THE TOP 25 CARTOON CHRISTMAS TREES
From our favorite Animated Christmas Specials!

As a Christmas gift to both myself and A Cartoon Christmas’s dozen or so readers, we’re going to avoid the usual grammatically-challenged diatribe and skip right to the good stuff: Christmas trees! Who among us doesn’t experience a warming jolt to the cockles at the mere site of tinsel and lights on an evergreen canvas?! (Admit it, Jews… you’re totally jealous!) Please enjoy our final post of 2009… and please do click the images to see an in-depth description of each Christmas special and a shitload of pictures. See ya next year!

25. THE INAUGURAL CHRISTMAS TREE

Mister Magoo’s Christmas Carol (1962)

24. THE SILENT CHRISTMAS TREE

The Snowman (1982)

23. THE PUFFIN’S CHRISTMAS TREE

A Wish For Wings That Work (1991)

22. THE BATTLEGROUND CHRISTMAS TREE

The Christmas Toy (1986)

21. THE IMPRISONED CHRISTMAS TREE

Raggedy Ann & Andy in The Great Santa Claus Caper (1978)

20. THE ARCADE CHRISTMAS TREE

Christmas Comes to Pac-Land

19. THE SECOND CHANCE CHRISTMAS TREE

It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown (1992)

18. THE TERRIFYING MEXICAN CHRISTMAS TREE

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus (1993)

17. THE ABOMINABLE CHRISTMAS TREE

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

16. THE ABSENT CHRISTMAS TREE

Robbie the Reindeer in Hooves on Fire (1999)

15. THE CORNBALL CHRISTMAS TREE

The Super Mario Bros. Super Show: Koopa Klaus (1989)

14. THE CHRISTMAS TREE THAT EXPLODED

Toy Tinkers (1949)

13. THE MOST SADISTIC CHRISTMAS TREE

Invader Zim: The Most Horrible Xmas Ever (2002)

12. THE SILLY CREATURE’S CHRISTMAS TREE

Fraggle Rock: The Bells of Fraggle Rock (1984)

11. THE REVISIONIST CHRISTMAS TREE

Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town (1970)

10. THE CHRISTMAS TREE OF FORMER GLORY

Bugs Bunny’s Looney Christmas Tales (1979)

9. THE RODENT-INFESTED CHRISTMAS TREE

Pluto’s Christmas Tree (1952)

8. THE CHRISTMAS TREE THAT FIRED THE CREATOR

Ren & Stimpy: Son of Stimpy (1993)

7. THE DUMBASS ETERNIA CHRISTMAS TREE

He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985)

6. THE JUNKYARD CHRISTMAS TREE

A Fat Albert Christmas Special (1977)

5. THE CLAYMATION^TM CHRISTMAS TREE

A Claymation Christmas Celebration (1987)

4. THE CHRISTMAS TREE OF ULTIMATE REDEMPTION

Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983)

3. THE CHRISTMAS TREE OF INFINITE SONG

A Muppet Christmas Carol (1987)

2. THE ENDANGERED CHRISTMAS TREE

How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966)

1. THE PATHETIC CHRISTMAS TREE

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

Oh well, Chuck… maybe next year.

Merry Christmas,
-C & H

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS!
Original Air Date: December 18, 1966

SYNOPSIS:
A twisted green wretch seeks to ruin Christmas for a race of singing rodent-creatures.

BACKSTORY:
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is based on a 64-page book written and illustrated in 1957 by Theodor Geisel, better known to the world as Dr. Seuss – the pseudonym he adopted to contribute to his college paper after getting caught drinking during Prohibition.

Seuss wrote a handful of children’s books in the late 30’s before turning his attention toward the war effort, penning hundreds of left-wing political cartoons for periodicals. He also served as the uncredited writer on a series of propaganda shorts intended for soldiers overseas, one of the best of which was Warner Bros. animation’s Private Snafu.

Private Snafu and Clampett’s Horton Hatches the Egg from 1942

During WWII, George Pal, Terrytoons and Bob Clampett took stabs at adapting Seuss’ material into cartoons, and Gerald McBoing-Boing even won United Productions of America an Oscar in 1951 for Best Animated Short. But in the years after  WII, Seuss renewed his focus on creating books and for the next fifteen years was notoriously reluctant to have his characters appear in any other format.

Adapted into a live-action travesty in 2000

It took veteran Warner Bros. animation director Chuck Jones – Suess’ collaborator on the Snafu shorts – to finally convince the author to return to animation. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! premiered on CBS and ran annually on the network for the next two decades. Today it’s shown across numerous channels, and has the distinction of being one of the few Christmas specials aired multiple times in a single year.

BREAKDOWN:
I don’t think anyone will argue with me when I say that How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is the definitive Dr. Seuss adaptation. Grinch set the bar for exactly how you’re supposed to depict oblong environments in poetic pentameter, and as a result, has shown remarkable longevity against all other Seuss cartoons.

Christmas? Not a fan

Beyond this classic special, most people my age are more familiar with the animated works that followed – a favorite of mine being The Lorax – but you’ll get a far better sense of just how well The Grinch translates the author’s work onto the screen if you’ve ever watched the cartoons listed above that predated it.

Just outside of What-city

The Holiday staple is the product of nearly two decades of valiant attempts at Seuss animation, and you can definitely see why the author was so reluctant to bother with the medium of cartoons, in spite of the fact that he had helped to pioneer them during the war.

Admit it: You wished you lived here

I know most people haven’t seen the Private Snafu shorts. (Understandable, since most of us didn’t have the pleasure of serving as soldiers abroad during World War II.)  But despite being comparatively  frightening and risqué, they were actually the most representative of Seuss’ style on the page, until The Grinch came along.

Obviously, this is due to Seuss’ direct involvement in the production. And thanks to the help of friend and former co-worker Chuck Jones, the cartoon is ridiculously faithful to the source material, with nearly ever damned word taken directly from the book.

The only Who you’ll hear

Albert Hague, who played Mr. Shorofsky in Fame, composed the famous music, but the good doctor himself is responsible for the childishly grotesque and nonsensical lyrics.

Seussian toy names were added for the special

It’s truly the perfect companion piece to the book, which is something I cannot say about that idiotic Ron Howard movie of the same name… Two fucking hours, elongated by an unnecessary Grinch origin story, too much time in Whoville and dark, dreary effects that can hardly be called “special.”

An impression of me listening to any version of “12 Days of Christmas”

The cartoon works without all of that, because as Chuck Jones himself said, “everyone hates Christmas a little bit.” Even adults sullied by the shitty weather or Wal-Mart fistfights over the last Elmo doll can experience a Holiday heart enlargement with every viewing. And kids today remain dazzled by the all 70,000 hand-drawn cells strung together by one of the most expressive animators of all time.

Unlike the movie, the cartoon only features three cast members (outside of the singers.) Best known for his portrayal of some of the most iconic monsters in silver screen history, Boris Karloff adds a sinister warmth to The Grinch through his transformation.

Distinctly Chuck Jones

And to Karloff’s further credit, his sing-songy narration is the next-best thing to having the book read aloud to you in a cozy winter bed – whimsically lending the story all the timelessness of a rich folk tale.

Every cowboy needs a horse

The only other onscreen character with any lines is Cindy Lou Who, voiced by June Foray (also known for her work in Rocky and Bullwinkle). She remains uncredited to this day due to a simple production oversight, as does a man who deserves every bit as much credit as Karloff gets for The Grinch’s portrayal.

A Screen Actors Guild nightmare

As hard as it is to believe that somebody manually designing the credits scroll could forget to mention such a crucial aspect of the production… it happened, and it’s a big one. After all, the first thing that comes to mind upon the slightest whisper of “Grinch,” is the baritone lyrics, mightily bellowed out by Thurl Ravensoft.

That train looks straight out of a Dr. Suess book

Whereas the stupid live-action movie forced us to endure the Grinch as a tormented child, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” playfully establishes everything we need to know about the character, without the need for empathy.

Everything must go!

The lyrics endure as disgustingly evocative in a manner most juvenile, and the descriptive tune is among the most famous things on Ravensoft’s lengthy bio… Pretty impressive for a guy who also voiced Tony the Tiger for over fifty years, and moaned the immortal phrase of Snoopy’s rejection, “No Dogs Allowed.”

“Why no, I’m merely borrowing Christmas”

Why does he remain uncredited? Well, for one, it’s almost common knowledge.  Seuss himself was so mortified about the oversight that he mailed letters to publications all over America politely asking editors to, please, acknowledge the man behind the voice. And you could say most have obliged ever since.

The “Sinful Sot” listens in

Additionally, the omission stands because How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is beyond reproach, like the Star Wars of Christmas specials… okay, really bad example. But The Grinch is considered such a sacred American tome that even the slightest tampering would be considered an infraction of the highest caliber, as the only thing ever removed from the special were the Seuss-inspired bookend sponsor bumpers by the Foundation of Full Bank Services.

This song kills fascists

That said, you I hope you can see why I didn’t bother with a detailed plot synopsis. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! has been aired on television more than any other Christmas special, and the movie currently holds the box office record of highest-grossing Christmas movie of all time (in spite of being largely terrible).

NEVERMIND!

Shit, I’d like to meet a single person who isn’t familiar with the Grinch, if only so I could plunk them down, pry open their eyelids and force them to watch it for the first time. FYI: Even my Microsoft word recognizes the word Seuss, made up out of thin air!

How’zat for an ending?!

No overt reference is made to Christ, but once Grinchy strips away all of the telltale signs of an irreligious Christmas, you could interpret the glowing, star-like object seen with the Whos as the embodiment of the Son of God…

…but that’d probably be stupid.

Not specifically, but with all the Kringle imagery afoot, you can’t deny that The Grinch is still an approximation of Santa Claus, even if he is an evil doppelganger.

Yuletide Redemption

Just so you know, I haven’t seen How the Grinch Stole Christmas! in a couple of years, and I made it a point to view it after watching so many other Christmas-themed gems and gallstones. Thus, I can proudly exclaim with utmost authority: How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is the most perfect twenty-six minutes anyone can endure between November 30th and December 25th. And speaking as practical atheist, the special makes me feel bad, even mortified, for anybody involved in a religion too repressive to celebrate Christmas. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is just so colorful, catchy and wonderful-to-behold, even Hebrews gots ta shout!

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There’s an existing version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas! with a more green cover that you’ll want to avoid. The Deluxe Edition is what you want. It’s got many of the the bonus features from the previous edition, plus a couple new ones, and Warner has done a little color restoration after some complaints about the previous edition. If you’re High-Def equipped, you’ll definitely need the relatively inexpensive Blu-Ray. And how can I not recommend the book?! It makes a great, cheap-ass Christmas gift for even the most impossible-to-shop-for on your list.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
A MUPPET FAMILY CHRISTMAS

A MUPPET FAMILY CHRISTMAS
Original Air Date: December 16, 1987

SYNOPSIS:
Nearly every Muppet ever created comes together under one roof for a very cliched Christmas.

BACKSTORY:
In case you didn’t already know, the word “Muppet” is a hybrid of the words “marionette” and “puppet,” and should instantly conjure images a man named Jim Henson, and the brightly-colored cloth creations he gave to the world.

Early versions of Rowlf, Kermit, and Jim Henson

It’s hard to nail down when exactly what we now know as “The Muppets” first started. A barely-recognizable version of Kermit was seen on a Washington D.C. NBC affiliate as far back as 1955, on Henson’s first show Sam and Friends. However, Rowlf the piano-playing dog was the first to gain stardom, thanks to his popular appearances in Purina dog food commercials and on The Jimmy Dean Show in 1963. Sesame Street began airing in 1969, although without any of the characters, aside from Kermit, that we associate with The Muppet Show, which came seven years later.

See Gobo back there?

None of that’s important, anyway. The fact remains that A Muppet Family Christmas is the culmination of Henson’s unprecedented success. With at least four separate Muppeted shows airing on television simultaneously, this Christmas special is the one and only occasion when the stars of all of them came together in a single production.

Unfortunately, no official uncut version of the program is available for sale, and likely never will be. Several songs licensed only for television are presented, and The Jim Henson Company currently retains rights to only the Fraggles, with Sesame Street owned by The Children’s Television Workshop and The Muppets now being the property of Disney. Television is the only place you can hope to see the special in its entirety, yet the broadcast version, too, has seen many cuts over the years – due to remastering, added footage and extended commercial breaks.

BREAKDOWN:
You know those Christmas special parodies where celebrities find an excuse to stop by a snowed in cabin just to sing songs? I’m too young to be entirely sure of what exactly they’re sending up, aside from some vague notion of Dean Martin or Andy Williams doing something to that effect years before I was born.

Fozzie, quite rudely, brings the entire cast of The Muppet Show over for Christmas at his mother’s without so much as calling ahead

Stephen Colbert did one last year. Shit, I just made one too, which is a pretty good indication that spoofing that Old-Timey Christmas special is no longer even remotely clever. If that’s the case, Jim Henson studios didn’t get the memo.

Fraggle Rock’s Doc and Sprocket have rented a room in the hopes of finding some holiday peace and quiet

I know I’ve said the same about adapting A Christmas Carol, but as far as Christmas specials go, the singing-cameo formula is definitely the bare minimum you can do creatively. Especially when it’s done straight-faced, without a hint of irony. So keeping in mind that this came from the people responsible for some of the greatest Holiday specials ever made, yes, A Muppet Family Christmas is a bit of a letdown.

Miss Piggy is held up by a photo shoot

It wouldn’t say it flat-out sucks, mind you. But while I certainly remember looking forward to each and every airing as a kid, I also remember boredom setting in within minutes.

Gonzo tips a turkey off about Swedish Chef’s plans to cook him

Of course, I have a slightly different appreciation for it now. I’d grown up with these colorful characters. Even my parents liked the Muppets, or at least had some history with them and found them more tolerable than the majority of the 80’s children’s entertainment cesspool.

Fraggle Rock is located under Mama Fozzie’s house apparently…who knew?

That kind of universal appeal is a remarkable feat in and of itself, but the sheer number of shows Henson had concurrently running on television is nothing short of astounding.

One of many momentous meetings

Sesame Street was still a revered standard. Fraggle Rock was popular enough in 1987 to receive a (horrible) animated spin-off series. Muppets Take Manhattan had been well received in theaters, and Ted Turner was about to launch TNT on a sturdy backbone of Muppet Show reruns. And Muppet Babies was in the middle of an outrageously popular six-year streak, having just been extended to 90 minutes on CBS Saturday mornings.

The gang watches a home movie starring the live-action Muppet Babies from Muppets Take Manhattan, on which the cartoon series was based

And A Muppet Family Christmas was to be the instance where they’d all appear in the same place, at the same time, for the first time ever!!! “HOLY SHIT!” exclaimed my prepubescent brain, “Oh, man… I wonder what they’ll say to one another… what kind of adventures they’ll have?!”

Electric Mayhem’s performance of “Jingle Bell Rock” is a triple-edged sword

Well… they’ll just be singing songs, apparently.

Even more bad comedy would’ve been nice

Not that there’s anything wrong with a Holiday song showcase, even if it’s not my cup of tea. But when you look at the Christmas specials that have become Holiday standards, none of them revolve around the sole act of singing classic Christmas songs (fortunately).

Gonzo and the Jive Turkey square off for the affections of Camilla

For example, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was based off of that titular Johnny Marks song, and Marks still wrote new songs for that special that would go on to become cherished standards. Even Henson’s other Christmas specials featured numerous original tunes, one of which is reprised here!

The Sesame Street gang shows up a’Carolin’

It’s undeniable that by Emmet Otter and Christmas Toy standards, and so A Muppet Family Christmas is pretty damned dull and uninspired by comparison. It’s not that the songs are bad… they’re just way too abundant. There’s very little dialogue, almost no attempt at comedy, and as you can see, the whole shebang is easily summed up in screen shots alone.

Doc is informed that his name starts with the letter ‘D’

I don’t mean to downplay the feat of assembling all the Muppets in a single room. That’s why I’m showcasing the special in the first place: I recognize that this gathering of epic proportions is truly a resplendent spectacle to behold.

The Turkey convinces Chef to cook a bigger bird…

The internets thought this joke was hilarious, even though Henson did it twenty years ago

I’m a giant Muppet dork and I can name at least a hundred characters who appear here just off the top of my head. So, I can only imagine a substantial part of the budget went into the feat of puppeteering all of these beloved creatures at once…

Kings of refuse

Because it certainly didn’t go into the writing. That’s part of what pisses me off about the special to begin with…

Snowed-in guests from Sesame Street perform “Twas the Night Before Christmas” as payment for their stay

Many notable characters never do, or say, anything. Granted, Elmo wasn’t yet the shining star of Sesame Street, but he’s completely silent in the two versions I’ve watched.

TRIVIA! The Elmo puppet has been around since the early 70’s, although he was referred to as “Baby Monster” until 1980. Four years later, Elmo was given his distinctive voice by Kevin Clash, and he’s gone on to become one of the most prolific Muppets of all time. In A Muppet Family Christmas, he never says a word.

Multiple versions, you say? Oh yeah… I won’t fault Henson for the lack of foresight into licensing music rights for home video, but it infuriates me that the very element that brought down the entire special, is also what made a definitive version unattainable.

Last Muppets Standing

Reportedly, no version of Muppet Family Christmas ever available for sale has been presented uncut.  Renewing the rights to many of the songs proved too expensive beyond television – the only place where the special can be shown in its entirety and still isn’t due to longer commercial breaks! – so there were almost literally dozens of truncated Muppet Family Christmas DVDs available in numerous territories with distinctly different edits.

Almost the entire Muppet Babies sequence is cut from the DVD due to music rights

Not that this matters anymore anyway… A Muppet Family Christmas has been discontinued on DVD and will most likely never be available to own again in any capacity. So, while I actually do believe Sesame Street and The Muppets are in good hands with their respective new owners, I sense something a little shadier in afoot here…

Smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em

Given the time frame, Jim Henson was certainly in negotiations with Disney to acquire the Muppets at the time that A Muppet Family Christmas was created… And the special certainly reeks of something hastily assembled. So I’d speculate that it may have been made because many of the characters had a price tag on their heads and Henson knew this was probably his last chance to cash in on an epic crossover to end all crossovers.

Creepy: Kermit and Disney CEO Michael Eisner introduced A Muppet Family Christmas’s rebroadcast on The Magical World of Disney in 1989

But with The Muppets’ recent YouTube resurgence, I can’t imagine A Muppet Family Christmas is something a fan would ever want to be without. And as I sat through the final third of the special – almost 15 minutes of uninterrupted singing – I couldn’t help but get a little irritated. The fact that it ends with a roomful of the greatest characters ever created wishing me a “Merry Christmas” for the fiftieth time was little consolation.

Christ, we get it! Stop singing already!

Cheating! But there’s one appearance by a life-giving bearded man whom I absolutely worship… and his final words are immensely touching.

“They certainly look like they’re having a good time out there… I like it when they have a good time.” – H.

Doc enters the house dressed as Santa briefly at the end (even though he was seen inside a second ago, during the previous scene, wearing plain clothes). Maybe my memory’s a little fuzzy, but now that I think of it, I can’t remember any Muppet Christmas specials featuring an appearance by the actual Santa Claus. Can you? Comment below!

“Santa cares not for your earthly continuity!”

How could I rate it any lower? There’s a shitload of Muppets here! That alone has to be worth something, if for no other reason than it’ll undoubtedly never happen again. While it can’t be denied that A Muppet Family Christmas is representative of a” warm seasonal feeling” under the strictest sense of the definition, this was never the program I wanted to see. Coming from a studio that brought us some of the the funniest, most heartwarming and most enduring Christmas specials known to man, the fact that such a monumental assemblage of its entire legacy failed to live up to its own standards is a sad one indeed.

It’s still worth checking out, though, and if you’re really in to Christmas songs, it could earn some repeated play on your television. Oh, wait! No it can’t, since you’re practically required to watch it in stolen internet bootlegs for the foreseeable future… *sigh*

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A Muppet Family Christmas has been discontinued on DVD the world over, due mostly to Disney’s acquisition of the majority of the characters.  However, you can find a used/new copy on Amazon for a substantial mark up, and I believe there’s a Google ad on the right side of this very page that links to a legitimate retailer selling off the old stock. Needless to say, if you see a copy out in the wild, snatch it up immediately: It will be worth hella money!

As far as Muppety Christmases go, you could do a helluva a lot worse than A Muppet Christmas Carol, which features all of the characters you know and love in a much better production, as well as a feature-length commentary from Jim Henson’s son, Brian. I haven’t seen the newer made-for-TV Muppet specials, so I’m just going to make a personal recommendation instead. I’d have to go with The Christmas Toy (which was incidentally included on the UK version of the  Muppet Family Christmas DVD as a bonus feature!) just slightly over Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas, but you could also save yourself a chunk of change and just buy both in a cheap-ass bundle!

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
MICKEY’S CHRISTMAS CAROL

MICKEY’S CHRISTMAS CAROL
Original Air Date: December 10, 1984
(Theatrical Premiere: December 13, 1983)

SYNOPSIS:
Scrooge McDuck takes on the role he was born to play in Disney’s damn-near definitive version of Charles Dickens’ Holiday classic.

BACKSTORY:
As mentioned back in the Pluto’s Christmas Tree article, Mickey’s theatrical appearances sputtered to a halt in the early 50’s. Donald starred in a handful of cartoons on into the 60’s, while Mickey and the rest of Disney’s classic stable of characters continued their popularity on television. But the medium that prompted Mickey’s return to the big screen for the first time in thirty years is a rather unexpected one, indeed.

Turns out it was the record, cassette, and to a far lesser extent, the 8-track, that launched Mickey back into theaters. The album Dickens’ Christmas Carol, featuring “The Disney Players,” was released during the Holidays of 1975 in limited quantities, with new editions following each Christmas.

A vintage commercial for the Disney Christmas record

Of the many songs recorded for the album, only one would find its way into Mickey’s Christmas Carol when it premiered in theaters in 1983, attached to a re-release of The Rescuers. It was nominated for an Oscar that same year, premiered on NBC the following Christmas, and would eventually air on all three major television networks.

Based on Mickey’s screen time, this is a bit of a lie

BREAKDOWN:
I know I’ve been playing fast and loose with the criteria of the “Animated Television Christmas Special,” but I’m fairly certain I can justify Mickey’s Christmas Carol here with some general knowledge that I can’t corroborate enough to include in the comparatively “professional” section above.

Thousands were auditioned before McDuck won the role of Scrooge

Reportedly, this 24-minute short was supposed to premiere on CBS in 1982, but an animation strike held up production. So instead a special was assembled from archival animation, using footage from Bambi, Cinderella, some shorts, etc., and known as A Disney Christmas Gift. Which I’m only bringing up because I just found my old copy and my brain is currently exploding with the anticipation of writing it up. (Next year?!)

Mickey as Bob Cratchit and Donald as Scrooge’s nephew

I’ve been hesitant to write up any more adaptations of A Christmas Carol, because quite frankly, I find most of them boring, derivative, and literally the least an animation production house can do when cramming their characters into an uninspired Holiday presentation. (I’m looking at you Hanna-Barbera!)

Scrooge’s office is filled with lousy de-motivational signs

That said, not only am I absolutely batshit in love with Mickey’s Christmas Carol, I sort of do consider it the definitive adaptation.

Rich environments

Some of that has to do with the all-star cast, and the fact that this is the first one I can remember watching, but I also genuinely believe that Disney created the template for how A Christmas Carol has been adapted in family-friendly entertainment ever since.

Is Tiny Tim played by Morty or Ferdie? The world may never know

Of course, I have no vested interest in the original story, nor do I give a shit about how faithful Disney was to it. Just so you know where I stand: I take far more issue with Pluto’s being completely left out of Disney’s triumphant return to short theatrical animation than I do with the omission of the Phantom Hearse or Mrs. Fezziwig.

Chipmunks bumpin’ butts

It took real balls to bother with presenting these characters again in the first place. Even after basically skipping a generation, the cast has shown unprecedented longevity, and although it couldn’t have been easy, Mickey’s Christmas Carol is a bold and wonderful bridge between two triumphant periods in Disney’s history.

Minnie is distraught over not having a single spoken line

To start, Alan Young – best known as Wilbur from television’s Mister Ed - reprises his role as Ebenezer Scrooge (McDuck) from the record on which the film is based.

Scrooge moves in on his nephew’s gal, Daisy

Prior to this, Scrooge McDuck was primarily a character from Disney Comics, having appeared theatrically as a rough Scottish caricature in the wartime propaganda short The Spirit of ’43, and showing up only once as the duck we’re all familiar with (well, outside of a cameo on The Mickey Mouse Club TV show) in 1967’s Scrooge McDuck and Money.

Ever get the feeling you were being watched?

In addition to being far less “ethnic,” Alan Young’s portrayal was incredibly warm. So much so that when Disney decided to spin the duck off into his own cartoon series, DuckTales, Young got to don the top hat and cane once again for 100 episodes and the theatrical movie.

Alan Young: The Most Important Entertainer of All Time

He’s far and away the voice most associated with Scrooge, and I was shocked to find out that Young is still alive AND voicing the character as recently as last year, at the ripe old age of 90!

Mickey, about to be torn a new asshole

Also of vocal note, Wayne Allwine, the man who voiced Mickey Mouse from 1977 until his passing earlier this year, made his first theatrical appearance as the icon. Before Mickey’s Christmas Carol, Allwine had only performed the character in brief television appearances.

The only Mickey my generation has ever know

But he’s since provided the voice of Mickey for literally everything, from toys to albums, TV shows and videogames. Not bad for a guy who started at Disney as a sound editor!

Donald stole Ichabod Crane’s horse!

Sadly, and most notably, this marked the final time Donald Duck was brought to life by the remarkable Clarence Nash. Since Donald’s first appearance in 1934’s The Wise Little Hen, Nash was the only man to spit the Donald venom for 50 years! He personally trained a Disney animator, Tony Anselmo, as his replacement, and Anselmo has performed the voice ever since.

Half a century in a sailor suit

Which I do think is  worth mentioning…because as much as Disney gets a reputation for being a cold, corporate monolith, the roles of its most famous characters were handed over to internal staffers with next-to-no previous voice credits. There’s just something so familial about that, and I think that many people forget it in their cynical views of Disney’s animation process.

Makes me feel like this

As you can no doubt tell, I’ve been pretty much rambling a super-elongated back story thus far. But there’s a timelessness to both the story and special itself that’s above any need for detailed analysis or explanation. You’ve undoubtedly seen it before and know the story, so really the most interesting thing about it is how well the Disney characters present themselves after such a lengthy hiatus.

Hew, Dew, and Lou in a brief, silent cameo

But I do love a good crossover! And for me, the most rewarding thing about the film is that this was one of the first times Disney treated itself like a singular universe, casting animated characters from throughout the studio’s entire history. It’s now ridiculously common for the stable of characters to appear in ensemble, but prior to Mickey’s Christmas Carol it was actually quite rare.

Goofy’s Jacob Marley is an undead klutz

You’d expect to see characters from the short cartoons, but for the role of the ghosts, Disney cherry-picked a couple of unexpected choices. On the album, The Ghost of Christmas Past was played by Merlin from The Sword in the Stone – but I think you’ll agree that Jiminy Cricket made a far better choice for the cartoon.

Always let your conscience be your guide

And what may seem like an odd choice actually works unbelievably well comedically, as Willie the Giant pockets the role of The Ghost of Christmas Present (even though he’d only appeared once before, in 1947’s Mickey and the Beanstalk).

Without a doubt, the funniest character here

And while in retrospect it seems like a no-brainer to cast Pete, Disney’s longest running character, as the menacing Ghost of Christmas Future, the album actually used Snow White’s Wicked Witch in the original role.

No one does bad worse than Pete

But since our little blog/site/mess here is built on a backbone of screenshots, I thought it important to highlight the other Disney players who appear in the silent and supporting roles. You’ll find many a forgotten character from the heyday of the Disney short:

Cocky Locky, Horace Horsecollar, Claribel Cow, and Gus Goose

The cast of Three Little Pigs (1933)

And two of The Three Little Wolves (1936)

But what’s odd are the choices the animators made in picking characters from their feature films. Instead of casting heavyweight stars from their most profitable movies, you’ll find many arguably more obscure characters here:

A familiar face from The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1959)

And fellow Wind in the Willows cast members Ratty and Mole

The bird from Bedknobs and Broomsticks (1971) dances with Lady Kluck

And about a billion other characters from Robin Hood (1973)

All of these appearances are immensely rewarding for an animation dork like myself. Of course, such levels of nerd-dom can be a double-edged sword, as I found myself almost angry that there weren’t more. “Where’s Peter Pan, Sleeping Beauty?!”  Etc…

The end is still a little scary

At first, I cynically assumed that the cameo casting was based around choosing characters from the more recent Disney films. But once I pondered the matter further (I seriously did!) it seems the idea was more to pick characters who wouldn’t appear out-of-place in the mid 19th century, or need to change outfits to fit the time period. And the last criterion to occur to me? Duh… no humans!

What, no tree upgrade?

But such thorough care is taken with the animation, and the characters are so well cast, that there’s almost nothing to complain about… aside from the LACK OF PLUTO, YOU DICKS!

Gets me every time

Every time I think I don’t care much for Mickey Mouse because he isn’t funny or he’s a bad dancer, I watch him crying at the grave of Tiny Tim and tear up in a manner most unbecoming. He’s no longer an extremely kinetic character, but when something affects him he sure has a beautifully expressive way of showing it.

If this doesn’t do it for you, you have no soul

No Christ here! But give Mickey a couple more centuries of public worship and I may have to amend the score…

Claus isn’t present anywhere in A Christmas Carol. According to legend, Dickens cut him out of the first draft, along with several kickass car chases.

Sorry, Disney: There’s no reason for A Christmas Carol to be longer than half an hour…you got it right the first time.

Perfect

Every piece of Disney’s legacy is put to excellent use in this soaring comeback, all executed remarkably well, especially given how out-of-practice the animators were at the time. Both the source material and the famous players are treated with the utmost care and respect. A timeless tale that’s been retold a thousand times is still impressively unique; simultaneously heartwarming and funny without ever veering into the overly sentimental or slapstick… Fuck, I really can’t say enough good things about Mickey’s Christmas Carol.

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Mickey’s Christmas Carol is made available for purchase pretty consistently, with DVDs going in and out of print on a nearly annual basis. I highly recommend you pick up the Walt Disney Treasure: Mickey Mouse in Living Color Volume 2, as it’s still available used and will undoubtedly soon be impossible to find inexpensively. It contains the special, plus 5+ more hours of Mousy goodness, including shorts like Pluto’s Christmas Tree and Mickey’s latter-day resurrection in The Prince and the Pauper and Runaway Brain. The single-disc Disney Animation Collection Volume 7: Mickey’s Christmas Carol is a pretty good deal as well, mostly because it also comes with stacked with the various Disney Christmas shorts that used to accompany the 30-minute feature on television years ago. I can’t vouch for the quality of the many other direct-to-video Mickey Christmas specials made this decade, since I haven’t seen them, but if I’m still doing this next year, expect a thorough examination! More surprisingly, I’m delighted to discover that Amazon also has a super-cheap mp3 of the original record on which the special was based!

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
A CLAYMATION CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION

WILL VINTON’S CLAYMATION CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION
Original Air Date: December 21, 1987

SYNOPSIS:
The California Raisins and their Claymation brethren present the smartest, funniest, most creative and clayiest Christmas TRL you could ever ask for.

BACKSTORY:
Will Vinton didn’t invent claymation, but he does own the trademark.  No, really.  And he also lays claim to the creation of the California Raisins, which can come in handy if, say, you want to produce an animated Christmas special during the height of Raisinmania. (He also created The Noid, whom you should avoid, FYI.)

All that clay are belong to him

Not to imply that Vinton is some kind of proprietary asshole.  He’s done more than just about anyone to further the medium of clay animation (o.k., his words, not mine), including coining and trademarking the term “Claymation^TM,” which rolls off the tongue so much more easily than “clay animation,” don’t you think?

The famously canceled NES game developed by Capcom

Vinton created the California Raisins in 1987, as the stars of a commercial for the most boring-sounding agency on earth, the California Raisin Advisory Board (CALRAB).  And for those of you who weren’t around at the time (or were living under a rock), let me tell you: America went California-nuts for the California Raisins.

How, indeed…

We were a nation obsessed with those wrinkly little hunks of doo-wopping Model Magic.  We plastered them all over our pillowcases, Trapper Keepers, footie pajamas, cereal boxes, Hardees cinnamon raisin buns – basically anywhere you could put a raisin without getting slapped.

Love your raisin, hate yourself

On top of that, they had four studio albums, an animated TV series, and a couple of feature films, making them more successful than all the winners of American Idol combined.

So it should come as no surprise that when Vinton made A Claymation Christmas Celebration later that year, he decided to close it out with the marketing gold that was the California Raisins and their R&B rendition of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”

Perhaps the faded popularity of the Raisins is part of the reason this feature has faded from the public eye.  It originally aired on CBS, but by the early 1990s had been relegated to cable and is now no longer shown anywhere.  Which is a shame, because it’s one my all-time favorite specials – funny, original, and wonderfully animated (sorry - claymated).

BREAKDOWN:
A Claymation Christmas Celebration is essentially a series of Christmas carol music videos hosted by the Mesozoic Odd Couple: straight-man Rex, an erudite, red Tyrannosaurus Jeff Goldblum; and foil Herb, a bulbous, lisping garbage disposal of a stegosaurus who proves that yes, Virginia, vegetarians can be fat.

Our prehistoric Felix and Oscar

As Rex dryly lays it out, “thematically speaking, we’ll be looking at Christmas carols as they relate to specific traditions.”  Snore.  It’s no wonder Herb feels a need to comfort eat…

First under the microscope is “We Three Kings,” but before Rex can finish his introductory discourse, along come a group of hound dogs singing “here we come a waffling,” and pushing a cart full of…WAFFLES!

Nums.

It’s a little something for everyone, as Herb gets to stuff his face with Belgian deliciousness…

“As usual, Herb, there you go letting history take a back seat to your stomach”

…and Rex gets to digress, interjecting, “pardon me, but you’re making a lyrical error in that fine old Christmas carol…”

But Rex is vexed – while he can successfully identify the true term as “wassailing,” no one, himself included, knows what it means.  Thus begins one of the special’s running gags, as a whole cast of characters parade in on the action with their own variations on “Here We Come A-Wassailing.”  But I’m getting ahead of myself…

Spoiler alert!

“We Three Kings” is preformed by clay versions of the Three Wise Men themselves – Melchior, Gaspar, and Balthasar – with an interjected chorus courtesy of some doo-wop camels whose vocal style bears more than a little resemblance to those yet-unseen dried fruits.

Close your eyes and picture…raisins!

The trios trade turns at the mic in a sound-off that leaves the wise guys eating camel dust.

“I hate you.”

“We love you!”

Luckily, they can all agree on one thing: their destination -  Jesus’ birthplace, illuminated by the Star of Bethlehem©.

My gift for Jesus: not-crack

Even more than twenty years later, the jazzy swing of the camels’ “star of wonder, star of night,” cheesy as it is, takes me straight back to the Christmases of my childhood – basking in the glow of the Christmas lights while I was sung to sleep by three pachyderms.

Jesus…better than GPS

Herb and Rex return to introduce my favorite clip: the Paris Bellharmonic performing “Carol of the Bells.”

“One of the ways to drive evil off was by making a great deal of noise…”

“This isn’t driving you off!”

Conductor Quasimodo has put together a fine ensemble of anthropomorphic bells, with the exception of one particularly unfocused member who gets distracted, plays some air guitar, hits himself in the face trying to swat a fly, and loses his mallet.

Someone I would probably date if I were a bell

The whole sketch is so clever that I don’t want to give away the punch line (you should really watch it yourself, HINT HINT), but I’ll just say that Quasi ultimately saves the day with a move that would leave Bart Simpson green with envy.

Don’t mess.

After being pulled briefly off track to deal with a flock of ducks come a-waddling, our prehistoric hosts present “Oh Christmas Tree,” which, while the claymating is stellar, is frankly not the most exciting tool in the shed.  So we’ll move on…

Yeah, it’s kinda like that

We’re next introduced to two physics-defying ice-skating walruses: the world-famous prima ballerina Margot Pontoon and her partner, Rudolf Nerves-on-Edge.

It’s a testament to the quality of the animation that Margot and Rudolf move exactly how you imagine a pair of ice-dancing walrus ballerinas would.

A majestic-y creature

They’re fluid (relatively speaking) and graceful(-ish), but they collide one too many times with the friendly neighborhood penguins…

Don’t get too attached…

Kapow!

…and when the walruses’ final salchow leaves them three feet underwater, the aggrieved penguins waste no time sealing up the hole.

Sorta like David and Goliath, except not at all

Too bad no one bothered to tell them that walruses are semi-aquatic animals.

Can’t nobody hold me down

We return to find Herb and Rex mired in reference books, trying to determine the true meaning of the term “wassailing,” when who should appear but a slew of swine come a-wallowing.  No, no, no, no, no! It’s all Rex can do to keep us, dear viewers, on the straight and narrow while trying to restrain Herb from joining the pig-out.

“Joy!”

Better distract us by cutting to the trippy African Pride Jesus-montage…

o.k., sure, a baby’s ass…why not?

The “Joy to the World” sequence is, in a word, weirdasballs.  I’m sure the animation is a marvel of modern plasticine, but this thing is like taking a baaaaaad trip soundtracked by Luther Vandross covering Manheim Steamroller.  Which I guess isn’t all bad, since synth-rock was my second-favorite childhood Christmas tradition, but still.

Here’s just a sampling of the crazy-ass shit that happens in the 2:30 that it takes to sing “Joy to the World.”  For the rest of the collection, please see my nightmares from the past twenty-two years.

So far, so…so.

I don’t remember anything like this in “Rudolph”…

Not okay.

Mommy?

Boobs!  All is forgiven, Vinton.

Finally we get to some damn Raisin action, introduced by ultimate CALRAB fan-boy Herb…

Sunglasses are how you knew something was cool in the ‘80s.

In a classic case of “slow food,” A.C., Bebop, Red, and Zoot spent so long shooting the shit that they missed the last bus home on Christmas Eve.  So what do they do?  Deliver the finest Motown “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” to ever grace our ears, of course!

See?  Cool.

And at the same time, they learn a hard lesson in acceptance when it turns out that one of their own is also a shiner.

“Craisin!”

Not really – they spend the whole song making fun of his nose…

“There’s no possible way they can mock me if I’m hiding behind this snowman”

FAIL

…then rope him to the front of a ghetto-fabulous sleigh and make him pull them home.

A little holiday oppression to warm your cockles

Fruits can be so cruel.

The special ends with Rex, Herb (who’s put on a good 3 packs of Sculpey) and all of their waffling, waddling, and wallowing compadres enjoying a full mug of Christmas spirit, courtesy of some singing leprechauns who pull up a-drinking – no, wait – a-wassailing!

Leave it to the Irish to show up wasted at the end

They’re carting a frat’s-worth of “Cyril’s Cider” (Really?  Not wassail?  Whatevs.), and they’re not a moment too soon because Rex is about to pop a vein.

“Fuck all y’all!”

Luckily, everyone finally gets what they wanted for Christmas – Rex gets validation, Herb gets enough clay snacks to feed a herd of bulimic elephants, and all of the claytastic characters get to make one last appearance.

What really killed the dinosaurs

Or rather, almost all of them.  In a much-appreciated nod to what I, and probably everyone with eyes, wanted for Christmas, those creepy-ass “Joy to the World” fuckers are nowhere to be seen.

LET’S WASSAIL!

While I wouldn’t call this a religious special (thank God!), and there’s certainly no molded Jesus anywhere, A Claymation Christmas does seem to have a little more savior-presence than most of the specials we’ve seen so far.

For one thing, it’s based around a series of carols that, whether we’re wont to admit it or not, sing the praises of Jesus’ big day.  Then, of course, there are the aforementioned manger-moseying Wise Men, and while I didn’t really want to have to bring it up again, the “Joy to the World” segment has more than a few images that could probably garner a cool sum on eBay if they were to show up on a piece of toast.

The face of Mary in…a program about Christmas!

Old Saint Nick makes just one blink-and-you’ll-miss-it appearance, (understandably) dozing in his rocking chair during the soporific “Oh Christmas Tree.”  But Herb does don an ever-strained Santa suit during the entire special, so we’ll give ‘em kudos for that, too.

A Claymation Christmas certainly doesn’t have a heartwarming moral, (too much) religious iconography, or a tidy resolution, but the melding of classic carols with ambulatory clay, quirky humor, Christmas treats, and those quintessentially 80’s spokes-raisins perfectly encapsulates everything that I loved about the holidays when I was growing up.  So while this may be the last nail in the coffin of the Christmas-spirit scale’s validity, I’m giving it 5 balls.  Cuz I love it.

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Contrary to popular belief, Will Vinton’s Claymation Christmas Celebration is available on DVD… and isn’t it time you upgraded from that VHS you recorded twenty years ago? (I know I probably should!) It contains the uncut special we all know and love, as well as Halloween and Easter specials you’ve likely never seen.

If you’re still in the mood for some vintage Vinton, I can easily recommend his full-length movie The Adventures of Mark Twain (which contains the notoriously frightening “Satan scene”), but if you’re simply hunting for something under the criteria of “stop-motion” and “Christmas,” you could do a helluva lot worse than the newly remastered The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
A FAT ALBERT CHRISTMAS

A FAT ALBERT CHRISTMAS
Original Air Date: December 18, 1977

SYNOPSIS:
Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids must deliver a tyrant, as well as a baby, to redemption!

BACKSTORY:
Fat Albert’s first appearance dates all the way back to 1967, when Bill Cosby performed the character, as well as many others caricatures from his North Philadelphia upbringing, on his stand-up comedy album, Revenge. An animated prime-time special partially based on the routine, entitled Hey, Hey, Hey, It’s Fat Albert, was produced for NBC in 1969.

From the beginning, the show featured live-action introductions from Cosby himself, and he also voiced three characters from the gang during the animated segments: Bill, Mushmouth, and of course, Fat Albert.

The show was a hit, but NBC was wary of translating such a moralistic show into a full-blown series. The first episode of Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids finally aired on CBS in 1972 and remained in production for the next twelve years (even though only five seasons were produced during that time).

BREAKDOWN:
Awww, it seems that Fat Albert is no longer shown on television these days. How do I know? Because every time I do an impersonation of one of the characters in front of anybody so much as five years younger than me, I get treated like I made a watermelon joke in minstrel makeup.

Irrefutable proof Bill Cosby was involved

Strange, since the show was produced by Filmation (creators of He-Man) and aired consistently and all over the place during my youth, from USA’s Cartoon Express to marathons on public access.

“Bill” the character that most represented Cosby

And that sucks, because I, like the rest of the population, do a pitch-perfect Mushmouth impression, and pulling that out in public nowadays is received with all the warmth of Michael Richards on Def Comedy Jam.

“Oh-ba K-be Fa-ba Alber-ba-bababa”

Supposedly, the implication is that caricatures of inner-city black kids playing in a junkyard is no longer PC…which I personally can’t fathom, because as a little kid in the suburbs, I know I would’ve traded my left nut for a clubhouse amidst piles and piles of glorious trash.

Never once referred to as “The Crib”

There was just something so warm and inviting about a gang of characters who did everything together. And I know that the low-fi musical sequences were little more than an excuse to recycle animation on the cheap. But my little brain sure as shit didn’t seem to mind.

Unfortunately, Bill Cosby himself doesn’t appear in A Fat Albert Christmas Special, but his voice is present, and it went on to win an Emmy for Outstanding Children’s Special in 1978, anyway.

This entry will be 100% fat joke-FREE

The special opens with the ultra-wholesome Junkyard Gang setting up a nativity scene for the enjoyment of their parents.

Surprise, suckahs!

But just when everything is nearing finalization, in comes Tyrone, the cantankerous entrepreneur who wants to bulldoze the club house.

Bravery would not make it to the ghetto until 1987

The boys tremble and cower for a bit, especially when there’s another knock at the clubhouse door.

God looks down on his rotund creation

D’Awww, it’s lil’ Marshall! His parents are a little down on their luck, and by that I mean broke, homeless, jobless, insurance-less, and his mother is about to give birth.

Fat Albert offers the family sanctuary as he goes off to try and convince Tyrone not to tear down Fat HQ, especially now that it’s acting as a de-facto Free Clinic.

Let’s hope Marshall’s Mom gets happier

Tyrone is, predictably, the same asshole he’s always been. However, we’re informed that, actually, he wasn’t always that way. Before his wife died he was apparently tolerable and well-liked around the neighborhood.

Fat Albert agrees to work as a storefront Santa to try and appease Tyrone, but it isn’t doing the trick.

The guys show up and call him a sell-out – clearly not diplomatic men of compromise.

Guys! Focus…

Remember the pregnant lady back at your shack?!

And Tyrone kicks Fat Albert to the curb after his friends start jacking the Holiday freebies.

The following scene I do love very much, though. A sage-like hobo named Mudfoot (also voiced by Cosby) emerges to tell Tyrone what kind of a shithead he’s being, and exactly how much his dead wife, Martha, would’ve hated the man he’s become.

Just when you think it’s going to veer into hackneyed Christmas Carol territory, it backs off right in time. Tyrone realizes a change may be in order…but that’s of little importance now, because over at the Fat manger there’s a baby about to be born!

Rudy and Bill rush off to grab some ghetto doctor

And the now the rest of the gang have to go find Marshall, since he ran away after overhearing his father vent his fears and frustrations over just how in the hell he’s going to feed two kids with no money and no job.

*sniff*

After an admittedly dated chase sequence, they’ve failed to retrieve Marshall. Luckily, he’s been made somewhat obsolete, as the doctor has arrived at the clubhouse on time. The birth was not only a success, it couldn’t have been less bloody.

That floor’s gotta be a mess of hay and clumped afterbirth

Tyrone comes a’knockin’ once again…

But instead of bringing an eviction notice, the guy has decided to “give back”  – he went and wrangled Marshall!

Possibly more frightening when he’s happy

The notorious curmudgeon atones for his past  misdeeds by offering Marshall’s father a job at his store, and I have to point out that the last line is all his and is ridiculously touching. FIN!

Na, Na, Na, Gonna have a good time!

Let’s not forget that the gang is basically putting on a passion play at the beginning, plus the clubhouse makes a nice little metaphor for Jesus’ manger. But don’t worry, interweb atheists, you’re not beaten over the head with any religious themes.

It’s common knowledge that Santa doesn’t visit poor kids. Luckily, Fat Albert is 10x the Santa Santa is… even though he probably won’t live past the age of thirty.

In spite of being of over three decades old, A Fat Albert Christmas is one of the more modern Christmas specials I’ve ever seen – Marshall’s family especially. They’re less a stand-in for the Cratchits than a contemporary family struck down by a harsh society and failed economy. None of the regular characters behave abnormally as they go above and beyond to extend a helping hand… Come to think of it, Fat Albert and the Junkyard Gang tend to behave like every day is Christmas, anyway! Stove pipe hats-off to Tyrone as well, since he quickly transforms from a two dimensional, Ebenezer-esque character into someone the audience can empathize with. I don’t care what anybody says, the music is still fantastic, and this is one old special that’s stood the test of time.

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Unfortunately, several Fat Albert disc have been discontinued. The stand-alone A Fat Albert Christmas can still be obtained out in the wilds of retail, both new and used, AND the special can also be found in the New Christmas Classics 2-disc set, which also contains holiday specials from Gumby, Casper and George of the Jungle. I don’t know what’s going on with the Fat Albert series on DVD, but they seem to be getting scarce. If you’re like me, you’ll want to snatch them up quickly to ensure that they don’t disappear forever.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
HE-MAN AND SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

HE-MAN AND SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
Original Air Date: December 1985

SYNOPSIS:
He-Man and She-Ra team up when Christmas comes to Eternia.

BACKSTORY:
He-Man started life in the pages of DC Comics’ Masters of the Universe as a barbarian of a surviving tribe. The Filmation cartoon of 1983 altered his origins to that of a Prince endowed with the power to transform into a warrior.

The cartoon is synonymous with a super-successful toy line, and even though it ceased production in 1985, He-Man appeared in a two more animated series and even a feature film starring Dolph Lundgren.

BREAKDOWN:
Calling He-Man and The Masters of the Universe “stupid” is like saying the current economy is “rough.” Stupid is only scratching the surface, and doesn’t begin to describe what a cultural setback this asinine phenomenon was.

It’s Christmastime in Epcot- I mean, Eternia

And let me preface this by saying I was one of the biggest He-Man fans on the planet. One of my earliest memories is of throwing a tantrum in a Toys R’ Us over a new Man-At-Arms action figure.

A king looks out upon his immensely stupid kingdom

I watched every stupid episode of the dumbass cartoon show and never gave a though to its logistics, nor the fact that it was one of the crassest examples of advertising ever devised by some truly shameless and evil men.

You’re doing it wrong

I used to recall it with some reverence, but once you actually sit down and watch it as a discerning adult, without the rose-tinted nostalgia, you can’t help but get angry over the colorful travesty – it’s pretty clear that PR and marketing were given first, second, and final cut.

MARKETING: What if He-Man fought a character with suction cup hands?
WRITER: Um… he’s a “Master of the Universe” with super strength and powers… isn’t that a little beneath him?
MARKETING: Should be easy to write then. Oh, and how about an enemy who smells bad?! Think about it for next week (or you’re fired).

You had to have seen this before

Every single thread of the He-Man quilt is stitched together with miraculous idiocy. Nothing makes sense, every detail is anachronistic, and in spite of its wild popularity, it seems like no one is even trying.

The height of Eternia Engineering: A flying jet-ski with wheels

The Christmas episode is no exception. The animation is dependent on reusable frames, so there’s very little room for action and it’s built on a backbone of horrendous exposition. The stupidity has already beaten us senseless, so there’s no reason to question why She-Ra, He-Man’s long lost twin sister, is in Eternia with her matching cast of doppelgangers in tow.

I don’t care how gay you are, He-Man is pretty gross

You’ll forgive me if I’m not up on my He-Man canon (can’t believe that wasn’t an accessory) but I forgot that He-Man’s mother was an astronaut from Earth. She explains Christmas to the ensemble of two-dimensional characters.

No one seems to give a shit, so we cut to Men-At-Arms, a doctor in pastel armor, and Prince Adam, who are set to launch a satellite space probe that’ll provide the good ol’ gang with streaming updates on Skeletor’s evil plans.

Musclebound men perform serious science

Orko, Eternia’s leading provider of comic relief, foolishly activates the vessel and is transported to present-day Earth.

Oh, Orko! Your uselessness creates plots out of thin air!

My hat goes off to Men-At-Arms for creating such an impressive feat of technology, but if Sputnik had accidentally beamed itself to another dimension, I’m pretty sure that would’ve been considered a colossal failure of million-dollar proportions, and a likely end to the space program.

Technically doesn’t count as kid-touching

On Earth, our magical misfit encounters two children lost in a blizzard after, apparently, hiking on foot to the Himalayas to find a Christmas tree. Orko provides them with shelter, and they teach him all about the Christmas holiday.

Creepy!

Meanwhile, back in Eternia, the gang is figuring out how to bring Orko and the Sky Spy back. Men-At-Arms concludes that his machine is powered by a magic crystal that, o.k., might not even exist, and it’s up to She-Ra to do him a solid and go find it.

Eternia has its own Aquaman

Now it’s Mermista’s time to shine! All-but-useless on land, only she can retrieve the crystal from its underwater hiding place, provided She-Ra can distract a surface-dwelling, beastly monster, hastily titled “The Beast Monster.”

She-Ra battles The Beast Monster on her trusty steed, Horse Creature

The crystal is found, but for reasons unclear the act unearths a race of evil transforming robots *cough* known as the “Monstroids.”

“Transformers?  Never heard of ‘em!”

The crystal works, and Orko and the Earth children are beamed back to Eternia.

Please enjoy some upskirt action

But the presence of the kids and their innate Christmas cheer creates a disturbance in the balance of good-to-evil. Horde Prime orders Skeletor and Hordak to eliminate any presence of Christmas, as it irks him ever so.

“Tonight, on Larry King Live…”

The children are kidnapped by Hordak, only to be re-kidnapped by the Monstroids. Wait a minute… are they… I think they are?!

Monstroids?! Exit, stage left

The audience is informed that the Monstroids are in constant battle with the insipidly saccharine race known as the Manchines…

Retail heroes

…tiny neon Precious Moments endowed with household abilities.  They’re seemingly unfit for battling giant robots…

Note: You’re still watching He-Man

…but perfect for a new toyline!  YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.

THE BALLS?

Now, many a Christmas special has served as a pilot for a new franchise, but He-Man was already a shameless vessel for new toys. So while this hour-long special was already showcasing action figures for two shows, they brazenly saw fit to try and introduce an entirely new line of nonsense blatantly ripped-off of Transformers and The Care Bears.

Also stupid: She-Ra’s rope sword

Skeletor is good example of the “writing” process of the show. Originally, he was a clear-cut arch nemesis to He-Man – the embodiment of pure evil, to be feared by all. But he eventually proved to be likable, even comical.

They may as well break out in song

There was an internal mandate not to portray Skeletor as “too evil,” and that usually provided the “writers” with the perfect excuse to parade around a new action figure in every episode.

Even the animation is undignified

So when the kids are re-re-kidnapped (are you following this?) by Skeletor, his bizarre transformation is almost acceptable, given how much he was marginalized. Although, I’m probably not the most credible judge right now, what with the sheer number of lame “Christmas Spirit” plot devices I’ve had to endure of late.

Fashion magic from the ram spear!

He provides the kids with coats and is and is eventually brought back to life by a puppy’s kiss. Seriously…

Addicted to lick

So Skeletor’s heart grew two sizes that day…

And Hordack, Skeletor, He-Man, She-Ra and Horde Prime finally clash in a colossal explosion of stock animation. Robots are thrown. Some lasers happen. Who gives a shit…

A rare, punchless fight

Most notably, Skeletor saves the children – and thus the day – by lasering a skill-crane claw, even though Horde Prime describes it as “Ow, my engine!” and crashes anyway.

Sigh…

Back at the castle, the gang engages in obligatory celebration.

Eternian tradition dictates that the stupidest character gets to top the tree

He-Ma… I mean, Prince Adam, dons a Santa suit and gives the kids flight belts as presents, and with that they’re beamed back to Earth.

I was originally infuriated by the idea of He-Man having such abundant access to the power of flight, even though he always had to ride around on dick-shaped jet skis… but then I got to thinking about Queen Marlena.

“That’s nice, now float your ass to bed”

If the kids could be sent back to Earth so easily, why didn’t she return as well? How low would your self-esteem have to be for you to fall in love with an alien before securing a ride back to Earth… I’m just saying, I developed a newfound sense of pity for the woman… Merry Christmas!

There are some Christ-like observations on Christmas, but Eternia is basically another dimension, so for all we know Jesus is still alive and rewarding people for their sins.

Santa doesn’t make stops in Eternia, so Prince Adam will have to suffice.

Man, the animators really went all-out

Utterly stupid, and a thinly veiled commercial for an entire warehouse full of new and preexisting toys.  I deserve a fucking Pulitzer for devoting as much time to this shit as I have, as I’d gladly take an embedded assignment in Iraq over watching He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special ever again. While I’m never in support of our government butting in on our television shows, at least they were aware of the “Catch ‘em all” brainwashing before I was: the FCC mandated that if 80’s cartoons such as these were going broadcast synergistic drivel over the public airwaves, a certain percentage had to be devoted to something “educational.” Which is why He-Man – and more notably, G. I. Joe – concluded every episode with a moral lesson presented directly to the viewer.

A Very Mattel Christmas

In this case, Prince Adam and Orko have a brief discussion on cultural holidays and tolerance, then fade out while laughing uproariously at something that wasn’t even remotely funny. So I’m giving it one ball just for that.

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I’m of the belief that He-Man and The Masters of the Universe is one of those shows that’s better left to memory. (But what do I know? Millions of people seem to love those idiotic Transformers movies). That said, the DVDs are actually pretty good, featuring great transfers with some substantial bonus features that I vastly prefer to watching the actual show. A Christmas Special is available on a standalone disc and features lots of goodies. You can find the entire series spread out across four volumes, although I highly recommend the Best Of set, since it features the episodes you remember best, as voted by the fans, along with some legitimately insightful supplemental features from the creators.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special
REN AND STIMPY: SON OF STIMPY

REN & STIMPY: SON OF STIMPY
Original Air Date: January 13, 1993

SYNOPSIS:
Stimpy becomes distraught after the birth of his first assbaby.

BACKSTORY:
Ren & Stimpy premiered in the summer of 1991, alongside Doug and Rugrats, kicking off Nickelodeon’s “Nicktoons” brand. Nick took a pretty big chance on an ambitious pilot from John Kricfalusi, an animator already fired for perceived drug references in Ralph Bakshi’s Mighty Mouse: The New Adventures.

Not for families, but for everyone else

Ren & Stimpy proved to be an immediate success, both on television and in merchandising. However, Nickelodeon and Johnny K. continuously butted heads over the unprecedented levels of violence and gross-out gags.  The network regularly censored scenes, pulled entire episodes from the air, and took great issue when production delays surpassed deadlines and projected budgets. In 1992, with work only partially completed on the second season, Kricfalusi was fired from his own show.

BREAKDOWN:
I was retarded for Ren & Stimpy as a kid. I taped every episode, proudly hung three posters of the duo in my room, and to this day, can still draw both characters freehand in spite of little-to-no artistic talent.

One of the last smile-worthy images you’ll see here

So as upset as I was at the time over Krucfalusi’s ousting, as an adult producing creative content for skittish executives, I’m starting to understand the decision a little more. Maybe Son of Stimpy, aka Stimpy’s First Fart wasn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back, but there’s more than enough fodder here – which I personally love – to give the suits plenty of reason to shitcan the guy.

Boogers, just because

According to legend (and some DVD commentary,) Nickelodeon was never all that cool with the content of the show. Some mandate was brought forth for this special, stating that John K. could present the gross stuff so long as he balanced that out with a little more wholesome “emotion.” And this was his answer: One of the most depressing things I’ve ever seen.

Melodrama drawn beautifully

Like a mischievous genie going out of his way to deliberately interpret a wish in the most backhanded and literal way possible, John K. punished his overlords with Son of Stimpy. I mean, I’m fully in support of Kricfalusi, and the show undoubtedly shit the bed after his departure, but you’ve got to imagine Nickelodeon’s shock upon receiving this episode.

Here the execs were, anxiously anticipating a Christmas-themed episode of their most popular (and oft delayed) show – hell, they’d probably already cut together promos and sold the ads – and they got this.

That about sums it up

Whether the network more hated or feared the episode, it premiered on fucking MTV! It didn’t get an airing on Nickelodeon until almost a year later, and after a series of edits.

More grossness that I missed out on

Now imagine how torturous this must have been for a boy like me, before the existence of YouTube, Tivo and the internet. Few had even seen the episode – it existed almost in rumor alone. I waited every week, VHS tape in hand, for “The Fart Episode” that never came. The word of the recess yard was all we had to even confirm that episode was real to begin with.

A simple fart brings untold tragedy

So I know this entry is filled with a little more personal information than usual, but that’s okay because not a whole lot really happens in the episode, anyway. Stimpy farts, allegedly for the first time, and births a sentient cloud of some comedic sort that he begins to refer to as his son, “Stinky.”

Stimpy cannot perform

Ren doesn’t believe him, and Stimpy grows more and more withdrawn over the loss of what he now considers his son.

Alone in the Naked City

Stimpy spends almost the entire episode moping at the brink of suicide over the loss of Stinky, while Ren fluctuates between dejected understanding and rage over his partner’s behavior.

Merry Christmas!

I hope I’m getting across the prolonged nature of these events. The show always took its time, but the pacing of this particular episode makes for humor a little darker than what most Ren & Stimpy fans are used to.

You can never go home again…

…no matter how welcome you find it

Add to this the numerous other scenes that Nickelodeon found objectionable. Nick viewers didn’t originally get to see Stimpy go to the police station to report his missing fart.

Only to be escorted out at the speed of violence

This episode also marks one of the more overt references to the twosome’s sexuality.

Ren points up to a mistletoe they’re standing underneath…

and gently elbows Stimpy in the ribs, to which he responds:

“Is that all you think about.”

Nickelodeon fought to take the scene out, John K. fought to leave the scene, etc. I never really got why it was a big deal. Maybe I’m the bigot, but I never thought of Ren & Stimpy as being gay. The were a sitcom couple when the plot needed them to be, the same way they became rubber nipple salesman or firehouse dogs. Of course John K. would eventually confirm their orientation by showing them fucking for Spike TV’s blink-and-you-missed-it Ren & Stimpy: Adult Party Cartoon.

Stimpy eventually ends up at home and in the loving arms of his Chihuahua . And just when he can’t sink any lower, there’s a knock at the door.

It’s Stinky, the long lost son! The grand reunion is cut short, though, when Stinky says he can’t stay.

He’s done growed up and found himself a girl:

Or a fish head.  Same difference.

The darling couple is married and live happily ever after… following a brief honeymoon in Ren’s nose.

Stimpson J. Cat, Ordained Minister! Who knew?

Ha! It may feel like cartoons have been making fun of Jesus forever, but they sure as shit haven’t done it on Nickelodeon. Although I think I saw him briefly in a single frame…

Can you make out Christ’s beard in the blast radius?

Present and accounted for. Even if he only shows up for a brief butt gag.

Understandably, I remember being disappointed with the episode once I finally saw it. Although, viewed within the above context, I find the whole episode hilarious on a completely different level now. I dunno… I really like this episode even though it’s hard to recommend. For one, Christmas is merely the shell here, it doesn’t really play a part except to make things more depressing from time to time. But remember, this is not a meter of quality, but rather a barometer for old time feelin’.

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Son of Stimpy appears alongside the original John K.-era episodes on Ren & Stimpy: The Complete First and Second Seasons. Be warned: Some of these episodes are edited in spite of being promoted as “UNCUT.” If you wish to brave the later years, the rest of the series is also available on DVD. But if you want to see their wickedly disturbing swan song, bold fans may want to venture into the Adult Party Cartoon, which presents the duo in far more explicit situations featuring, violence, sex and nudity.

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
PLUTO’S CHRISTMAS TREE

SYNOPSIS:
Chip and Dale run amok in Mickey’s house, giving Pluto a helluva hard time.

Mickey Mouse has been around since 1928, and Pluto since 1930. A great many of Mickey theatrical shorts featured the hapless mutt, and Pluto managed to parlay the success into almost fifty solo cartoons, yet Pluto’s Christmas Tree was produced in the final throes of Disney’s theatrical cartoons.

A line of figurines based on the cartoon were produced starting in 1995

Most of its characters had been relegated to roles of domestic life, and only Donald Duck would see life on screen into the next decade. Both Mickey and Pluto appeared in one more theatrical short a year later, but would then remain unseen in theaters for three decades.

BREAKDOWN:
Warm tidings, all! And to get the bad taste of yesterday’s Christmas Special out of thy mouth, here’s yet another wonderful Disney short that I get to award a high-quality embed where you can watch it in its entirety.

You may not remember the name, but there’s next to no one I know who hasn’t seen Pluto’s Christmas Tree. It’s been aired continuously on television for almost sixty years, and you’ll find it included in many a Disney Christmas compilation.

Not as threatening as it looks

I defy anyone out there (even you, Jews!) not to feel these images resonate with them in some way. If you own a television, you’ve been exposed to this short at least once.

The inspiration for Snow Dogs

And if you’re like me, you’ve probably spent a good part of your life confusing it with Toy Tinkers, as both feature highly similar premises.

Your Holiday decoration is their home

The difference here is that Chip and Dale are more forcibly brought into Mickey’s home, whereas in Toy Tinkers they pretty much intruded on Donald to steal his nuts.

Micky even makes wielding an axe look cute

I don’t mean to paint the sensational corporation in too noble a light, since technically they started it. Chip beams Pluto in the ass with an acorn, he chases them up a tree, which Mickey then chops down to – SURPRISE! – hang ornaments on.

Familiar yet?

I loveloveLOVE the Christmas Tree interiors, and that’s part of why I love the lil’ chipmunks to begin with. Despite their diminutive stature, everywhere they go always seems tailor-scaled to suit their needs

I know I could live here

Chip and Dale spend the duration of the cartoon mercilessly fucking with Pluto, while simultaneously trying to escape his wrath.

Generic gifts, ruined in the name of comedy

And when Pluto can finally take no more, he lunges at the tree, basically wrecking every Christmas decoration in sight.

Mickey and Pluto share a similar tail

Oh, Mickey is mad at first…

Puppy strangulation, also made adorable by Mickey

Until he discovers the Chipmunks himself, and offers them a reprieve from Pluto’s gnash on account of Christmas.

Caught in a passionate embrace

And hey, you got a great ending here.

“Ohhh… just try not to ruin next Christmas”

In the days before Disney’s classic characters were required to appear only in ensemble, Pluto’s Christmas Tree features a rare cameo from Disney’s biggest stars!

Caroling with a cello is serious business

Why bother? Every character here is bigger than Jesus.

None, really. With the notable exception of the candles Dale uses as a disguise:

While Pluto’s Christmas Tree barely registers on any of the other meters, every single image is synonymous with the season for me. Perhaps you’ll rate it differently when you get your own blog.

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Pluto’s Christmas Tree is featured on the single disc Disney Animation Collection Volume 7: Mickey’s Christmas Carol, along with several fantastic Christmas cartoons like The Small One and Santa’s Workshop. I still say your best bet is picking up Walt Disney Treasures: Mickey Mouse in Living Color Volume 2 as it too contains Pluto’s Christmas Tree and Mickey’s Christmas Carol, plus over 5 hours of Mickey goodness that you can be sure is uncut and uncensored. It looks to be out of print, but sellers are still offering it on Amazon for a steal. Pick it up while you can, it’s bound to become a pricey collector’s item. Speaking of hyper-expensive, that Pluto figurine is the most expensive thing I’ve ever needed!

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
BUGS BUNNY’S LOONEY CHRISTMAS TALES

BUGS BUNNY’S LOONEY CHRISTMAS TALES
Original Air Date: November 27, 1979

SYNOPSIS:
Bugs and the partially assembled Looney Tunes gang go through the Holiday motions!

BACKSTORY:
Although many people are given credit for the creation of Bugs Bunny, only one man brought him an Oscar. While Tex Avery popularized the version of Bugs we now know and love, Friz Freleng was the one who directed him to his only Academy Award, in 1958’s Knighty Knight Bugs.

Freleng and Bugs during better times

When Warner Bros. shut down its cartoon division in 1963, it allowed Freleng and the previous WB animation director, David DaPatie, to set up shop in its old animation facilities for a nominal fee, where they operated under the name of the DaPatie-Freleng Enterprises.

Logos that accompanied many a DFE cartoon

Rather than let their characters die, however, Warner licensed out the use of the Looney stable of characters to DFE and Chuck Jones Enterprises for several television projects – Bugs Bunny’s Looney Christmas Tales was a joint product of both studios.

BREAKDOWN:
As much as I like the idea of “getting the band back together,” there’s a reason Bug Bunny’s Looney Christmas Tales has been lost to time. These were the cheap years, the Speedy-Gonzales-versus-Daffy-Duck times most Looney Tunes fans don’t like to talk about.

Bugs opens the special by leading a group of drunks in song

Given the budget for what was essentially a heavily licensed, made-for-TV freelance assignment, I sure as shit didn’t expect a whole lot going in. So in a way I was not let down.

Love the backgrounds here

Both Jones and Freleng were well beyond their prime and, I’d guess, basically resurrecting old tricks for the money. It’s animated pretty poorly and the gags are, for the most part, simple retreads going through the motions.

It’s okay to feel uncomfortable

Looney Christmas Tales features three cartoons made fresh 30 years ago – two by Freleng and one by Chuck Jones. Now, I was faced with an overwhelming sense of dread at having to watch another adaptation of A Christmas Carol, especially at a run-time of seven or so minutes…

This is the most Bugs ever moves

But I sorta dug it since it was a surprisingly fresh take. Sure you’ve got the same old Dickens classic, recast with the Warner Bros. menagerie. Yosemite Sam is Scrooge, Porky Pig is Bob Cratchit, etc.

I noticed it, too, Bugs

Oh, and one role that hints at a adulterous Petunia Pig:

Yep, Tweety Bird as a genetically impossible Tiny Tim

But Bugs Bunny is pretty much Bugs Bunny. The only time a ghost even appears is when Bugs dresses like one.

It’s not unlike the old formula where they simply insert Bugs into any situation just to watch him torment another asshole, so I’ve got no complaints there.

This is how it ends – on Christmas night for a change

Only problem is, there’s no fluidity to the animation, nor to the Stalling-esque score we’ve come to associate with the rabbit’s escapades. Mel Blanc is on hand to provide all the recognizable character voices, but the sound effects seem to be on loan from Hanna-Barbera.

Spirited, but stupid

Chuck Jones’ Road Runner cartoon fares a bit better. By his own admission, there really isn’t much more to the Road Runner-Wile E. Coyote duo than concocting new ACME products and FAIL gags.

The only real premise at work is that Wile E. Coyote chases the Road Runner to the top of a mountain under the assumption that road runners hate snow.

In fact, he takes to it quite well

And no offense to the Road Runner or Wile E. Coyote, but it’s undeniably cool to see them running around someplace other than an art-deco desert for once. Plus the animation is a cut above.

Because Chuck Jones knows snow, bitches!

But probably the most notable cartoon is an all-new Tasmanian Devil short. Due to his latter-day popularity in commercials, mudflaps and television appearances, people tend to forget that Taz only starred in five theatrical shorts. (By comparison, Bugs was in almost 150!)

Great! Now I have a new phobia

In a bit of contrived self-awareness, even the pilots wonder why they’re shipping a Tasmanian Devil from Australia over the North Pole on Christmas Eve. But hey, that’s what gets him where he needs to be!

Animal cruelty?

Ever-afraid to portray cartoon characters as married – and thereby unattainable – Bugs is made to be caring for his nephew over the Holidays.

Who could forget Bugs’ nephew, “Nephew?”

Bugs proceeds to torment Taz, who actually seems even more punch-drunk and lost than usual on this occasion, to the point where you almost feel sorry for him.

Taz’s don’t know that table’s not food!

Either way, The Fright Before Christmas is the only short from this special that found its way in to regular airings on Saturday mornings alongside Warner Bros.’ popular, much better looking, theatrical shorts.

Not unlike the tree, this scene was trimmed in subsequent airings

The half-assed wraparound that bookends the three shorts fizzles out with Bugs riding off into the Christmas night with the rest of the Looney Tunes…

“Goodbye, Docs”

Right before Taz eats the sleigh, for a last-ditch comedic effort before the buzzer.

Obligations

What kind of goofy God would make a rabbit who could talk?! Keep your religion the hell away from my Looney Tunes!

Plenty of characters don the famous red suit, but only the big guy’s hoause makes an actual appearance.

All dressed up with no one around

Every time I beat back my Holiday cynicism, something like Bugs Bunny’s Looney Christmas Tales comes along to keep me on my toes. Even thirty years later it resembles the shameless cash-in it always was: The Godfather III of Christmas specials. And above all, NO DAFFY!

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Bugs Bunny’s Looney Christmas Tales is available on its own only on VHS, so it should be easy to avoid. However, it’s also included as a special feature on the Looney Tunes: Golden Collection, Volume 5, part of the phenomenal DVD series that contains nearly seven hours of Warner Bros. bliss. While you’re at it, pick up the latest volume as well – Warner has just announced that they’re discontinuing the Golden Collection,  so even a mild interest could turn into an extremely valuable collectors item! (Don’t believe me?  Peep the price on this similar Disney series that went on sale just two years ago.)

Yesterday’s Christmas Special:
SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN