Celebrate The Smurfs box office victory with this equally cringe-worthy jam!

If you thought the movie was The Smurfs’ only act of uninspired, nostalgic villainy unleashed upon mainstream entertainment, then you, my friends, haven’t seen the video game…

The people of Earth have spoken: “I want to eat shit, and I want to do it opening weekend!” It’s not that I was grandstanding for Cowboys and Aliens, but I never would’ve believed the movie-going public would’ve chosen something as universally reviled as The Goddamned Smurfs to see over that, Harry Potter or Captain America.

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

There’s no accounting for taste. I mean, other than box office estimates, which puts Smurfs in a photo-finish tie for #1 with Jon Favreau’s promising genre mash-up, both apparently pulling in $36.2 million smackeroos over the weekend.

Your God cannot hear you now!

 Rather than harp on the depressing notion that people will apparently see anything, I figured I’d point you to an equally amazing discovery in the field of bad taste. Yeah, The Smurfs seems poised to be one of the critically lowest-scoring movies of the summer (look out, Zookeeper!), however, the video game tie-in has been among us for almost two weeks, and not a single professional reviewer has seen fit to touch it.

Smurfetts dancing to a Bjork parody? How timely!

 Fortunately, I got to dig into Ubisoft’s Smurfs Dance Party during my write up on the horrible history of Smurfs games, and it’s truly a sight to behold. Savvy gamers will see it immediately as the Just Dance rip-off that it most certainly is, but I ask you to look past the licensed Katy Perry tunes (she’s the voice of Smurfette in the film, evidently) and its unnecessary need for existence in general. The Smurfs have pulled of a two pronged attack on our culture, and you simply must see the blight they’ve left on the field of music. A live-action Gargemel singing and dancing to a song about himself? Oh, yes indeed!

Yep, to save a little scratch, the “composers” of Smurfs Dance Party have set “classics” like “Walk This Way,” “Mr. Bombastic,” and, oh yes, “Who Let The Dogs Out?” to Smurf-alicious parody and the results will make you think you’re dreaming. Other games in the retrospective are notable for some of the last instances of new, 2D Smurfs animation, but the piece was started for little other reason than to showcase this wonderful monstrosity. You’ve earned it, America!

One thought on “Celebrate The Smurfs box office victory with this equally cringe-worthy jam!

  1. That Gargemel “who let the Smurfs out” video is lovely. Between the shitty song, poorly written version (calling it a parody would insult Sir Weird Al) and the beautifully mechanical and vaguely pedifilic dancing; makes me wish the Smurfs live action remake was low budget. The new movie could have been so bad it’s good.

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