.

Whistle the song if ya know it!

Ed Edd n Eddy attracted all sorts of fans, but soon into successful airings, Antonucci had a plan to end it. There was only to be four seasons, but the suits at Cartoon Network demanded two more be put out. These seasons, where the Eds are shown in middle school, and not up to summer hijinks, are some of the lower points in the franchise, but still had the classic animation style that distinguished it from the midst of other cartoons.

Following the various holiday-themed specials, and a random tie-in with other Cartoon Network shows circa-2006, the fate of the series what up in the air. Season 6 featured only one episode, and it was unknown if it would be a full season, or would be essentially part of a season and a movie. Well, the latter came true, and the result was Ed, Edd n Eddy’s Big Picture Show, a sort of run-of-the-mill TV movie starring the Eds. Concluding that movie, the series is over, as is syndication and repeats is also over, save for this Christmas special below

BREAKDOWN

As a staple of my childhood, I’m glad that Ed Edd n Eddy was picked up for two more seasons, even though you could tell Antonucci didn’t pour his heart and soul as he did throughout the previous seasons. However, it seems pretty clear Antonucci had a fucking ball with the various holiday specials!

How about a little theft to ring in the new year?

It’s Christmas Eve in town, and the local kids are anxiously awaiting Christmas. However, Eddy, the local Scrooge, goes looking for his Christmas presents early, only to find he’s only received clothes for Christmas. Much like all of us at this age, Eddy is PISSED.

Nothing but the best for everyone’s favorite disgruntled teen

Meanwhile, at the trailer park, the Kanker sisters are celebrating Christmas in their special way, when they notice a light coming from a star. Cue Jesus moment #1.

The first of many, many Jesus parallels

Ed is excitedly waiting for Santa, sprucing up his room in the most Ed-like way possible, which basically means making it even messier. Double D (Edd) shows up, offering a poinsettia before Ed smashes it as you would expect.

Merry Christmas, from the town rednecks

Finally, Eddy shows up just in time to berate the others for getting shitty gifts, while ruining Ed’s gravy-cakes and milk for Santa. After an argument with Double D, Eddy concludes he’ll milk everyone for their presents by putting himself up for adoption (because that’s how it works), much to the other Ed’s chagrin.

Classy decorations at the “Ed & Sarah” household

First, Eddy walks over to Jonny and Plank’s house, only to discover that all of the snow in their yard is missing. After being invited into the house, Eddy learns that it’s one of Jonny’s family Christmas traditions to bring all of the snow into their house as a thanks to Mother Nature. All of the presents under Jonny’s Christmas tree are frozen in ice blocks, and Eddy plans to try and crack them open.

How people REALLY get into Christmas

However, a trapdoor opens underneath him and sends him down an ice slide, sending Eddy into Jonny’s front yard. Jonny comes out of his house and tells Eddy that Plank knew that he was only trying to steal their Christmas all along, and at these time cannot adopt Eddy in the end.

Here’s why Eddy is the mastermind of the gang

Eddy tries his luck at local Amish boy Rolf’s house, but soon learns that much like all of Rolf’s life, his “Christmas” celebration is filled with ye old traditions.

Yeah…. Amish Christmas unfortunately is upon us

The Eds are ashamed of Eddy’s and his horribly skewed view on what Christmas is all about, so Edd formulates a plan to show Eddy the true meaning of Christmas. (Jesus, these Eds are hard to keep track of. Those writer meetings must’ve been fucking insane!) Next, Eddy tries his hand at the local harlot, Nazz’s house. Dressed as sexy as Y7 can be, Eddy is flustered, but nonetheless goes in. However, when Nazz points out the mistletoe she has, Eddy spit-takes all of the eggnog Nazz gave him all over her, and is quickly kicked out.

As sexy as the Cartoon Network censors allow

While on his way to the next house, Eddy is lured into a trap where Ed and Double D await to show him the true meaning of Christmas, and with that, Jesus Moment #2! However, Eddy quickly ignores them, stealing the wings off of Double D’s angel costume, and proceeds to the questionably effeminate Jimmy’s house.

Gingerbread genocide, ladies and gentlemen

Eddy successfully fools Jimmy as a Christmas angel who picks a child to stay with every Christmas to show them the true meaning. Eddy’s trick works on Jimmy, but first, Jimmy shows him his gay Christmas cookie village, complete with a town square and all. Jimmy has to “tinkle”, and leaves briefly, just enough time for Eddy to devour the entire village whole. Jimmy, enraged, calls Sarah, Ed’s mean younger sister, who proceeds to beat the shit out of Eddy.

There’s such a thing as too jolly

Desperate, Eddy tries for the neighborhood jock, Kevin. Thinking it’s hook-line-and-sinker, Eddy awaits his present as Kevin goes to get it. However, it’s just a fist that punches him in the face, with an insult by Kevin to boot.

Kevin gets in on Portal technology three years early

Eddy is clearly depressed, and wanders into an empty field with a glimmering Christmas tree, but with one bulb burnt out. Remembering the bulb Ed put in his pocket, he fixes the tree. The heavenly aura attracts Double D and Ed, who inform him of his gracious deed. Eddy feels good, and realizes the true meaning of Christmas, so it seems. Then the neighborhood kids show up in awe, just before Santa throws a giant sack full of presents overboard his sleigh to the kids.

This is what happens when Jesus gets electrocuted

Eddy looks inside, and quickly runs to Rolf’s meat locker to horde the presents for himself. Ed and Double D confront him, but before the chaos continues, a mysterious wind blows away the door to the meat locker, and it is the Kanker Sisters, revealing their “mold, franks n’ cents, and furr” that they have found, making a crystal clear Jesus Moment #3. Fortunately, the novelty wears think quickly, and the Kankers begin to make out with them, hanging a sign on the shed door reading, “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL NEXT X-MAS.” Merry Christmas.

Apparently there’s nothing better to do than look at a Christmas tree… at least it’s unique?

The show definitely reinforces Jesus-isms like peace on earth and giving to others, and all that jazz, but this picture is what takes the cake.

This is what I’ll frame as my nativity scene

Although not the focus of the plot, Ed’s insistence that he’s Santa’s elf helper – and the fact that Santa delivers the children’s presents in a giant Christmas bag is enough to give him major clout in the show.

While the climax ends in a revelation by Eddy that Christmas is about what you find in your heart, it’s clear he’s fooling everyone into stealing their presents anyway. Plus, it ends with the Eds basically being forced to make out with the Kanker Sisters, anyway. So there’s that.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Shop Amazon through us – it helps!)

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Although often considered part of Season 4, Ed Eddy n Eddy‘s “Jingle Jingle Jangle” is only available on the Xmas compilation DVD Cartoon Network Christmas Volume 2 – Christmas Rocks. Which could be a good thing, considering Season 4 of the show has never been released on DVD, nor does it look like it ever will be. However, Ed, Edd n Eddy Season 1 and Season 2 are available, and purchasing enough of them could send Cartoon Network a message…

Author Dylan Tierney writes for PTFGN, FrontTowardsGamer, and TalkingShip. Follow Dylan on Twitter at @Phazon117

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
A PINK CHRISTMAS

2010′s Dec. 21 Christmas Special
GEORGE AND THE CHRISTMAS STAR

2009′s Dec. 21 Christmas Special
A CLAYMATION CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION

Dec. 20 – A Pink Christmas

cantista — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 00:06:37 +0000

PINK PANTHER IN “A PINK CHRISTMAS”
Original Air Date: December 7, 1978

It’s Christmas time and the world’s last remaining pink panther can’t catch a goddamned break…

BACKSTORY

The Pink Panther has a rather fascinating history, in that he was created for, and shares a name, with a property completely unrelated to him as a cartoon character. After Warner Bros. disbanded its theatrical animation, Friz Freleng, the man who created Sylvester the Cat of the Tweety & Sylvester cartoons, teamed up with former WB cartoon executive, David DePatie.

Strangely, DePatie-Freleng Enterprises got by doing commercial work, as well as basically freelancing with WB’s own characters, such as the Xmas Special Bugs Bunny’s Looney Christmas Tales, until director Blake Edwards approached them to concoct an animated title sequence for his upcoming jewel heist comedy starring Peter Sellers.

From the 1963 movie, The Pink Panther

At the time, some called The Pink Panther‘s title sequence, featuring the famous Henry Mancini theme song, better than the actual movie, and the studio fully recognized the potential after the Pink Panther’s very first solo short “The Pink Phink” won an Oscar in 1964.

Pink Panther’s first cartoon, “The Pink Phink“

Stranger still, the Pink Panther shorts continued showing in theaters after they premiered on The Pink Panther Show, starting in 1969 on NBC. Pink Panther’s TV show often added a laugh track not present on the big screen, as well as new shorts featuring The Ant and The Aardvark and even a Clouseau-esque bumbling detective character called The Inspector.

Bizarre opening to 1984′s Pink Panther and Sons

The Pink Panther was so popular, his shorts were a one time packed into a 90-minute block ridiculously titled The Pink Panther Laugh and a Half Hour and a Half Show, and after nine years the show moved to ABC for one season and recieved a handful of new episodes.

For the first time in HD in 2010

After the theatrical cartoons ceased, Pink Panther received three made-for-TV specials (including the one discussed below) and both Marvel and Hanna-Barbera took a stab at producing several Pink Panther series, the last one being the MGM’s Pink Panther and Pals, which airs occasionally on the Boomerang network alongside the older cartoons.

BREAKDOWN

Man, do I have a soft spot for The Pink Panther. His shorts are pretty average and somewhat repetitive, but screw it! I love his design, I love his theme song, hell, I love his insulation!

Unlike all the leeway we’ve taken with Christmas episodes this year, this here’s a boner-fide Xmas special, in that it was produced entirely on its own, away from a TV series, and aired in a primetime slot.

Perhaps you can’t tell when seeing stuff like Darkwing Duck and Rocky and Bullwinkle in picture form, but this generally means enhanced animation and story, as it’s built outside the production mill of a weekly TV series.

Gorgeous

Thankfully, Pink Panther gets that here, with a fluidity right between theatrical animation and cheaper TV cartoons.

And it’s a good thing too, because Pink doesn’t speak here, with the exception of a sneeze, which you can plainly tell is an uncredited (and probably unpaid) Mel Blanc.

A shitty place to live

So you know, on the rare occasion that Pink Panther has spoken, it’s been via Rich Little or Max Headroom’s Matt Frewer among others. Let’s keep moving!

Pink Christmas – They weren’t kidding!

And thank The Holy Holidays for the boost in animation quality, because no one speaks here, so a lot more needs to be conveyed by character movement and facial expressions.

Please enjoy this slightly discolored panning shot

To make A Pink Christmas even more “classic,” is based off of a 1906 O. Henry story called “The Cop and The Anthem.” It’s familiar, in that it features a destitute hero trying to find warmth and food during the Holidays…

But I’m not sure if any other cartoons have adapted and/or attributed credit to O. Henry’s story specifically. So either way, kudos to DePatie-Freleng Enterprises for not simply doing yet another It’s A Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol parody!

I know he’s docile but a panther’s instinct should triumph here

Pink Panther is essentially a hobo trying to stay alive on Christmas, only to be struck down by the cruelty of life every six seconds.

“That was my last pea, you dick!”

He’s harassed, stolen from, and kicked around for the entirety of the half-hour special. It’s not until he finds a Santa suit that there’s even a glimmer of hope for this poor asshole.

There’s a better option than nudity

A department store manager brings him in to be one of Santa’s helper…

Although, Pink is still fucking starving, and sadly wastes the opportunity of a solid paycheck by taking a bite out of a little girl’s cookie.

YEAH! Follow those animal instincts, Pink!

Even escaping the department store becomes a humiliating ordeal…

Give him a break – he’s the only one of his kind!

And he’s then mistaken for a stuffed animal and dragged around like child’s plaything

Honestly, it’s an easy mistake for a kid to make

With little diginity left to keep himself together, Pink resorts to less sympathetic measures: Outright Thievery! He rips an icey carrot nose out of a snowman, and the kids call the cops on him…

All this for one rotten, frozen vegetable?!

Which then drives him into the park, where he gets desperate enough to steal birdseed from idiotic pigeons too stupid to migrate.

Another googly-eyed hallucination

Pink then takes a brief reprieve from crime, with a genuinely earnest effort to go legit. He shovels a walk, only to be chased away by a fat human…

A failed transaction

And then hits rock bottom… a homeless shelter, where to find himself last in line during an apparent gruel shortage.

For just 10 cents a day, you could sponsor a discolored panther

And here’s where things get really sad…

Gone Gray! After drinking a shitload of dishwater

Dare I say CLASSICALLY SAD?! Pink sees prisoners dining on Holiday yum, and figures he can get some of that liberal treatment if he can make it INTO JAIL.

A whole turkey? With our tax dollars?!

But much like most of the cast of Full House, the dude can’t even get arrested! It’s not so much society’s fault – that’s not generally where giant cats get locked up.

A panther in prison seems more dangerous for the inmates

Finally he witnesses a jewel heist in action and tries to take the blame. To no avail, the cop is too simple-minded to assume a neon panther is the culprit and makes chase with the real perpetrator.

Hmmm, priceless heirlooms – HEY, A DONUT!

Luckily, the dumbass pig drops his donut in the fracass, and Pink is off on a new mission!

lol, missed a spot, animators

A homeless puppy is shoved aside, but Pink immediately has a change of heart and offers up the plain dohnut to the hapless pup.

We’ll die together!

Having dined on nothing more than a meal of moral superiority, Pink and the pup scamper across a town lit up with Christmas spirit, and make their way back to the park bench Pink calls home.

Not important! I just love this picture

It appears both animals have resigned to their lot in life, accepting nature’s cruelty and the ultra-festive winter gift of dying of exposure… but what’s this?!

We wanted walls and a mattress, but this is cool too!

MAGIC! The small park tree has caught fire with tinsel and Yuletide trimmings! Who on earth is responsible for this Solstice Miracle?

Santa’s raining pixie dust something fierce tonight, and leaves Pink Panther and the puppy with a Holiday feast that should keep both of them alive for another 48 hours or so.

Yum!

Just a tad in the a department store window during the opening Xmas montage.

“A messiah… Mommy, I want one – GIMME!”

Oh yeah! And this time he didn’t just save Christmas with material goods… he’s saved a couple of lives. Going up to five because I even love all the impostors!

Seriously, the glasses are KEY to any Santa costume

This is a pretty great special, albeit a little slow. However, everything about A Pink Christmas reeks of classic, from its literary source material to its silent, Charlie Chaplin-esque situations. Should you have any affinity whatsoever for The Pink Panther, you should absolutely seek it out.

PRODUCT INFORMATION (Shop Amazon through us – it helps!)

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Strangely enough, A Pink Christmas is no available on The Pink Panther Classic Cartoon Collection set, although a helluva a lot of other awesome is. The special is only available on its own stand-alone DVD, along with two other made-for-TV specials made during this period. And if you’d like to see more of Pink Panther’s big screen appearances, you could do a lot worse than The Pink Panther Film Collection!

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
A CARTOON CHRISTMAS PODCAST

2010′s Dec. 20 Christmas Special
MICKEY’S ONCE UPON A CHRISTMAS

2009′s Dec. 20 Christmas Special
A FAT ALBERT CHRISTMAS

Dec. 19 – A Cartoon Christmas Music Podcast!

cantista — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 10:04:29 +0000

Sit back and listen to the finest Christmas music this site has ever covered…

DOWNLOAD

Presented by Laser Time

FEATURED CHRISTMAS SPECIALS:
A Charlie Brown Christmas
Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire
Batman: Christmas with The Joker
A Garfield Christmas Special
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
A Chipmunks Christmas
How The Grinch Stole Christmas
Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol
Spongebob Squarepants in “Christmas Who?”
Community’s “Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas”
Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas (soundtrack)
The Small One
George and the Star
Twas The Night Before Christmas
A Claymation Christmas
South Park
Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town
John Denver and The Muppets: A Christmas Together
The Christmas Toy
Fraggle Rock’s “The Bells of Fraggle Rock”

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
A ROCKY & BULLWINKLE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

2010′s Dec. 19 Christmas Special
COMMUNITY “ABED’S UNCONTROLLABLE CHRISTMAS”

2009′s Dec. 19 Christmas Special
HE-MAN AND SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Dec. 18 – A Rocky and Bullwinkle Christmas

cantista — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 23:56:37 +0000

ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE “Claus and Effect or Yule… Be Sorry”
Original Air Date: 1961-1962

Moose and Squirrel head to the New North Pole…

BACKSTORY

In addition to designing cereal spokesman Cap’n Crunch, Jay Ward is also credited with creating television’s first ever animated series. Together with childhood friend and TerryToons animator Alex Anderson, Ward began a difficult battle to produce cartoons on the small screen, once thought to be too costly to achieve. in 1949, the duo succeeded with Crusader Rabbit, the first TV cartoon show.

Ever the savvy cereal business man, they managed to launch another show with the help General Mills, who were provided certain ownership rights to the characters and used to promote various food products. Meet Rocky & Bullwinkle.

Going into production as Rocky the Flying Squirrel, the show cut costs by outsourcing animation duties to Mexico, and Rocky and His Friends premiered on ABC on November 19th, 1959. In 1961, the show moved to NBC under the title of The Bullwinkle Show, and was for the first time broadcast in color during pimetime.

The show featured numerous other characters and segments, such as Peabody’s Improbable History, Fractured Fairy Tales, and Dudley Do-Right, so episodes were eventually restructured and aired on both networks, as well as in syndication, until 1973. Later generations would come to know the program as The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, and other variations thereof, as the show continued to run on Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, and Boomerang, where the cartoon can still be seen occasionally during the early AM hours.

Contrary to the characters’ longevity, the series was never a ratings smash and won few, if any, awards, despite influencing shows like Ren & Stimpy and The Simpsons. However, the duo did ultimately spawn a live-action movie starring Robert De Niro(?!?!), still have some presence in Universal Theme Parks, and was named the 3rd “Greatest Cartoon Show of All-Time” by TV Guide.

BREAKDOWN

Jesus Christ, I forgot how hard it is to follow Rocky and Bullwinkle sometimes. Obviously, I have fond memories of the Peabody and Sherman, Aesop & Son, and Fractured Fairy Tales segments, it’s just that… with all those interstitials, it basically boils down to the show’s namesakes appearing on screen for less than 10 minutes per episode.

I didn’t recall how disjointed Rocky and Bullwinkle segments can come off. For instance, this “Christmas Special” actually occurs across three episodes in a much larger storyline. Or at least that’s all I’ll be talking about. It takes place during the third season’s fourth and final story arc “Topsy Turvy World.”

Animation at its crudest and most charming

I hope you don’t mind if I breeze over any segment that doesn’t include the famous moose and squirrel. After all, that’s a lot to watch, and this show is more than a little dated, with the Rocky & Bullwinkle portions feeling particularly reminiscent of even more ancient radio serials. “Tune in next time to…”

Rocky looking pretty retarded

As a result, not a whole lot ever happens to Rocky and Bullwinkle in order to run their story arcs over the course of nearly a dozen episodes. i mean, at least the Peabody and Fractured Fairy Tales gave you a bit of resolution, to say nothing of context.

I think the episode actually takes place in May

I don’t mean to get down on the show. Yeah, there are more than a few stinkers and ultra-shitty puns passed off as attempts at jokes. But I’ve always admired just how fast the writing comes off. It may not have always worked, but the banter and delivery is unspooled at lightning pace. Dialogue is the star here, obviously to compensate for the lack of animation, but man… those dudes wrote their asses off.

Don’t worry, that’s a reindeer not Bullwinkle

Oh, and R&B was the first cartoon I ever saw to use the word “Sex,” so credit where credit’s due. According to legend, Jay Ward loved courting controversey, and even encouraged people to sue the show, stating something along the lines of “Please, we need the publicity!”

Global climate change

Evidently, the writing team behind “Topsy Turvy World” were particularly ahead of their time in another area: Climate Change! The plot involves the North Pole becoming so overwrought with snow and ice, it begins to drag the North Pole downwards, and the rest of the Earth with it!

I really hate that the DVDs add a fucking watermark

Boris Badenov’s plan involves turning the tropical of locale of Riki-Tiki Island into the new North Pole. But why, you ask? Take a guess…

Hey, can anyone draw me an Xmas tree in less than 10 seconds?

Somehow, the Boris’ newfound proximity to the Earth’s northern axis will virtually guarantee that he gets to become Santa Claus. Once the world rolls over and accepts him as Kringle, he’ll move presents up the chimney every Christmas Eve, instead of down. And how will he accomplish that?

Yuletide lead

GUNS! Lots of guns!

“Once I’m Santa, I’ll get to rob all the banks, see!”

Honestly, in no other special, cartoon, or short film covered on this site will you find quite as many lethal weapons used for comedic effect.

Speaking of weapons, Peabody & Sherman go back in time to visit Jim Bowie, inventor of the Bowie Knife

In short, Rocky & Bullwinkle, as a show, didn’t give a fuck. At this point in the series original run, it was running closer to primetime anyway, so it didn’t necessarily care about exclusively pleasing an audience of kids. Otherwise, how could you explain the natives?

OOGA-BOOGA

Are they offensive? Or are they just white people deserving of whatever mockery the world can dish out? I honestly can’t say…

Or did they alter their original cover for the DVD release? Doubtful. Check out the savages that precede Peabody and Sherman:

Nice…

Since I didn’t watch the first half-dozen episodes in the full story arc, I’ve got no idea why Rocky and friends are here in the first place, but there’s a captain and a scientist here, and they might be important later (but only barely.)

Wait, what happened?

Beg your pardon if I’m leaving out any details, but it’s not like the episode seems to have a problem with doing just that. Rocky, who just moments ago was about to be eaten to death, is now frozen in his cauldron-y casket, all because Al Gore’s prophecy has proved truer than we could’ve ever imagined!

Animation so cheap, it can’t maintain consistent color in a simple panning shot

YAY! In what is quite possibly my favorite gag in the entire arc, we get to see how the climate change is effecting locales around the world.

London!

Moscow!

“Shucks, we’re Yankees now”

Meanwhile, our heroes and villains finally meet up for the first time. Boris and Natasha’s operation is in full swing and they’ve got another plan to dispose of the oblivious moose and squirrel: A bomb, cleverly disguised as a Xmas gift. Who wouldn’t accept such an idealized present?!

However, R&B are so elated by the free swag, they decide Santa needs presents too, and regift it to Boris and Natasha unbeknownst to them.

Alley-Derp

Unfortunately, the natives are getting restless. The Riki-Tikians spend their lives shirtless and barefoot, so this climate change is really taking its toll. Anybody know where someone could grab something warm? Say, an animal pelt?!

More weapons!

Luckily, the cross-eyed captain does everything backwards, like polar opposite backwards, and he’s mistakenly loaded his tropical cargo with fur coats. Comedy wins again!

Climate Crisis #1: SOLVED

However, there’s still the small matter of, um… the entire balance of the world being screwed. How do they get the North Pole back to the top of Earth’s axis? The same way the government would sove an environmental catastrophe: With the most temporary of solutions!

A most literal Snow Telethon

Given that the North Pole slid down because of its own wintery weight, Rocky & Bullwinkle simply call upon the world to deliver more snow to the island of Riki-Tiki, so as to once again tip the scale of global balance.

It’s not offensive because they’re white!

Whatever, I love this sequence…

Silly, but this is literally how ocean sand erosion is addressed

And boy, do the people come out in droves, delivering snow from all over the world. And hooray, Earth is realigned, without so much as on gravitational catastrophe, or even slipping out of its elliptical orbit.

Santa’s elves can get back to work after a brief tropical holiday

Boris and Natasha drift away on a torrent of melted snow. Hey, what better time to open that present with bomb in it?

lol

Look, even I’m sick of joking about the laws of nature negating religious superstition, too. So let’s just say that this episode of Rocky & Bullwinkle contains more science than Futurama.

The real deal appears briefly basking in his new tropical climate. He actually looks happier.

The happiness of children is overrated

Perhaps it’s my bleeding heart liberal bias, but there’s far more of an environmental message here than anything pertaining to Christmas. Rocky & Bullwinkle as a show is certainly not without its charm, and the episode’s well worth revisiting assuming you have fond memories for it already. However, it’s cornball crudity will undoubtedly bore a younger audience, plus it’s nowhere near “Xmasy” enough to make it into your Decemeber playlists

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The Christmas portion of “Topsy Turvy World” appears on The Rocky & Bullwinkle & Friends: Complete Season 3 collection. This was the last DVD season set released for about five years, so fans should note that Season 4 and 5 have only just recently hit DVD, as well as a Complete Bull DVD set. Conversely, these DVDs may also infuriate fans, as epsiodes are reportedly rearranged in order, contain new digitally inserted titles, and most frustratingly, contain R&B watermarks on the for no reason. Dude, I already bought the DVDs – I know what the fuck I’m watching!

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
WOODY WOODPECKER XMAS CARDS

2010′s Dec. 18 Christmas Special
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

2009′s Dec. 18 Christmas Special
REN & STIMPY “SON OF STIMPY

Dec. 17 – Woody Woodpecker Christmas Cards

cantista — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 06:48:45 +0000

In keeping with our tradition of slack Saturday posts, here’s something born of failure and good intentions…

I’d reserved this spot for a Woody Woodpecker short, but guess what? I couldn’t find one, other than this 90s knockoff dubbed in German, and never slated anything in its place. What can I say – what good’s a comprehensive cartoons blog without at least a mention of Woody Woodpecker?

Fortunately, there are better animation sites out there, and Cartoon Brew managed to dig up these Christmas cards sent out by Walter Lantz Studios in the 1960s. Head there to see more.

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Yesterday’s Christmas Special
ADVENTURE TIME “HOLLY JOLLY SECRET”

2010′s Dec. 17 Christmas Special
THE SPONGEBOB CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

2009′s Dec. 17 Christmas Special
PLUTO’S CHRISTMAS TREE